Beep, beep, beep. I hated that sound. It was all I heard, day and night. I looked over at the cardiac monitor, as the neon lines traced my heartbeat,again and again. The door opened and my father entered. Tall, well built with a strong chin and broad shoulders. My father was all I had. My mother had passed away a long time back. Of late, he stooped more, and his hair was peppered with white. ''Sadaf, your test results are the same, as two days back. No change." he said. He sighed and sat on the stool , near my bed. ''It means it's not gotten any worse." ''It also means there's been no improvement" I said. At the age of twenty , I was in a drab hospital ward, diagnosed with end stage renal disease. The name said it all. End stage. It came as no surprise to me, as much as it did with despair. The stabbing pains in the back began, around six or seven years ago. A very rare disease they said. I was on the transplant list. Dad couldn't donate, because he was diabetic. We had no relatives. All I could do was wait.
Years of medications, and wrenching pain, only to culminate in this colorless white room, spending my time with the beeping heart machines. ''Hello sadaf. How are you feeling today? "Leena, the nurse carefully pushed the trolley of food through the half open door. My father rose to help her. ''The same as yesterday" I replied. Her beaming face and overly cheerful voice, was almost comical in my situation.
''I'm not hungry." I mutterd pushing the plate of food away. I had hardly eaten anything. My father looked sadly at the plate and then at me. ''Atleast have the jelly. You like that, don't you?" I scooped a small spoon of red , wobbly jelly and shoved it into my mouth. After lunch, the doctor came for my check up. The same volley of questions. Did you experience any pain today?, did you sleep well?, how is your appetite?, any fever?, did you...like a video clip, on endless repeat. I answered mechanically to most and retired to rest. I noticed the serious face of my doctor, and the worried one of my father as they closed the door to talk in hushed undertones.
I turned to my side trying to get sleep. It didn't come easy. It never did. I looked at the dull white wall near my bed and thought. I was just a normal 20 year old girl. True I had kidney diseae, but I never expected it to spiral this quickly. Nobody did. Shy, introverted, I used to spend majority of my time reading cheesy romantic novels. I used to imagine a dark , elusive prince would one day come save me, as he had multiple times for the heroines in my books. Dad was a successful businessman. We lived in Jumeirah , Dubai, the dwelling of the rich and well to do. I had a spectacular view of the sea, with Jumeirah beach close by. I loved the beach, but we didn't go there very often. Dad was always busy. I remember accusing my dad multiple times, about this very fact. That he was never there. Now I regretted it.
I took the metro everyday to my college. Hordes of people mechanically moving. One of my favourite hobbies was to look at people and imagine who they were, what kind of lives they led. A man with a huge moustache and stern face. He must be a professor, I thought. A short , slim lady with a pair of glasses and a sweet face. She must be an accountant. This was how I used to fill the holes in time as the train rushed smoothly on...
I opened my heavy eyelids and looked at the watch. 6:00 pm. I had slept for quiet a while. The door opened softly and Fiza peeped in. She was my best friend from college. I didn't have many friends, only a few so called ones, just for the purpose of laughing and joking around in class. When they heard I was in the hospital, they came, eyes filled with pity, and words filled with sympathy. But I knew, they would never understand. And they would never want to. But Fiza was different. She came everyday, to give me news of what happened in college.
''Hi!" she said , smiling and dragging the stool to sit. She proceeded to talk about the particularly difficult test they had had that day. Her descriptions were particularly vivid. I almost felt like I was a silent spectator standing in class, and watching the events unfold around me.
