Fault (Phan)

Part 3

Morning has arrived, and of course it is Phil who awakens first. Without opening his eyes, he is subjected to the noises of the geese outside and some students talking. But what he immediately notices afterwards is the jagged bundle of warmth and a slow, rhythmic movement against the small of his back - and gentle arms around his waist.

He flushes rapidly, and his skin crawls with uncomfortable heat as he realizes Dan is full-on spooning him. He shifts nervously, then stops. His mind speaks to him: Isn't this what you've wanted for a while? Whether it was a mistake or not, the least you could do is enjoy this. Just think about the move you'll make when he wakes up. Phil does just this. Slowly, his breathing settles and he manages to bask in this moment of bliss, ruling he wants Dan to see them this way when he wakes up. He buries his hips into the boy and exhales contently.

Suddenly Phil is shocked by a sharp gasp, followed by a minor pain as Dan starts to slide his left hand out from under him. Phil allows this, but before Dan can move any further away, Phil whirls to his right and looks him in the eyes. He asks this in a pleading manner: "Why'd you stop?"

Dan's face contorts into an indescribable emotion, clearly disoriented beyond return. "'Why did I stop'?" he quotes Phil, "The real question is – why the fuck did I start?"

This statement resounds in Phil's mind, then travels downwards. Some fiercely working mechanism shuts down, and falls apart inside him. In a desperate attempt to save himself from bursting into tears, he thinks of the way Dan said it. He said it like it was a question, like he was genuinely just confused. This idea works. Yes, Phil. He clears his throat and confidently responds, "I don't know, but I really kind of enjoyed it –" NO! Suddenly he feels the dead have come and are ferociously screaming at him as Dan's eyes widen bigger than ever before. The boy starts to push himself up, and is about to stand when Phil gingerly touches his hand. "Just...just let me explain. I know it's really confusing, but I'll explain," Phil stammers, then inhales sharply. "Just...please don't get up..."

Phil sits up, then manages to kneel on his haunches. Dan does the same. Cautiously, Phil puts Dan's hands in his own and rests them in the space between them. Quickly, a speech is formulated. It's time. "Well, Dan, from what I've heard in books and movies and everything else, when someone gets that feeling in their belly, this nervous feeling that bothers them but, at the same time it's also a happy, exciting feeling, it's described as really liking someone. And I couldn't ever really relate to that description – that is, 'till I met you. I had no idea how to express this, so I just waited until this happened...just now."

Dan makes a point of looking into Phil's eyes, intently watching for a shift in emotion, all the while masking his own feelings beautifully.

Phil goes on: "I'm sure it was just a random reaction on your part, maybe you just wanted to snuggle something and you ended up doing it in that way. But when you got really upset when you woke up, my heart started to shatter, I swear to God it stopped beating for a second. And I couldn't hide this anymore."

This heavy new information leaves Dan glassy-eyed as he deciphers it.

"I know you probably don't want to say anything right now, but I really need you to, Dan." Phil's voice had dwindled to a whisper. "I'm really sorry, we haven't even known each other for a year and you're probably totally straight –"

"Don't get so upset, Phil," Dan cuts him off, "It's fine. I accept you." He breathes in. "And believe me, you're quite charming." Phil looks up into his eyes. "You know, I really do feel the same, the more I think about it." Dan leans forward and takes Phil's shoulders in his hands. He brushes away the fringe and kisses him on the forehead. Phil inhales shakily and tears come to his eyes.

"Oh...oh my god..." Phil whispers, "I-I can't..."

Dan leans back and smiles. This only lasts a few moments before it fades and he remembers something. To Phil he appears puzzled. "Well, I'm not sure how to put this out there, but I...kind of...sort of...technically have a girlfriend." Dan thinks about this statement, afraid of Phil's reaction.

Rather than getting upset, Phil raises an eyebrow. "A girlfriend?"

"Yeah...I mean, I'm not sure if we're even still an item..."

Phil sighs. "Oh, okay. I just was confused, because you wouldn't treat me like this if you were still in a relationship."

Dan contemplates this. They hadn't talked for several months after they both got busier with college. He says, "I never said we weren't together anymore, but...the more I think about it, I wouldn't doubt it." At this point he forgets Phil is there and says out loud: "Thinking about it now, I really am sad about that still. I loved her so much..." he props himself up by putting an elbow to his thigh, eyes somberly cast downwards.

"What?" Phil is clueless. Half of Dan's thoughts hadn't been said out loud.

"Oh." Dan straightens himself. "I was just thinking about how we hadn't seen each other for a really long time." He focuses on a poster behind Phil. "I wonder if she cares anymore..."

This zoned-out half of a conversation continues for a bit before Phil takes action. "I'm really hungry, dude. Aren't you?"

Dan's stomach snaps him back into real life. "Yes, yes I am." The emotion has returned to his voice, a relief to Phil.

The men end up running out to the store after Phil had remembered he still had no food. They have a blast shopping, getting all of Phil's food for the next week. As soon as they're out of the store, they take turns holding the bags and eating bagels on the way back to the room. Phil invites some of his friends over to meet Dan and hang out. It's positive and everything goes great, but Phil makes an observation about Dan. He spaced out rather often throughout the gathering and wouldn't snap out of it until he was addressed. As the sun starts to end the afternoon, the guests leave, Dan included.

The boy stands with his suitcase in the doorway as he had previously, but changed. Phil's eyes become a bit squinty as he smiles at Dan. He leans in for a hug, and they hold each other tight. Dan leans back, and laughs a bit as he says, "See you later, Phil." He playfully smacks him on the back. "I'll e-mail you tomorrow."

The door closes. Phil stands, hunched over. Now all there is left to do is wait until he gets an e-mail tomorrow. Standing here right after Dan left, it feels to him like his only reason to breathe.