Jude's thoughts

This is my first fan fiction let me know if u guys like it

•My thoughts •Jude•

Dear Journal, Callie just took me out of our abusive foster home. He beat me, I can't believe he beat me all I did was try on a dress what's so bad about that, I'm just trying to find myself. I don't really KNOW WHO I am do i, I'm only 12.

Mariana painted my nails today there a really pretty colour a nice Midnight blue. I told her about this boy at school,we are just getting to know each other,but he's pretty cool and when I say pretty I mean PRETTY...pretty cute. Anyways Callie walked in on marianna painting my nails🙍 I felt so ashamed the way her eyebrows went up and her jaw moved she said I quote "Don't wear that to school okay bud" I felt like like she didn't like who I was.

Some idiots at school today noticed my nail polish they were making fun of me for it, calling me names,being sarcastic they made me feel so bad about myself, and the worse part was it was in front of conner 😞 and he didn't even defend me I felt so embarrassed.

Lena (mom) came and sat next to me and asked me if I needed to talk about anything anything like how I feel or why I like nail polish...boys don't LIKE nail polish or think other boys are cute. Anyways Callie walked in wondering what was going on Lena told her what had happened at school and Callie yelled at me for wearing the nail polish to school and sent me to take it off. I ran out of the room saying madly STOP telling me what to do! When they thought I had left I over heard Lena tell her I was a Special kid (so she knows) and heard Callie agree.

I then went up stairs to attempt to take off the nail polish. I grabbed a white rag and some nail polish remover to take this off my nails. Scrubbing so hard I was kinda of trying to rub away some of my specialness along with it. I wanted to cry so bad but I didn't, I held back all the tears I have be holding back on for so many years around 8 years old.

Lena then knocked on the door asking if she could help I said yes. She started to take off the nail polish and then started talking, she said "if your thoughg to hide what makes you different you end up feeling a lot of shame about who you are and that's not okay." " there is nothing wrong with you for wearing nail polish." Here comes that feeling again the one that makes me just want to ball.once our conversation was over I asked her if she could paint my nails again and she said sure. 😊

At lunch everybody got up from the table and left I was sitting by myself when Conner came and sat next to me he had on blue nail polish! 😆 It made me feel so warm inside I couldn't help but blush. Even though I liked him I know he doesn't like boys or feminine stuff ( magazine's nail polish) so I didn't want to take this the wrong way. It just showed he supported me.

When Callie got home I was making a sandwhich and she noticed I still had the nail polish on. She asked me why I was still wearing that. I reminded her "because I like it" she told me to take it off before I got a black eye to match but I told her "no, I'm not taking it off."Callie yelled you want to get beat up again, I replied with yeah that's exactly what I want (I just wanted to be myself) she told me she knew it was easy to feel comfortable here but it wasn't our real home ( but I wanted it to be more than anything) she told me I was gonna get hurt and I made sure she knew the truth, I replied with "I Already Hurt" because I did. I ran up to Mariana and Callie's room and cried in Mariana's arms, she's one I defiantly know she knows who I am and really understands. (She is the one who lends me all her style magazines after all) I cried until I couldn't cry anymore and until Callie came up stairs.With Marianna I was kinda free to be MYSELF. 😄😊💙

So conner is coming over today, just to work on a science project but still! I got some of Jesus's hair gel, my only nice shirt and my best jeans. I gelled my hair spike back to the side and made it look impressive but first I showered for an hour or so and used some of Jesus's Cologne.then I ironed my clothes and put them on very carefully so NO wrinkles we're in it. By the time I was ready conner was here I was just finished cleaning my room I ran down stairs in a calm manner (though it was hard) when I saw him joy filled me I couldn't help but grin. Lena (mom) saw the happiness on my face and smiled. ( I hope I impress him )

Tomorrow is Lena and Stef's wedding! I'm so exited and happy for them. We went to the tux and dress store and bought Callie and Mariana's dresses and Brandon, Jesus, and I's tux. All of our tux were white, except we all had on different undershirts mine was a pretty shiny baby Tiffany blue. Once we got all of our tux Mariana called me over to help her find the perfect dress for Lena. We found the most beautiful cream dress that fit the occasion perfectly, and Stef's tux. When we got home everyone was downstairs getting ready for dinner talking, when I went upstairs to " use the restroom." But I didn't really go to the bathroom I went in Marianna and Callie's bedroom closed the door and tried on Mariana's dress. I just HAD to It was so gorgeous I couldn't help it really. Once I had the dress on I was just looking in the mirror when i Heard "it's gorgeous huh." My heart was dropping out of my chest... It was Marianna. I stuttered and explained "I~i was ju st uh making sure the uh"

"it's okay :) it's cute"

" you don't think it's weird" I said in slight shock "no" she answered "come on let's dance" she reached for my hand. So we did, we danced till we decided to just read magazines so I took her dress off and sat on her bed reading magazines till Callie walked in and demanded for me to come here. We stepted in me and Jesus's room and started talking. Callie said in a harsh voice "I told you not to get too invested in these people this isn't our home"

"You don't know that, they might decide to keep us" I snapped. She opened her mouth but before she could say anything Marianna came in and told us to come down stairs for dinner so we went. When dinner was over I was gonna go say goodnight to Marianna and Callie when I overheard Marianna say "why

Don't you let jude just be him"

"Because if I did I could risk seeing him get hurt more then he already does, if this was our permanent home I would let him but its not so..." Callie answered. I walked in with my cute little smile and said goodnight to them both. Marianna gave me a kiss on the forehead and Callie on my cheek.

It's here, we're here,The Wedding👰💍💎. Before the ceremony started Stef asked me if I would take out the trash so I said "sure 😄." As I walked I saw a shadow of two people and so as I walked around the corner I saw them I was so... Angry! Brandon and Callie, kissing, I threw the trash in the tub and stormed of as Callie ran after me to explain. I told her she was selfish and always ruined everything the Fosters just decided to adopt us and here she goes screwing everything up AGAIN. After the wedding Callie promised me she wouldn't be selfish anymore I just nodded my head.

The next morning Callie was GONE. 😖 It's my fault, but she promised she wouldn't be selfish any more so why leave me By myself. She's been my only protection since I was 6 and been REALY protective of me since I was 8 that's when she knew I was different.😔 she's been forced to grow up so quickly because of me. No wonder she left me here alone.