The truth of the matter

The truth: Earthly matters of the heart

The truth of the matter, the truth of the matter is that we all have a pain, a hate, an undeniable feeling of loneliness within us. We fight our battles with the help of ourselves but our own mind turns on us, leaving us defenseless to the hatred of ourselves slowly eating away on us from the inside out until we cant handle it, until we bring ourselves to death. Our silent screams and pleas aren't heard by those who matter most in our lives...you say your fine, but are you really? Is it the fear and loss that brings you to lie? What are we supposed to do with these feelings inside i wonder.

We could cut releasing our held up numbness with a single stroke of the blade jut to feel; only to die of our hate for nothing, we could cry only to be ignored, we could even get mad but will it even matter, because you can only feel numb in this feeling of depression. We continue to scream and cry begging for someone to see through our act, see under the skin where a great feeling of hate and loneliness awaits, so what do we do to put this treachery to an end, please someone save us!! Save us from ourselves, from the hate, from our loneliness, from our feeling of nothing!! Do something! Say anything! Please! We beg of you help us! Drag us out of the watery grave that we drown in! I don't know why you cant hear me, I'm right here just look at me!!!

I scream and scream until my throat turns raw and i can no longer even speak a murmur of the truth. I look up to the water and feel myself sink, my eyes burn, my lungs beg for oxygen burning until i open my mouth to breath i let the pain and fear consume me. Im no longer me anymore, i am not the same happy, cheerful girl i used to be.

I was shoved into this world unknowing and innocent, forced to grow up in a life of hardships. You stand before me now flaunting your money and complaining about how your life sucks. Well do you live in a house that could fall apart at any time? Do you know the pain of starvation? Do you know the cold of the night being alone with nowhere to go? Do you know how it feels?! Do you understand how your hurting me?! Do you know my pain?! HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A FRIEND?! WHY?!WHY CANT YOU SEE? I don't understand! You want and want....yet you cant see the suffering of the one who stood by your side through good and bad.... My name is bell, and this is whats under the surface.

"Friends are family, and family never gets left behind...or forgotten. Right?" -lelo and stitch. I used to believe that I should be kind to all and only good things will come of it. Well i recently discovered that my sister truly hates me-more a like I've only just admit it to myself. Ive known this for a while, but i didn't admit it... The picture above is the message i sent to her further down she admits how she hates me. It is true, what i said. All of the hurt and pain inside all of the turmoil and stress.

We are only related by marriage but i love her with all my heart and it hurts me to hear her cruel words and hateful murmurs. We have our good times and sometimes i wish i could just start over, i think maybe- if i had done different that maybe we could have kept a good relationship. We used to stay up just so we could talk and play. I like to close my eyes and reminisce in the past; remember the smell of the the pine trees and the feel of the wind in my hair as i bound through the forest with the deer, as i play with the animals of the forest making daisy chains in the fields. I like to remember when i had moved from my home in the trees, into the city and think of how it was like being in a completely different world. I was hated as i had a completely different view of life. I had to become an invisibles.

I was no longer who i was. The past is a safe haven, but it can only last for so long. I open my eyes and the problems and stress of the present come crashing down on me. The reality of my pain and suffering, the stress of grades, family and friend issues. Life is hard, but putting up with it is harder. Life is complete and utter bullshit sometimes. So why? Why cant me and my sister just get along? I don't understand.... I feel so alone.... I feel so....so....i feel so sad and angry! We've had our good times of course, but all of thats gone.