She could be anything, anyone she wanted to be. She had what a lot of people lacked in this world of modern technology. She had her imagination.
To those around her she was a social recluse. As someone who couldn't stand the company of others. Little did they know how true that actually was. She couldn't stand the company of people around her; but it wasn't her fault. Social anxiety was a net around her, like a kidnapper holding someone captive, but she was captive in her own body. This wasn't what she wanted but she couldn't control the wild beast inside her that seemed to dictate everything she did and everything she didn't. But she still dreamed. She dreamed of the day that those impossibilities of associating with people became possibilities. She dreamed of the day that she could be with her family once again.
Through her imagination she had travelled all over the world, something that without a plane is impossible. Yet, she had been almost everywhere she could think of due to her imagination. The landscape around her was physical but yet it was not. It was only physical to her; only she could travel to the places she visited because they were hers. Untouchable from the rest of the world. In this way, even though she was slave to the social anxiety that controlled her, she felt as though she was somewhat free. Able to create memories with the absence of people.
No one understood her and this saddened her the most. No one took the time to listen to her, even if it did take a while. She felt as though she was improving. Like she was finally able to cage her social anxiety and trap the monster, even though the beast managed to escape from time to time. Being able to wrangle the monstrosity proved difficult but every time she was improving and it was getting easier. Seeing other people in reality was still proving to be impossible, but not in her imagination. Anything was possible within her creations, the boundaries were limitless, opportunities endless. Nothing could hold her back, not even her inner demons.
Tonight she was at a party, well as least she dreamed she was. Mingling with people here and there. Discussing latest news in each other's lives and giving people a view into her own. She wasn't afraid. She was free. And she loved every second of it. At this moment nothing could hold her back and it showed on her outward appearance. Carefree and ecstatic that communicating with people was becoming so easy. Dread soon approached as she realised that this, right now, in this moment, wasn't reality. She wished it was easy but she knew that things that were worth it are never easy.
In her own imagination she had her own social network. She had friends, she went out, and she had family that she actually talked to. This was far from her reality though. Impossibilities existed in her physical landscape but in her mind, with her imagination, there was nothing that was impossible and she knew it. Meeting new people, going new places was something of ease for her while in her dreamlike state. In reality the great beast inside her gained power and restrained her from all of the power she possessed. In these moments she felt hopeless and drained from everything she had.
She knew she was taking steps backwards. She knew she was giving into the power that lived in her, the one she couldn't control. She felt it taking everything she had. Hopelessness, drowning, suffering, struggling to live. But she couldn't. The beast was gaining power in every waking moment. Even when asleep her imagination was failing her. She couldn't see anyone even in her imagination. She couldn't do anything. She was well and truly trapped.
Soon, possibilities became impossibilities. She could no longer gain control over this raging beast inside her. It swallowed her whole. Taking over her imagination. Leaving nothing untouched. She thought that nothing would ever be able to access her imagination. She found she was wrong. She was deteriorating. While she was losing her hope and her power, the inner demon she suffered from gained it. Feeding off of her. Taking everything she had. Every last breath. Hopelessness dawned on her as sudden as cold water after jumping into a pool. She was drowning and couldn't swim to the top. She was found that night. Floor stained blood red, resembling the polish on her nails, and the white tiles stained from her wrists. She allowed to happen what she always vowed not to happen. To give in. To give up. To let her inner demons, the monster, the beast, the social anxiety, swallow her whole. In the end nothing mattered. Even before red stained the tiles she knew she failed, but no one else did. No one else knew the demons she fought. No one cared to know the demons she fought.
