Break On Me

Stranger

They say the second time around everything becomes easier. To this, I would tell them to suck it.

The slow consistent beeping coming from the machine that's currently hooked up in my brother's chest has not become any less jarring. Watching his hair slowly fade away until eventually it's completely gone is only harder. The road ahead doesn't seem to be any smoother knowing what obstacles stand in the way, but harder knowing exactly what volatile land mines are going to explode and throw our lives into a state of earth shattering uncertainty. It feels like that instant you get on a rollercoaster and are strapped in waiting and realize you want to get off. The fear finds its way to you, clawing up every inch of your body until you realize there's no turning back.

I take a shallow breath and find myself staring at the sleeping shell of a man in front of me knowing just how strong he is, but fearing that this time around I might be the one to break.

Just four years ago we were sitting in the same hospital finally waking up from the nightmare that plagued us for years before, hearing the news of remission. We thought that we would never find ourselves back in this same place for the same fucking thing that caused so much pain in the past.

But life always has other plans. Here we are again sitting through another round of chemo—only this time it is just the two of us. The other three bodies that sat with us are gone. Mom and dad, literally gone, and Kip, our oldest brother, gone by choice. My head pounds as I think about all the shit we've been through over the years, but try to put a smile on my face when I see Luke's eyes flutter open.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" I ask in a quiet voice, knowing that if I tried to speak any louder my words would come out without any strength behind them.

"Well considering this," he gestured to the port sticking out of his chest, "I would say pretty shitty," he answers with humor lacing his words. I never can understand how his attitude stays so amazingly positive while I'm one second away from throwing up the entire contents of my stomach.

I chuckle slightly, "I was about to go grab a book out of the car, is there anything you need before I head out?" I ask.

"No thanks, I'm probably just gonna close my eyes again, and wait till this is over," Luke replies leaning his head back against the stiff pillow.

I nod and stand up gathering my things and head out the door. As I walk out of the room I feel my composure start to slip and hurry towards the exit so no one is able to see me break down. Not even making it around the corner completely I stumble into what feels like a brick wall.

I feel myself hit the ground when the figure in front of me opens his mouth to speak, but I can't hear a word he says. I'm too busy staring into what I feel is my reflection. I see cloudy eyes that are hollow and empty with a permanent red tint in them that have either come from crying, or trying to numb the pain that caused the tears in the first place.

"I'm sorry I wasn't lookin where I was goin darlin," I finally process what the man had said to me. I just nod and turn around to get out of the hospital before my tears threaten to spill over.  My pace quickens when I see the exit in front of me and let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding when my hands meet the cool metal handles to push open the doors.

The bright light shines on my already burning  skin as I finally make it outside. I inhale as I make my way across the parking lot unlocking my car, and quickly get in.

The sobs erupt before I have time to even process the emotions that are taking over my body. I cry until my eyes become dry and my throat becomes hoarse. I take a minute to calm my breathing and force myself to pull it together. Grabbing my book out of the bag on the passenger seat, I take one more breath and wipe my eyes. I make my way back into the hospital, hoping that I can avoid any more human contact for the rest of the day.