The One Who Loves

THE ONE WHO LOVES

"There is a thin line between love and obsession."

To love, is to hold on.

PROLOGUE

Ang sabi nila, kumapit ka lang daw nang kumapit kasi malay mo, ang mga hinahangad mong mapasa'yo ay mapapasa'yo rin balang araw. Hindi lang daw tayo dapat naghihintay, dapat tayo rin ang gumagawa ng paraan para makuha natin ang balang araw na inaasam-asam natin. Hanggang saan nga ba ang kaya nating gawin para sa gusto nating balang araw?

Tahimik ang paligid, everyone is looking at the groom and the bride. The bride is nice, nice, but the groom? He's flawless. He's . . . everything I wanted, everything I lost,  and everything I can never have again. 

Grade 5 ako noong una ko siyang makilala. Grade 5, many many years ago. Ipinikit ko ang mata ko at inaalala ang mga pangyayari, foundation day 'yon ng school namin, at dahil hindi naman ako gaanong nakikipagsocialize, naupo lang ako sa isang tabi habang nagbabasa ng libro.

And she did it, she did it for love. She did it for him. Nakalagay sa librong binabasa ko. Napatigil ako sa pagbabasa nang biglang mayro'n akong ingay na narinig, isinara ko ang libro at agad ko itong nilingon. 

"Dali na," pagpupumilit ng isang lalaking matangkad at mapaangkit ang itsura sa kasama niya.

"Oo nga, bading ka ba?" Dagdag naman ng isa nilang kasama. Napapangalumbaba ako, lahat sila ay may itsura . . . pipili na ba ako ng isa? Pero kung titingnan, isa talaga ang nakakaangat para saakin. 'Yong nasa gitna, he has this aura of a model, artista ba siya? He can be one. Ang alam ko ay mas matanda saakin ng isa o dalawang taon ang mga lalaking 'yan. Nakikita ko silang umaakyat ng stage for awards, maybe varsity sila ng basketball? I'm not sure.

Napaayos ako ng upo nang biglang lumapit saakin ang lalaking nasa gitna. Ngumiti siya at naglahad ng asul na rosas. Uhm . . . asul na rosas? "What's with the color?" agad ang naisip ko. Pero hinayaan ko na lang, baka naubusan ng red.

"Saakin . . . ba . . ." Nagaalangan kong sabi. Mas lalo niyang nilaparan ang ngiti niya at napakamot pa ng ulo. Napangiti ako bigla, I felt shivers or should I say, kilig? Kinikilig ako?

"Sa'yo," tipid niyang sagot. Nang kuhain ko ang bulaklak ay napakagat siya sa labi niya ngunit kita parin naman ang 'di mapigilang ngiti sa mukha niya. Oh handsome.

I think I know him already. 'Yong laging kumakanta dito sa school kapag may event. The guy with that golden voice na talaga namang . . . talaga naman, Kean Evangelista. Madalas kong naririnig ang pangalan niya. Inaasar din siya ng mga kaibigan niya sa apelyido niya dahil may kapangalang artista. Every lunch time, he goes to the music room. Recess siya kumakain. He stays late in school sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, kahit kailan ay hindi pa siya naunang umuwi saakin. Lagi ko siyang naaabutan. And he's a smart guy, isa sa mga top ng school.

Ay, bakit ko alam ang mga 'yon? Never akong naging stalker. Never. 

"Friends?" He asked, offering his hand. Ang formal niya, way different from the guys na kilala ko. I like it.

I smiled, a little bit, "Friends."

And that was the first time. Now, he's already getting married. 

People are waiting for the groom's answer. Silence, no one dared to talk. Even our breathing stopped in agitation, waiting for him to say the right word. Not knowing if do is really the right word to say or maybe- just maybe . . . "don't" will be much more appropriate.

Inulit ng pari ang katanungang kinakatakutan kong sagutin niya nang tama. Nilingon niya ako at agad akong nagiwas ng tingin. Hindi ko kaya. 

Ilang segundo pa ang nakalipas nang sa wakas ay nagsalita na siya, "I do." 

And there, everyone gasped for air. The scenery was too beautiful that it hurts my eye. Everyone is too happy that it crumples my inside. I should be happy for them too, I need to be happy for them. Kahit sa kanila na lang ako maging masaya, kahit hindi na para saakin. Mas masakit palang makita siyang ikasal, lalo na't sa kaniya.

Of all people, why her?

The priest's smile is unbearable that I can't even look at him as he spoke, "You may now kiss the bride."

The groom lifted the veil of his ever beloved bride. And I don't know if it's just me . . or they really look happy. Maybe I just really tend to see that he's happy with her, or maybe he's really happy with her. But the bride? That's supposed to be me.

I gasped when I felt a sudden punch of pain in my chest. And when their lips met- I shed a tear, I can't help it. I quickly wiped it using my handkerchief. I don't want other people to see my crying for him again, I don't want him to see me crying for him. That after all these years, he's still the guy in my heart. And that- I think will never change.

"You okay?" Tanong ni Geanne while patting my back and smiling at me for comfort.

"Gusto mo ng fresh air? Nauutot pa naman ako, sorry." Sabat naman ni Gino. 

"Loko ka talaga!" Saway ni Geanne sa kanya. Natawa na lang ako sa kanila at tumango tango nang marahan. Nagpaypay ako ng mukha para hindi na ulit tumulo ang luha.

"Kaya mo 'yan." Mahinang bulong ni Geanne at para bang may gumuhit nanaman sa puso ko at gustong gusto ko nang humagulgol sa sakit. The pain, it's unbearable.

The bride tightened her grab on the groom's arm as they walk to the middle . . . and when they passed my seat, nagkatinginan kami. A sudden bolt of energy went inside me-electrifying. Grounding. Hurting.

It makes me want to cry, I want to cry. Pero huwag ngayon, hindi dito.

A small smile formed on his lips, I faked a smile at marahang tumango. Trying to say congratulations. Stupid. How can he still smile at a time like this? He's so foolish, paano niya naasiwa na nandito ako habang kinakasal siya?

He dyed his hair black just for today's ceremony. Because during his last concert, it was all brownish. He still got that hyperventilating looks just like the first time that I fell for him- high school. And after that, I kept on falling for him. Hindi maikakaila na kahit sinong babae ay kaya niya talagang paibigan just by biting his lower lip, or even just by looking at his dark brown eyes.

At mas lalo na kapag nakilala pa siya . . . he's just, something more. How can I manage to let him slip away from me? Why did I let him slip away?

Geanne leaned closer to me and asked, "Mahal mo parin?" And I couldn't deny the truth. Stupid Geanne, stupid question, stupid heart, stupid . . . stupid me.

"Oo, mahal na mahal ko parin, Ge." Napangiwi na lamang siya.

"Swerte naman ni bride," sagot niya. And I'm supposed to be that bride, ako dapat 'yon, ako sana 'yon.

Ako sana ang babaeng itataas niya ang veil at hahalikan nang taimtim sa harap ng mga bisita sa kasal namin. Ako sana ang babaeng makakasama at mamahalin niya habang buhay.

Kung hindi dahil sa babaeng 'yan, ako 'yon.