I don't know much about depression by I do know I sit alone alot and even the sunny days seem gray.
Our house of girls were on a field trip to go snow sledding.
One staff says "Don't break anything out there, we want everyone to be able to have fun today". After about 90 minutes I am going down the hill on my sled alone and hit the bump that's meant to send me high in the air, excitedly I scream.
The scream quickly becomes one for pain not joy. I flip over face flat into the snow, coming to an abrupt stop.
I lay there with intense pain shooting down my legs and I keep hearing those words "Don't break anything". I lay alone, crying. When a staff comes down to me I wipe my tears, get to my feet in agonizing pain. I say "I'm fine." I walk slowly to the bottom
of the hill and sit alone. For what seemed likes days I sat alone in excruciating pain, praying the girls would tire quickly so I could go back to the house. I tell the staff I have a headache, I need some Tylenol. The staff give me the bottle so they don't have to be bothered every 4-6 hrs.
I take the whole bottle at once, I want ALL my pain to go away.
My physical pain. The pain of those dark days, the others readily discuss in therapy sessions. The pain of being alone. The pain of having a broken body. I confide in one girl, ask her to give all my stuff to my attorney so he will give it to my Mom.
Quickly staff surround me, and I am whisked to the hospital. While in the ER, the Dr notices brusing on my back and hip. An xray shows a hairline fracture in my right hip and tailbone. I am given charcoal and after a few days of a locked unit and more therapy sessions I am allowed to go back to the group home.
I don't go on any more field trips, I start writing letters to the boy from the library that day in 9th grade. The letters become love letters and for once in a very long time I am not alone.
A few girls have left, new ones in thier place and some run away. I learn from them when they return how they got out, how they got caught.
My favorite staff member was Faith, mostly because after my fall she encouraged me.
She says "Don't run away on me tonight, I have things to do tomorrow".
Well, I had learned and decided I was done with this place so I packed my bags and went out the door. I was to never return.
I went to the boys house and stayed a few days. Then moved onto a friend's house when the police questioned the boys Mom.
After some time the cops would find me and I would spend my first and only day in a Juvenile center. Full of kids accused of committing crimes.
I would go back to the hospitals locked unit, a kid would lose his temper, push me down as he ran from a Doctor. I ended up with a fractured wrist. After 20 days I was released to a new more structured group home.
I sat on the bed in yet another clump of plaster.
Broken and alone.
