I had just begun to forget, and then I saw her standing there. Right on the corner of the city street with her bottle dyed black hair and dark eyeliner weighing upon her eyes. Maybe, I thought, if I just turned away she might not see me. Before I could make a move she looked up, her emerald eyes peered straight into mine. Her eyes opened up a window to past events, sending me back to relive that monstrosity of a night all over again.
The sound of constant chortling and the cacophony of music had raptured the silence of that night. It was just as I would have imagined it. A large house sat boarding the forest, its lawns had been littered with robust men and chatty girls, most were holding red cups firmly in there hands. Girls had been giggling as they sat around the crystal blue pool as it sparkled against their flawless skin and guys had been cheering as they assembled around meagre timber tables, betting away in jocund company. It had been a party to remember.
The night sky had been filled with more stars than anyone dared to count. The moon had radiated with white beams, piercing the darkness that surrounded it.
Yet, the one thing that had stuck in my memory from that night was that constant smell of smoke that enveloped the air. The thick encompass of dark smog that filled my lungs as if holding me by the neck and choking me. The small tongue of fire that was a light in her hand one moment and was on the ground the next. The trees that had been engulfed in amber flames reaching up to the sky in anguish. The piercing sound of the sirens flashing red and blue through the night.
"Hey," A dull sounding voices rings out that tears me from my thoughts allowing me to focus back on the petite girl who now stood in front of me. With her hands in her black leather jacket pockets she stood with her shoulders slouched inwards only making her body seem more tenuous.
"Oh, hi" I utter in an attempt to create some form of conversation, a small smile plastered upon my face. There was a strong sense of tension between the two of us as we both search for something to say or do. It had been years since I had seen her or even talked with her, what was I meant to say to her now?
"Did you wanna to grab coffee?" She asks suddenly nudging her meagre body towards the small cafe that sat upon the edge the roundabout at the end of the road.
"Yeah, that sounds great." I answered reassuringly instantly regretting my decision. I could have gotten away right then and there. Walking into the small cafe we both took our seats by a small window. The cafe was sparse but inviting with a pale yellow livening up the walls.
"I was just coming back from a job interview." I state quickly as I point to the business buildings behind me.
"Oh that's cool," She spoke, a sense of bitterness lingered in the background of her voice. I could imagine I was one of the last people she really wanted to see. I made sure to keep my smile plastered onto my face in the hopes that this would be all over soon. I could get back to my life without ever having to see her again.
"So, what is it that you do now?" I ask in an attempt to continue the conversation. "I really haven't seen you since-" I trailed off realising that it was the incorrect thing to say in the situation.
"Since the fire." The black haired girl before me spits in disgust. Her languid facial expression twisting into a bitter grimace as she evades my eyes by staring straight into the birch wood table that separated us. "You mean the day you left me to rot." She continues a sense of anger had now washed over her.
The mood has suddenly changed as we both held our seats in an icy stance. For the first time in a long time I had to fight the smile that I usually have plastered upon my face from fading. "I was not the one holding the lighter." I spoke in a solemn whisper so as to not draw attention to our conversation.
"Yes but we were both there." Its true I was there, I had watched her drunken self tumble with the small silver rectangle as she attempted to light the torn piece of paper between her lips. I had even seen it slip from her hand into the grass of the surrounding bush land. Most of all I had seen the branches as they were engulfed in tongues of red and yellow igniting at what seemed like such a rapid pace.
Suddenly, the women across form me jumps up with an elongated sigh and a squeal of the chair scraping across the tiled floor. "Look, I have to go. It was," She paused for a moment as if thinking about what to say next, "Nice seeing you." She sneers gracefully before giving a gentle nod, turning and walking with a sudden burst of confidence out the door.
My shoulders unintentionally slouch as I stare into the warm brown liquid in the mug before me. Before today that night had all seemed like a distant memory a piece of my life that I could forget about and move on.
Yet the distant memory had now engrained itself into my mind and was playing on a constant repeat. As if illustrating the events so as to confirm my innocence. It wasn't my fault, it was hers. I remembered, that night both of us had run out into the forest with the odiferous scent of alcohol on our breaths. We were naive teenagers playing around with the law. Alcohol and drugs, what ever we could get out hands on. We thought we were immortal. Until that moment I handed her the lighter.
It was at that moment that I realised. As much as I pushed the memory into the past. As much as I pushed the blame on her. It was true. I was there. I handed her the lighter.
I felt a salty wet droplet cascade down my cheek before falling into the dull coffee mug. A wave of sorrow poured out of me as I came to the realisation of my own ignorance.
It had been our fault.
