I can't eat. I don't want to do anything. I don't not want to do anything, either. I think I just need to take a hiatus from life. It's too depressing and happy and infuriating, sometimes all at once. I'm sorry if it seems if I'm ranting, but that's probably because I am. I'm really just doing this to relieve myself of some stress. My uncle just died the other day so I figured doing something like writing my inside stuff down would help. That's what therapists usually suggest anyways. It feels like my chest is tight and I'm about to cry, but the tears just won't come. My boyfriend keeps trying to make me smile. I want to tell him that I don't want to smile and laugh right now, but I know he means well and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I love him too much. I don't really know if doing this will help, but it's worth a shot right? I know my little sister is a writer on here, and if she ends up reading this I want her to know that I love her and our brother and mom. I know I haven't been a very good sister or daughter in the past. I'd like to change that and make amends if I can. And I know dad would love to see you this weekend. He really needs it, especially since I'm not sure if I'll be able to make it to the funeral. I hope I can, but I haven't been able to find anyone to take my shift at work yet. I only have tomorrow left. I hope someone will. I want to pay my respects and see everyone. I miss them. And my poor cousin who's studying to be a doctor found her dad dead in his bed and tried to recsecitate him. I don't even want to imagine me walking on my dad and trying to do that... I want to cry so bad right now. Now I just want to be nothing. I don't even know what I'm doing with my life. No dreams. No aspirations. Just gotta make money and be happy in a world of gray rainbows and die. It's not fair. But life isn't meant to be fair, is it? My boyfriend just handed me an envelope. This actually makes me smile, because I know what's inside: a wedding invitation from my big brother. It's in July, so I'll be able to be happy and mean it. And he'll finally be able to meet my family. I'm looking forward to the awkwardness. I'll probably do this as like a daily thing. Or every few days. Whatever hapens, hapens. It's past 10 right now and I want to watch some TV before I go to bed so that's all for today. Thanks for reading this far. Night.
