Known

Chapter 1

"That stinks." My father mumbles as he slams his thumb down on the button that controls the driver side window in frustration.

"Sorry, next time I'll get the perfume scented ones." I say this with no expression before I take my last drag and push the cigarette through the tiny crack of the passenger side window. There's so many things going through my head right now and the last thing I care about is the way my dad feels towards me smoking. I slowly rest my head on the window and close my eyes wanting so badly to re-do everything that has been done. Re-say everything that has been said. Hell I would even re-feel everything that's been felt if it would take the pain away from my mother. I saw this coming and I ignored it. But I don't blame myself, and I don't feel guilty about it. I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I didn't know about what my mother was planning or I would have stopped it. The one time knowing something could have changed things for the better, and I had no idea.

"We're almost there." My dad says breaking the silence between us. I don't respond and instead try to daydream about a life where I don't have such fucked up parents. I'd have a perfectly normal little sister, that didn't have autism and behavioral problems, my real father would care about me, and my mom would have tried harder. I'd be happy with a life like that even if we still had financial problems.

"Please when we go in, don't ask the most obvious question." My father tries to demand it but it comes out like more of a question.

"Wow." Is all I manage to say because of how offended and surprised I am.

"Jamie. Please. She doesn't need to keep thinking about it." He whines in annoyance and tries to justify what he just asked of me.

"So instead I'll think about it?" I raise my voice a little but try to keep my cool.

"The less you talk about it the less you think about it." He mumbles while he pulls into the parking lot of Benidictine Hospital. He slowly turns the car off and just sits in the driver seat as if hes awaiting the confirmation that I won't ask my mom why she tried to kill herself. So I wait with him. It's pretty dark out and I can't tell what his face expression is but I'd bet if looks could kill I would be in a coffin. After a few moments he gives up and steps out of the car shaking his head. I follow his footsteps.

The inside of this hospital looks modern and relatively spacious. The strong aroma of cleaning products fills my sinuses which makes me want to hold my nose. Above the receptionist is a sign that says "Psychiatric Ward" with an arrow pointing to the left. My dad points to it and nods towards the brightly lit long corridor with an elevator at the end but I don't really want to go any further than what I am now. My heart is racing a mile a minute and I think my lungs are unable to deflate but I hold my composure.

"I need to smoke first." I whisper without looking at him, thinking about a million different other things.

"Huh?" I know I hear my dad ask me to repeat what I had just said but for some reason I am incapable of responding or even looking at him. My gaze is hold and met by the white tiled floor and my stance is alert. I feel like I'm trying to prepare myself for a war but that's nothing worth noting because it happens daily.

"Jamie?" He raises his voice a little and it makes me jump and now he has my full and undivided attention.

"Yeah?" I fold my arms across my chest because I feel like he's about to ask me to do something I don't want to do.

"If you're gonna smoke you need to hurry, visiting hours end soon." He reminds me and then disappears down the corridor and into the elevator.

I have no idea why I'm running but I really don't want to stop. I run through the hospital doors, past the no smoking signs they have pasted on every side of the building and back down into the parking lot where dozens of diverse cars are parked crookedly next to one another. I sit down in the grass, directly in front of my dads 98 grand Cherokee Jeep which is painted a matte black, and light a cigarette. I don't want to think about anything else so I fixate my gaze on a barely noticeable dent on the fender of my dads truck and focus on inhaling and exhaling.

"Hey, you got a light?" I hear to the right of me. I don't look up and instead hand my bic to the side I heard the voice on. The stranger takes it and flicks it a few times before taking a seat next to me and handing it back. I look in the strangers direction and his gorgeous face doesn't catch me off guard. It's the fact that he has to be no older than 20 and he's wearing a nurse uniform. I don't say anything I just take my lighter back and continue my smoke session. We sit in silence for my entire cigarette and now I'm questioning why he sat next to me in the first place.

"Sorry, I'm at a loss for words." He smiles.

"No worries." I whisper as I slowly stand up. I have to go back in but my feet aren't moving despite my brain telling them to.

"If you aren't ready you don't have to." He whispers so low I barely catch it. I shoot him a weird look hoping he can see my facial expression. I'm confused as to why he just said that but also intrigued that he thinks he knows anything about what I'm feeling and thinking.

"You're outside of a psychiatric hospital smoking a cigarette 20 minutes before visiting hours end. You are avoiding a patient." He says when I don't respond.

"Oh."

Then he stands up and gets closer than I'm comfortable with. He doesn't say anything. He just looks my in the eye.

"What?" I snap.

"Where are you from?" I feel like I'm being interrogated by a police officer but he's asking a question I get on a regular basis due to my accent. And I also know I haven't perfected English but I haven't said enough to make it seem like I haven't been in America long.

"I'm Venezuelan." I roll my eyes and stare back at him.

He grins mildly and steps a little close and I'm surprised I caught it because I can't seem to stop staring at his eyes. He's very attractive but he seems arrogant and disloyal. Two traits I can't stand. And before I know it his lips are on mine. I'm stunned but for some reason I kiss him back. His warm hands cradle my cheeks and he pulls me closer. Our mouths are moving in perfect sync and I suddenly feel annoyed. I break our kiss and shatter the moment we just shared.

"Bet you aren't thinking about your mom anymore." He says this with no expression and heads towards the hospital entrance leaving me behind. How the fuck did he know about my mom?