"You're not the first," she tells me not making eye contact. I quietly wait for her to continue giving her as much time as she needs. "...you're not the first person I've had to try and hep get clean and your far from my first addict I've experienced," she finally says, "M-My mom was an addict and so was my father. They died of an overdose of both alcohol and meth and just months before my 18 birthday. Just close enough for the state to deem me old enough to support my self. I had an older brother who took after them...he would even shoot up with them. Once my parents stopped providing his fix he went through serious withdraw...I did everything I could to help him. For at least a year he was using on and off and finally, after realizing he needed professional help, I checked him in to a clinic but it was too late. They told me that on the dose he was on, if he was to go cold turkey, he'd die instantly from the shock of the drugs no longer in his system. I-I told him and two weeks after being in the clinic he killed himself...Hung himself from the ceiling fan with his sheets...I was the one that found him. I hadn't realized I'd checked him in to the worst clinic in town. If I had just done some research....If I had a fucking brain in my head he would be here right now, you'd get to meet him! He was great, so nice, absolutely the greatest brother b-but if he had different parents...if they hadn't of introduced him to meth and alcohol at the age of ten...None of it," the rage is so evident in her voice, "And I mean NONE of it would have happened. If my parents would have been actual fucking parents my life might have been a little happier. I might have not grown up around addicts. Getting to know what addiction looks like in different people. Getting to know what symptoms are most common and what is more rare. Not just in drug addicts but those with alcoholism. And not just meth, but also coke, heroin, inhalants when they were short on cash, LSD's, Molly, Opioids, fuck I even saw a few use bath salts. I fucking saw a guy eat another guys face off! And you know what?!?! The cops never came! It happened in my fucking house and my fucking parents, everyone else around, helped to bury him in our backyard! Fucking lucky for them we had a good privacy fence all around the back yard. The cops never came, they never even got suspicious. No on reported the man as missing. No one even noticed he was gone. He was just an unknown junkie. Oh, and the guy that did it!! My parents helped him clean up, gave him fresh clothes. My parents were fucking okay with it!," I expect her to be crying by this point but her eyes couldn't be drier, "And a-after my family died I tried to start new. I moved far, far away from California all the way to Missouri. It didn't get better though. I kept quiet trying to keep to myself. I didn't want anyone close in my life but I couldn't help but notice all the addicts that were there and at least 50% of the town where I lived where addicts of some kind. A month in I couldn't take just watching them destroy their lives. I had gotten a job and their was a guy who seemed not too bad that worked where I did. I filed papers in an office. I started asking him what he was on, listing off different things. It freaked him out at first and then he finally admitted it. I helped him get clean. I helped him stay clean while I was there and after that I knew what my purpose in life was. It was to help those who can't help themselves. It felt like I was making up for not being able to help my brother. I started helping one person a month and keeping track of the ones I already helped, making sure they would stay clean. I was there for four years and the last three months I was with one guy. A guy I fell in love with, a guy that was worse than I'd ever dealt with before. Three months I tried and he, like you, would not go to a clinic but his was simply because he liked his own house and bed. He started to get better after a month but it was all downhill from there and at the same time he was trying to be with me, to date me. He even tried to take me on a couple dates. He was hard headed. No matter how much I told him he wasn't strong enough, anytime I'd tell him I had a bad feeling about something, he'd completely ignore me and do what he wants. Th-Three months in he died. He died while hugging me in his sleep....I-I'll never forget how it felt t-to unwrap his arms from around me..., "she's still not tearing up but it sounds like she's holding it back. Trying her best to get through what she's saying, "h-he was still warm. A-And then having to call the police and then explaining everything about the autopsy. I had to explain why I was with him. I had to explain why he had drugs in his system. I think they thought I was his supplier and that....I don't know....we got high together only he did too much? After that I realized I shouldn't be doing what I did. I couldn't handle anything major. I told myself I'd never love again. I wouldn't let myself. Everyone I loved ended up dead, my brother, my parents despite who they were, and that guy I desperately tried to help. I was just going to have to watch everyone destroy their own lives before my eyes. I knew I had to get out of that town. To some place that was better. That had less addicts. So, I moved to New York, Where I've lived ever since, keeping my eyes to the ground a majority of the time so I didn't have to see the addicts. Five years I lived here...going unaware of those in need. Then I decided to go to one of your shows. I've watched your show since Late Night. You've always managed to make me happy, make me laugh, make me forget about everything that worries me for an hour every night. Your show helped me relax and sleep better at night...It was kind of like you were there to comfort me when no one else was...Finally I decided to come see your show live. I lived fifteen minutes away so why the hell not. I managed to get tickets and when I got there I saw all that the television hid. I saw how fake you laughed and smiled. How you only did the bare minimum. How you didn't even interact with the guests during commercial breaks and how your smile fell right off your face when the commercials happened. I knew, I 100% knew you were on something and I almost didn't talk to you. The thing that made me talk to you was you had helped me unknowingly. You kept me happy, able to face life so I thought I'd return the favor only to find out that you're even better in person and you're the man that would show me I'm able to love again. I'm just terrified that something's going to happen to you. That I'll fall even more irrationally, madly in love with you and then you'll be gone just like that," her eyes begin to tear up, "in the middle of the night without a single goodbye muttered...so that's anything you could ever wonder about me. Any questions?" "H-How did you make it through all that?," I ask completely shocked by all that's happened to her. "With help from you. Watching you helped me. You made me happy. Your show kept me positive," she tells me. "Gosh, you're beyond amazing. I'm sorry you went through all that. I'm so sorry you have to deal with me," I tell her. "Deal with you?? No, no no. I'd rather be with you any day no matter how you're doing. There isn't a thing I don't love about you," she tells me, a single tear making it's way down her cheek and I feel myself get butterflies from head to toe. I gently cup her cheek and wipe away the tear before wrapping my arms around her in a comforting hug. She buries her head in to the crook of my neck. "I love you from head to toe too, Suzanna," I tell her. After a few seconds I feel my neck dampen and she lets out a silent sob. I rub her back gently and place a kiss on her cheek. I lean back on to the bed with her in my arms and she buries her face in to my chest. "I'm so sorry," she whispers. "What for?," I ask confused. "For crying...it's just, that was a lot to remember all at once. I'd forgotten about some of it. I'd actually managed to block out the memory of the bath salts incident," she tells me, looking up at me with her shining emerald green eyes. God I love her eyes and I love being able to comfort her. "Babe, after all that, you deserve to cry more than anyone I know," I respond. I see her lip quiver and the tears begin to fall. I pull her up against me again. I continuously rub her back and after awhile she calms down. She scoots up higher. She looks at me with her eyes red and puffy. I've never seen her so gorgeous. So relaxed. So perfect. She smiles at me, "thank you for everything." "Thank you for everything, I don't even know if I'd be alive right now if it weren't for you," I respond. She slowly, tenderly, passionately kisses me. I pull her tightly up against me as I get chills from head to toe. She tangles a hand through my hair and gently pulls. Slowly we pull away, both of us smiling, both of us nibbling on each others lip. She sits up on to her knees. "Where are you going?," I ask her. I gonna go get changed. You might want to also, I soaked her shirt, sorry about that. "Don't worry it'll dry," I respond. I stand up with out assistance and without wobbling. Damn, I'm doing so good today. She grabs mine and hers pajamas. I love how we always manage to match simply because we love the same kind of clothing. She changes and I can't help but stare before changing. "God, you're so perfect," I breathe. "So are you babe," she says, biting her lip, looking me up and down while I change. It arouses me just a little and I know it's obvious. I get done changing and we go lay down in bed together. I turn off the light and she snuggles closer to me, resting her hand on my lower stomach as close to my crotch as one can get without actually touching it. God, does she know what she's doing to me? She starts to massage where her hand is, just slightly. Enough to give me a full blown hard on. I let out a soft, unanticipated moan, clearing my throat afterwards to try and hide it. She leans up and kisses just below my jaw, on one of the most sensitive places on my neck, causing me to get chills again. "Goodnight babe, I love you," she whispers. "Goodnight babe, I love you too," I respond, slightly more moany than I anticipated. She snuggles back down to my chest leaving her hand exactly where it is, continuously driving me crazy for her. After about fifteen minutes I force myself to relax against her touch and finally manage to fall asleep.
