Twist And Shout

chapter 10

"Please," Dean pleaded. "I want to help him. I want to fix it."

Balthazar fixed his gaze on him.

"Do you really, though?"

Dean stared back, refusing to look away.

"I would give anything to change it."

Balthazar took another drink of water and frowned.

"I'm going to need something stronger than this," he commented, waving their waitress down, asking for a shot of tequila. She brought it promptly and Balthazar sucked it down, not batting an eyelash.

He settled himself and took a deep breath.

"I think it was '73."

Castiel had more and more trouble focusing in class. The words in his books jumbled on the page and reformed themselves every time he tried to read them, so eventually he just quit trying altogether. He would return home to an empty, dark apartment; the shades always drawn, little slivers of light leaking through onto the hardwood floor. He would make for himself, sit in front of the television on the couch, watching whatever was on. 'Watching' was a loose term. It was more like avoiding Star Trek and the Twilight Zone. They were dumb shows anyway.

Sometimes he would get phone calls, and every time the , he prayed that it was Dean telling him that he was coming home. Apologizing to him over and over again, telling that he was stupid for leaving, that he was a jackass, and that he still loved Cas.

Cas was used to not getting what he wanted.

Balthazar, his friend from school, would call to check up on him. It was sporadic at first, just a casual chat to make sure that he was doing okay. Eventually, their conversations to last, sometimes stretching on for hours, and, sometimes, Balthazar could even make him laugh. Cas would hang up the phone and realize his face ached with a smile. But it wasn't the same as when Dean made him laugh or smile. Nothing was the same. Dean had been gone for nearly a year, and everything was different.

Cas tried to quit thinking about him altogether, but it was difficult because every time that he looked around the apartment, there was another reminder ready and waiting. When he'd left, they'd changed the lease to his name; technically the apartment was his on the papers. Nearly everything belonged to him, but Cas couldn't escape the idea of him. Sometimes he would forget that he left the bedroom light on, and he would catch himself thinking that maybe Dean was back, maybe Dean was in the bedroom putting his clothes back into the closet and dresser. It always ended in disappointment though, because Dean wasn't coming back. Cas knew that he was never coming back.

"You should move out of there."

They were at the small cafe down the street from his apartment, he and Balthazar, sitting inside and having lunch together. Cas shook his head and took a bite of his sandwich, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with the back of his hand. He could feel Balthazar's eyes on him, and he swallowed, still shaking his head.

"I can't do that. What if he comes back and I'm not there?"

"Darling," Balthazar started, reaching across the table, gently resting against his wrist. "You know he's not coming back. That place is dragging you down, you need to get out of there. Very bad vibes."

"I can't," Cas sighed, pulling his hand away and setting it in his lap, and Balthazar retracted his arm, playing with the corner of a napkin. "Where will I go?"

"You can move in with me. I've got plenty of room at my place. I've been looking for someone ever since Dylan broke up with me." Balthazar shrugged with one shoulder, and Cas considered it for a moment. Balthazar lived closer to campus, and he wouldn't have to spend the rest of his school days alone, sulking around his apartment. A roommate would be nice, someone to talk to and spend time with. He wouldn't have to eat dinner by himself, or watch television by himself. He wouldn't have to be alone anymore.