**This is a possible start to the book**
Ask yourself.
If you could turn back time, and erase anything from the past… what would it be?
Me? I would erase everything. I would change everything. If I could, I would erase my very birth.
I live a double life, and every day I am betraying others with every single breath I take.
I have let others in on my life, only slightly, and that has only caused them worry and fear, when nobody needs to worry about me. Nobody should. It should be against the law.
The people who surround me, who comfort me, who want to love me, all think I’m just a normal human being. Just like them. But it kills me on the inside, lying and hiding them from what I am. No matter how much they say that I can trust them, or tell them anything, I can’t do it. There are so many different reasons why. One of the biggest ones being, if I did tell anyone who I am, and what I’ve done in life, they would be afraid of me. They’d think me a freak…. A murderer.
But the biggest reason of all is because if they knew who I am, knew what I’ve done, they would try to execute my entire race of existence. Humankind has no idea what other ‘species’ live among them. And we want to keep it that way.
As by now you already know, I am a Vampire. I drink the blood of my victims, I can live for an eternity, I kill, masses of humans at a time. I can look into someone’s eyes and they are immediately under my spell, even if I don’t mean it. I cannot control what I am.
It seems that no matter how hard I try, I always screw things up, lose the people who mean the most to me, and destroy so many beautiful things that live in this world, all because, I was, never. Meant. To be.
Yet the people who know my secret, who have shared and played their role in my life, still want to help me, and make me feel better. I just wish it was that easy, I wish I didn’t remember everything I’ve done let alone ever even doing it. Sometimes it gets to a point where I don’t know what to believe, or what to do. Sometimes I just lose all faith in life and forget why I even bother staying alive. But then that’s when he steps in.
Dantay.
He and I have been together for many, many years. Through thick and think, we have healed each other’s wounds, mended each other’s hearts. Kept each other alive.
All he ever wanted to do was love me and keep me with him, so that the world would have no effect on me, so that he could protect me from all the horrible things out there. But there was one thing he can’t protect me from. And that is myself.
So many promises I’ve made to him have been broken, some of these have even killed him. But, we bring him back one way or another, and he continues to love me, and forgive me, still trying to make me ok. I have always hated myself for that, always blamed myself. I don’t have the guts or self-control to tell him he can’t forgive me, to tell him that he needs to leave me in order to keep himself alive and happy, because I’ll only always end up hurting him. Always. The love I feel for Dantay is the strongest love I have ever known. Every little thing about him, just keeps me from making one step closer to losing it. His smile, his eyes, his hair, his rich dark earth and mint scent. The way he looks at me when he tells me he loves me, the way he listens and cares about me. The fact that he can stand me, love me or even be around me, without thinking of the horrible things I have done. All the people I’ve killed.
When Dantay found out that I had cut myself, he was so upset. He was terrified of me even.. So he made me promise him, he made me promise to never ever harm myself again. Days later I broke that promise. Days later I saw his world cave in. I saw him cry.
My sisters, Lily and Samantha, they haven’t exactly gotten along to well. Lily told me a secret, and I stupidly told Sam about it. This secret upset Sam so much… as much as I begged her not to say anything, nothing came through in the end. She ended up screaming with rage at Lily about the secret, and Lily hated me for telling Sam, Sam hated Lily for lying to her, and I hated myself for starting the whole thing. I was at Dantay’s place at the time, so I went downstairs to get a knife from the kitchen and when I went back upstairs, I told Lily I was sorry for the billionth time, and if she could please tell Sam I said goodbye.
I walked into the unsuit, and stared at my tear drenched, disgraced face in the mirror. In disgust, I drove the knife deep into the flesh of both my wrists and fell to the floor.
Dantay came home about 30 seconds after to find me, on the bathroom floor bleeding to death. He did everything he could to save me, and it was only just enough. When I came through, and looked up at him, I realised he had been balling his eyes out, and now it was dimmed down to a small sob.
“W-w-why are you crying..” I asked in a soft whisper
“ You could have died! I almost lost you!” his voice wasn’t fierce, but very upset.
“ I’m so sorry… it’s all my fault… now I have broken 2 promises in the same hour.”
He looked at me with pleading eyes, leaned in closer to me.
“Why do you do this to yourself Trinity…” He said this in Russian, so I answered in Russian;
“I’m so sorry.. I’m so, so sorry..” my face began to stream with tears, as I buried myself into his chest.
He held me closely, and we stayed that way for a long while. A couple days later, my wrists had almost completely healed, and I went back on my laptop to confront Lily. I said that I understood if she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and if she never wanted to talk to me, I would leave her alone. But she cut me off, with her own apologies, saying that she was horrible not to care, saying she hated herself for wanting me to die, over the secret.
Dantay finding me on the floor like that, it destroyed him. Seeing me, bleeding, dying in front of him, it made him really unstable afterwards. Now, when I see him, He’s always so cautious around me, never moving too quickly, as if he could break me, as if I was some, expensive and fragile vase. I never forgave myself for that. It was my fault. All of it. No one would be upset if I had just kept my mouth shut.
My sisters and Dantay all tell me that I shouldn’t put myself through so much guilt. That nothing is my fault, but I can’t help knowing what I’ve done was wrong and stupid. Every day that goes by, I feel as if I’m slowly losing myself. Slowly fading into the darkness of what I have become.
