Inclement Clement

The Life Story of Inclement Clement

His hair grew upon his head in shallow waves of parsimonious nature. His eyes glittered nervously, and a smirk rested continuously upon his roguish face. The personality which graced him was quite conniving.

He was a thief, and a marvelous one at that. Known for his proud pickpocketing and daring escapades, the entire vicinity of towns and villages was in fear of him. He was entirely recalcitrant towards his conscience. It seemed to never affect him, and he always proceeded along with his 'duties' in all eager haste. Many a fearful villager would remark that his conscience seemed a flimsy one, and they wondered why God hadn't blessed him with one of steel. Others remarked that so many years of thieving had stultified his conscience to such an extent that it no longer existed. The third party sarcastically gave their condolences to the man for the loss of said conscience.

Either way, Clement was vicious. His nature was entirely at odds with his name, but he never seemed to mind. He rather liked the irony of it, so much so that in accordance with the irony, he would often disguise himself as an innocent, suavely gaining the trust of those around him, and then leave by dawn with a multifarious bagful of treasure. Those who he stole from in such a manner were always left in a quandary, which quickly turned to a state of utter animosity. He never seemed to mind, and actually considered the false kindness he showed to the people before he robbed them as a reprisal of sorts for the theft he was about to commit.

Those who knew him hated him, and those who didn't know him were about to. He had no friends, but rather a few companions whom he had enlisted as slaves, by threat, to aid him on his exploits.

The most famous capers of Clement were three. One, the most famous, in which he actually befriended the king and then stole half of his treasury (the people always said it was never guarded well enough; the king was growing fat in his old age, and rather senile) before the king had made it from his throne to the end of the throneroom. The second, where he dug a tunnel under the tavern and made off with every single keg of ale, and held a magnificent feast for his companions (the drunken roars of the men could be heard in the villages, which were several miles away from Clement's gaudily furnished den). And finally the third, where he was incapable of stealing the gold from a heavily guarded wagon, and in his impatience set it on fire, so that in the flames the guards and the wagon would be destroyed in a moment, leaving the gold free and stealable in the smoky air. He stole every single coin.

His mother had spoiled him as a child, and had given him silver coins to be his toys. He would lift them up into the beams of light which came through the windows, and watch them sparkle as he twisted and turned them in his meaty little hands. Hence his love of coins, which had contributed majorly to his life career, earning him fame, if not in a pleasant manner. His nursemaid in later years always told many tales of him, including the one above, one of the most popular being how he demanded edible gold dust to be sprinkled on his broccoli. He wouldn't eat them otherwise. Clement's father, a noble, was completely capable of fulfilling his wishes, but hated it. If he didn't give in, Clement would set up such a screaming fit as would give both of his parents a headache for days. The nursemaid for the rest of her life suffered from chronic migraine as a result.

Clement went through his life with a morbid grin on his face, and a bag of coins always attached to his belt. He robbed and thieved and feasted, and without fail, every Sunday morning, he would stand at the very top of the mountain and roar 'Amazing Grace' at the top of his rusty lungs.

Old Mrs. Dunham, a 'firm Christian' and renowned gossip, was always mortified by this. To have such a man singing such a holy song! But the other Christians in the town, even the preacher, were rather amused. The preacher himself remarked that, since Clement never went to church except to rob the money from the collection plates, having at least some source of Christianity in his life had to be good for him, and had to be somehow wearing away at his stolid sinfulness.

Clement was inclement, and all hoped for God to fix his corroded heart.