Hoping

Chapter Eleven

The ship rocked and swayed as I tried my damnedest to fall asleep. I failed. For some reason, memories came back to haunt me. I watched from a birds eye view as my sister in law was shot. I watched myself runaway with her little girl, someone so precious to my family. I had grown to love young Sarah, she had become my daughter of sorts. We had run, and hid, and ran again. I lost the soldiers, cutting through back streets, carrying the young child with me. She had to be only four that day. Four. Where was I when I was four? With my family, my mum who pampered me, my father who smiled at me, my brother who played with me. My brother. Life wasn't fair. It is not fair for a sixteen year old girl to be in charge of the lives of her family. I couldn't do that, I proved it, too. I hadn't saved my family, those were the facts. I failed. I killed them because I was stubborn.
     But I had one more responsibility, and that was Sarah. She and I ran for days. We made our way out of the city and out to small towns. We stayed in inns for a few days at a time. I knew, however, I couldn't keep it up. I would not be able to raise her. I didn't run away though. I stuck by her, it was a distraction from all my pain. I cried like a caged bird each night and wailed like a banshee. We were kicked out of taverns sometimes, other times we would stay for two weeks. I decided to find Jack, he would give me advice on how to raise her. I didn't have anyone else to turn to. My family was dead, I couldn't trust anyone to take in Sarah and treat her well. I was scared. It was the truth. I was scared of screwing up again, scared of hurting her, scared of failing my only family, scared of failing myself. I always thought that she was the only reason to live. She caught me one time, I was going to shoot myself. She was young and didn't understand, but when she asked me what I was doing and pointed her small hands at my pistol, I melted into a hot mess of tears and regret.
I stayed strong after that. We soon headed to Tortuga where I could talk to Jack. We had to bargain our way onto ships and slip out of a few tough spots, but we managed. When I met with Jack, he said that we could probably raise her on the ship. I was ever grateful that Jack let Sarah stay, I'm still in debt to him. We kept her on the ship for a few years, but things got dangerous. The entire crew knew that we could not keep a seven year old on board during war. So I stole nice dresses for Sarah and I, and we were off. I put her in a finishing school, I figured it was better than an orphanage. She would grow into a beautiful woman. I was sure that she would become a desirable young woman who would woo herself some suitors. She would be pretty and smart and kind just like her mother.
I never had gone back to the school. I had been tied up in battles and adventure, I tried so hard not to remember her. I never had the time. I always hoped her future would be bright and happy. Good and sweet. She would be thirteen by now, learning to sew and play an instrument. "Sarah, if your going to make music, please sing. Or play violin. I did both when I was younger. The violin is such a pretty thing. It makes beautiful music." I wonder if she remembered when I'd said that. No use dreaming about her and her long, brown hair. Just like her mother.
I snapped out of my memories, they hurt to much. I looked around the cabin that housed our sailors. James was snoring soundly right beside my. I let a smile come to my face. He was rather adorable while sleeping, he tended to hold on to things as he slept. He was grabbing at his pillow now, and he let out a soft moan. What are you dreaming about? I wondered. I brushed his hair away from his forehead, he had taken his wig off. He seemed to notice my touch, because he rolled over. His hand reached for his pillow, but found my hand instead. I squeezed his hand a bit, his touch was comforting. I honestly couldn't help myself, I leaned over and gave his forehead a light kiss.
     "I love you," I whispered.