The Divorce of Senses

Eating Water

When I realized something changed inside of me, I was walking in the streets late one night, sometime last year, towards a busy bar. I felt the loud music from inside vibrating through my body, gently rocking my heart. I came out here, following the advice of my roommate at the time, to seek love and companionship. According to him, this was the place to be. I didn't know anything about the area, but I believed him and was even somewhat excited on my way here. All that, however, vaporized in this instant. I suddenly wondered why I was doing this.

At the door, was a man, standing. Next to him was a sign that read : ''People under the age of 25 must provide a valid piece of ID''. I decided to approach the door brushing away my doubts. The man stopped me and asked if I had a piece of identification. I told him I was 26 years old. He did not believe me. I then asked him if this meant that I had to show an identification in order to have the right to not show a piece of identification. He looked at me in an annoyed fashion and told me in an aggressive way that I had to leave. I replied that I did have my I.D with me but that I was unsure where I lost my id.

I entered the building with no idea what to do inside. It was dark, I saw the silhouettes of many people. People drinking colorful liquids, people wriggling around and people yelling at each other to trying to top the loud music.

I looked around and saw a girl staring at me and smiling. I think she was pretty, but i'm not sure, she smeared too much cosmetics on her face for me to really know.

I decided to go speak to her, that was what I was here for after all. I introduced myself, she did so as well. We talked, I don't remember what it was about, but she seemed to enjoy herself in the conversation. After sometime, catching me by surprise, she said : ''Oh, aren't you going to buy me a drink?''.

''No'' I replied

''Ok...why not?''

''Is it reasonable for a guy to buy a girl a drink? wouldn't it pressure you to talk to me, to be nice to me, because I bought you a drink? That way I will never get honest feedback about what the words that come out of my mouth really say about me. But that's not the most important. The most important is that if I am taking to you, I want to know more about you. Do you think it is reasonable for me to pay a high price for alcohol that will make you behave less and less like 'you', making me talk to a person that is unlike the person I am really interested in?''

''geez, ok then''

She turned away from me and left without a goodbye.

I was alone once again.

I walked to the bar and sat down next to a girl on her phone. I still couldn't find any desire inside of me. What happened to me. Why did I stop caring? I asked the girl next to me if she also didn't know why she was here. She looked at me without bothering to lift her head and then rolled her eyes.

''that's the worst opening line I ever heard'' she said.

''No, there are many worst''

''Oh really, like what?'' she mumbled in an obnoxious sarcasm

''Can I test drive your ovaries, for example?''

''What the hell?''

''I sometimes want to kill myself in public, I don't because littering is illegal. That's another bad one.''

''Stop talking to me!''

I laughed at the absurdity of the situation. What was I saying? What was doing? What was I becoming? I turned my head towards the dance floor and observed the dancers.

Just for an instant, I didn't see people anymore, I saw flesh. A sea of living, breathing human flesh around me, moving, throbbing, up and down to the sounds of music. Masses of muscles and fat excited by the vibrations and drowning me in fumes of sweat and perfume. How can these collection of flesh love and be lovable? I knew that i was just one in the crowd, another soul in the building, but for that instant I just didn't feel that way. In my discomfort ,alienation and absurdity, I felt special.