unexpected

Part 1

 Everything was warm, and hazed over, like I didn't know what I was doing. With the hazy lighting in my room, the fairy lights giving the faintest bit of romantic lighting. Her sitting there, fully clothed, the flower crown I had jokingly placed on her head still atop her messy hair. I sat there in a oversized shirt, nothing underneath besides my underwear, just staring at her. Fucking hell she was so gorgeous. She gave me a crooked grin,

" What's on your mind, Fern?". I felt my mouth gape open to say something, but noting came. 

" N-Nothing, Genevieve .." I stuttered quietly, Gen gave me a skeptical look and leaned forward, making her mousey shoulder length hair sway.

" Are you sure? you look..nervous." I instantly felt my face grow warm. Then, almost as if something had control of my body, I was leaning towards her. Genevieve backed up against my wall as I advanced towards her, looking weirded out as her seemingly straight best friend made a move towards her.

"Fern, what are you do-?" she was cut short as I closed in the small gap of air that was left between us. She was nice, better than any boy I had ever kissed.  I could feel how tense Gen was, but after  moment, she relaxed, and leaned into me even more. Next thing I knew, things were picking up pace, Genevieve getting more into the kiss than I thought she would, and me following her lead. But, almost as if reality had slapped me across the face, I sent myself sprawling backwards and off my bed, just as Gen had gotten her fingers around the bottom of my shirt.

"Fern! W-what's wrong? I thought you were into it!" Genevieve frantically called to me while adjusting the crown on her head back into place. I was breathless, frantic, scared even.

" Gen! I'm so, so sorry! I didn't mean to! I don't know what happened, please forgive me.." Tears started to stream my face as I cried about my actions. Genevieve's offended expression melted off of her face, and was replaced with sympathy.  She got off of my bed, adjusted her jeans, and  walked over to where I sat sobbing on my carpet.

" Fern, its okay, you don't need to be sorry." She quietly said as she stroked the top of my hair. I shook my head and cried even more. I had no idea on what I had just done, sure Gen was openly into chicks, but I wasn't. I mean, they're so pretty, and usually sweet to me, but Gen is my friend, she's different..not just some girl that I can just kiss when I pleased. I wasn't out, I was still cowering inside my closet, but I think I had just accidentally waltzed out of it. Genevieve's hands on my face ripped me from my thoughts.

" Dear, dry your eyes, it'll be okay." she gave a soft smile at me and reached for my hands. When I refused her hands, she sarcastically pouted and went,

" Fine, let me change and I'll come back for you..". Gen gave me a wink and slowly started to change into her pajamas. Once she was done, she gave me her hands again, I refused them again.

" Fine, up you go, I guess" she chuckled as she bent down and lifted me entirely off the ground. I wrapped my legs around her torso and my arms around her neck as I gave quiet, muffled sobs into her shoulder. Genevieve set me down on my bed and leaned into kiss my forehead, but I pulled away. " Gen, no. This cant happen. Were never going to be a thing, ever. I'm not gay. I will never be gay, I just got curious..that's all" I lied through my teeth. Every fiber of my being was screaming to let her kiss me, and call me babe, and show me affection, but I would never get that. Living in the house I did was hard. Being gay was supported, but not if you were one of the children in the family. I could never be gay no matter how much I wanted to. Gen nodded silently, her facial expression cold.

" I see.." she muttered and then crawled to the opposite end of the bed, and curled up. I sighed and wanted to sob as I watched the love of my life fall asleep, all I desperately wanted to do was to curl up with her, I wanted to be hers.  I curled up on my end, and tried my best to not cry as I let my family life shove me back into the closet, probably to never come back out again.