The Girl with No Emotions

34: HIM

                  

HIM

January 9, 2015

The phone call seemed cryptic. She sounded bad. I've never seen her like this. So full of emotion. So much sadness. She sounded so lost. Yet she seemed full of emptiness. How do I get to her without breaking any laws? By the time I get to her, it could be too late. I kept playing her words over and over in my head. She seemed fine the other day. Her smiles didn't seem rehearsed. Her perfect, unguarded smiles. They didn't seem afraid or unspoken for. They seemed well versed, almost fluent. Her smiles so fluent, her beautiful smile. How didn't I see through them? Oh God, please help her. I beg you. I implore you. Please, please be with her while I am not. Why are the speed limits only 40 miles!? That's not fast enough. I am not fast enough.   

          I scrambled for my phone. I looked down to put in the passcode. My hands shook so much I kept putting in the wrong numbers. Then I started to believe I didn't even know what my passcode was. 6-4-4-5, enter. Nothing. 9-1-1-5. Ugh. 9-4-1-5. September 4, 2015. The day I met her. My phone unlocked. Finally. A loud honk scared me and I swerved. It turned out I was drifting into the other lane. The guy in the car next to me rolled down his window and really let me have it. But I didn't care. Nothing mattered. Only Her. Getting to her. I guess I felt bad I almost knocked a guy off the road. At the same time, I really didn't. Maybe that made me a bad person. I just needed to get to her. My mind was set solely on getting to her.

          I still was on my phone. I still needed to reach her. If not physically, then virtually. My phone locked again. My frustration made it hard for me to focus. It completely swallowed me whole. I can't. I can't get to her. All these obstacles. There were too many. Emotional and physical roadblocks that just kept getting in the way of us. Love shouldn't be this hard. This suffocating but empowering at the same time. I always assumed it was easy. It was simple. Girl likes boy. Boy likes girl. My eyes started to water dramatically and it flooded my vision. I couldn't see.

          There was gas station at my next right and I zoomed in. I almost lost control of the car. I pulled into the first parking space I saw. And I wasn't poised about it. I was a frantic driver who made rash decisions. I was sure everyone thought I was crazy and that I needed some help. How unfair. I'm dealing with something beyond me and I appear crazy? I just lost it. This was all too much. I screamed and cried and did both at the same time. I couldn't handle this. I know I need to get to her but I couldn't handle all of this. I wanted to get to her but I couldn't move. My hands shook and kept shaking. I grabbed the steering wheel to help but it didn't. I, then, tightened my grip and shook the whole car.

          "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I yelled.

          "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" With all my might I shook the car. Each yell was louder than the last. Each with a different expression of ache. Each desperate cry for relief. I don't want to lose her. I really, really don't. I need to get to her, I kept thinking. But my body was frozen in place. And I wept. I hadn't cried this hard this much since the doctors told me my dad was going to die. This reminded me too much of my dad. Except my dad fought. She stopped fighting. This was the scariest feeling. The thought of losing her. Her being gone forever just because she chose to leave. She wanted to leave. She wanted to leave me. Why did she want to leave me? Didn't she love me? At least like me?  

          Am I not enough for her live? Her dad, her friends? Her voice sounded like how her face looked when she saw my mom's breakdown. There she sounded like she was consumed in so much emotion but then, it was as if she had none at all. I am so confused. None of this makes sense. I felt so stupid sitting here. This girl that I loved was dying on her bedroom floor possibly and I was sitting in a parking lot at a gas station trying to understand it. Why wasn't I enough?