Random Writings

December Eighth

December eighth, two-thousand-fourteen. What time was it? Four forty-something? I don't know, I wasn't paying attention to the clock, which was wrong all the time anyway. All I remember was that it was already getting pretty dark, and it was so cold that I was shivering all the time unless I was sitting right in front of the space heater. I sneaked in a few hugs from you under the guise of being cold, which was technically true, but really, I just wanted to hug you. Every time you reached over and put your arms around me, wrapping around so that your hands met behind my waist, I felt an electric shock jolt through my heart; I'd never admit it to your face, at least, I didn't think I would. Did you feel the same way about me? Did you want to spend all your time with me, as well?

You were acting in ways that said "yes", but my past experience with having crushes made me think "no", that there was no way you'd ever be interested in me. We were both boys, after all. Does he even like boys? was a constant question on my mind, and I resolved that until I could get a definite answer to that, I wouldn't be telling you. And I promised myself that if I found out you were straight, I would lock those flutters deep into my heart and never speak of it, never humiliate myself in front of you by telling you how I really felt.

The space heater was emitting a dull roar in the background, and I leaned back in my chair, constantly thinking of those happy little moments that had caused my cheeks to glow red, caused me to duck my head so you wouldn't see my expression.

That funny comment you had made to me on the first of December when I asked you a question - the comment that had made me turn bright red because of how sexual it was, and how we both started cracking up as I covered my face with my hands, and to which you said, "Are you turning red?!", to which I had removed my hands from my face and told you to "judge for yourself!"
You turning your head towards me, a white puffy cloud being exhaled from your lips, which broke into a smile when you saw I was looking at you. You asked me if we should go check on the computer, but to me, it was an opportunity for us to be alone, to be together, to really talk.
Us walking around in the fading daylight, going to actually check on said computer. Us talking about something arbitrary, soft white clouds escaping as we spoke, when suddenly you slipped on the concrete. Given the rain, I wasn't really that surprised that you slipped, but it didn't stop me from reaching over and nearly grabbing you to steady you. I only stopped myself at the last second, begging myself not to do anything that would be perceived as "gay" by you, or anything that might shout out my feelings.
In the room, the next day. We were alone, and I had asked you if I was annoying, because I'd been belittled the night before by a so-called "friend" and I was feeling bad about myself. You told me no, I wasn't annoying, and asked why; I told you, and your mouth dropped open and stayed that way until I finished explaining, trying to choke back the tears. You pulled yourself together, and I can't remember what you said to me. I only remember that you said, "-you're my friend, and-", but I jumped on you so quickly that your chair rolled back a few inches, and I wrapped my arms around you, whispering "thank you" to you. You were surprised, and didn't initially hear me, but you put your arm around me, and when I repeated what I said, you responded with, "You're welcome" and put your other arm around me. We stayed like that for a few minutes, my body resting on yours, and I buried my head into your shoulder, inhaling your familiar scent. It was comforting to me. It was when I felt I could really be myself with you; that I wouldn't be judged for whatever I said.
Those times you darted up to me after classes, as we walked to our club. One of them - you had darted up from behind me, on the second floor, which I didn't expect to see you on because your locker was on the first floor and my last class was on the second. It didn't even register that you were the one saying "hi!" to me until I looked up, noticed you, and immediately turned bright red, apologizing for not noticing you were there. Then - had it been today? yeah, it had been - you rushed up next to me, and this time I saw you coming, but when you greeted me this time, I felt my face's color escalate into a blush for no obvious reason. I ducked my head, trying to push it away, and mumbled out some incoherent greeting to you, desperate to hide my crush.
Today as well - it had started raining, and my backpack had been resting outside, not quite protected by the overhang. You ran outside, and I saw you were darting towards my things. I called out for you to push them under the nearby rotting table for me, but you scooped them up in your arms and carried them inside the club shed for me. I thanked you profusely, and gave you a warm smile, which you returned.