Love and Freedom (Book 1 in the Finding My Way Series)

Sacrifices

Sacrifices

The girl’s home was empty when I went to see Hallie. They had all gone on an outing with the boys from the boy’s home. I was happy Hallie was able to get out; that they did those kinds of things with the kids, but devastated that I couldn’t see her. It made me edgy. What if I actually never saw her again? Would she forgive me for leaving her? There was only one way I could feel better about all this and that would be, to get up early and go back. I would just have to insist they let me in at that hour. 

I walked through the township feeling quite nostalgic as I passed all the places I frequented whilst singing, or begging for work. I realized that there were so many people I would want to say goodbye to other than those at the shelter, like Red, Sue and the old man who kept me company at the markets. I didn’t have time to chase everyone down, especially with the way I was feeling. Not being able to tell Hallie goodbye didn’t sit well with me at all, and I could not concentrate on anyone but her right now. I always wondered if she were going to be alright, with loosing mother and being placed in the home, and now me with me leaving... No, she wasn’t loosing me, I couldn’t think of it like that.

Waiting back at the hotel for me, was a tub filled with warm water. It wasn’t enough to lift my spirits, but I stripped down and stepped into it anyway. I couldn’t imagine what this trip back to England would be like compared to the one here. Actually, to think of what my sisters and I had to suffer through to get here was enough to make my stomach turn. I had to remind myself that Tristan would be with me this time and that I loved him.

Once immersed in the water my thoughts went to Cassie, I wondered where she was, where she stormed off to. Edan said he would try to come down to the docks and see me off in the morning, but would Cassie! I felt a tightening in my stomach at the thought of saying goodbye.

“Oh what have I done?” I groaned to myself. “How could I have been so thoughtless” My chest suddenly felt tight, making me slightly breathless, I simply felt sick with fear of the unknown.  I promised myself I would never get on one of those ships again, and now I was willing to spend a couple of months on one. Even though this time, I was quite sure I wouldn’t be spending my time in a faeces smelling, fear inducing bowel of this one, the memory’s of that time came rushing back too quickly for me to stop them.

I pulled my legs close to my chest and rested my cheek on my knees. Some of the water splashed to the ground, I would have to clean it up later, right now I felt too despaired even to care.  So much so, that I began to sob. 

I sobbed from the heartache of having to give up my family this way, why did life have to be so cruel. If only Tristan wasn’t bound the way he was to his work, I loved Tristan I truly did he was my anchor in this crazy world around me. I sobbed at the thought of loosing Tristan. What id he wasn’t able to take me with him? How would I be able to live without him? Especially now that I knew how wonderfully we fit, like it was always destined to be. I would only have today, and this one night to remember him by if I had to stay, for who knows how long! And what if he sailed away and forgot about me? I sobbed a little harder with this, hiccupping with my desperate breaths. Oh how I wished things could have been different. My mother, who never got to see this place, or live the life she had planned out for us here, would have handled things far better than I have. I have been trying so hard to keep this dream of hers alive, and I am willingly leaving it. How differently things have been from that vision both her and Papa placed in my mind back in England.

“Why are you crying?” Another splash of water hit the ground as I spun to find Tristan standing by the door watching me.

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked, whilst vainly trying to wipe my eyes dry. He stared at me for a moment longer and then stepped towards the tub, grabbing the soft linen off the bed on the way past.