Wandering

Sometimes I can feel so damn alone. Like I'm alone on the world. Like I have to face my entire shitty excistance all by myself. Wich is rediciolous, since my excistance is not really shitty or something. 

But still, I could feel that, even when there are so many people around me, I'm so alone and lost.

I think that's what it is, that I feel lost.

And afraid.

Afraid that something's wrong with me, that I'm going crazy.

But than the next morning I just wake up at the same time again, by the same alarm and I just do the same routine as every other day.

Or well, I do that most of the times.

Cause sometimes I don't. And than the whole routine usually turnes into a great mess. Just like my room, by the way.

And than I start wondering, is it gonna be that way for the rest of my life? That if I don't stick to a routine everything will just become a huge mess? Because I don't wanna have the same boring routine for the rest of my boring life.

Because, you see, I don't want a boring life.

I actually wanna do so much, got so manny thought wandering in my head, that there's actually not much more space left. Not much more space for reality, like school for instance. 

When I try to study, I often wander about a thousand other things than what I'm supposed to wander about.

And I also like to worry a lot, that also seems to be a hobby of mine.

Worrying about the future for instance. And what I would like to do in the future. 

Wich brings me back to the present. Because, does what I do the present day, does that effect my future? It most likely will. But than what do I need to do now? Do I need to focus on school, just buzz my way through it, than get my degrees, so that I could go to a good college, wich will give me a good job that I could do for the rest of my life?

Or do I start living? Going out and get a taste of real life, not just the one in my room, behind my computer. And than will I drop out of school? And just do what I'm feeling like, enjoying every single minute, but than maybe have a little bit more of a unsure excistance. 

I actually find myself wandering about these topics a lot, wich brings me to the third option. Neither. I don't study to well and I don't go out often either. I just wander in my room by myself or I hide behind my laptop. 

I think I came to a conlusion. 

I should stop wandering and start living. I mean, nothing's wrong with wandering of course, as long as it is a healty amount. 

And I'm gonna try to make a good combination of all the situations above. I'm gonna study when I'm by myself. When I have to obviously. And when I can I will also go out, hang with friends and have fun. And than sometimes, coming through, when I don't have anything else to do, 

I could wander as much as I like.