More Coffee.

Chapter 5: Questions

We sat there on the old yellow couch, me stroking the leather and breathing in the memories and Al watching me with a sad smile. "Are you going to be alright?" Al whispered as he slowly inched towards me. I flinched as I was soon able to feel his breath on my neck. I wanted nothing more than to jump away, to just leave this cage. If had the capability to claw my way through the walls and out of this snow I would but it was obvious that I was trapped here only to suffocate under my emotions or slowly starve to death. Even if my death was inevitable I was desperate to stay away from Al. I stayed pressed against the arm of the couch, trying to maximize my distance from Al. His face was slacken as he saw my rigid posture. I felt caged in by everything, it was obviously not his fault and yet I felt the need to blame him. At last he came to recognize my fear and leaned away from me, back into his original sitting position. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Al asked carefully, each word was said as not to provoke me in my unsettling emotions and yet they did that very thing.

"I just," I took in a long breath, I didn't expect my voice to be dry and scratchy as I spoke, I tried to clear my throat but with no prevail. I had no choice but to continue before Al would fly off the handle, "I think I just need to be alone." I whispered hoarsely. Al looked hurt, it was strange for him to act this way. Our messy relationship was filled with hatred, not an objective of friendship but to tear each other apart. He was uncomfortable in this situation, obviously he had never spent a long time with a girl, but he stood anyways abiding to my unspoken command. He got to his feet and shuffled away, each step sounded hollow and his voice void of emotions as he tried one last time to speak to me.

"Are you sure I can't do anything?" He begged, I was irritated at him at this point. The way a teenager feels when their parents are relentlessly trying to talk to them but it's obvious they want to be alone. At this point my emotions had gone wild and lost all common sense. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't anyone's fault but my fault that I felt this way. Even though he was for once innocent I lashed out at him angrily, my face scrunched up in fury.

"Go, away." I growled each word at him fiercely, a bite invisible to the human eye yet felt by the heart. At last he left me to wallow in my pain and grief over a life long forgotten. Slowly and shakily I pulled my legs to my chest and tucked my head inwards like a turtle hiding in its shell. I felt empty inside, unable to feel anything but self pity. My whimpers were soft, yet emotionless. I didn't realize I was crying until I tasted the salty tears in my mouth and began to feel them gliding down my face like a figure skater gliding across the frozen lake. A few tears would cling to my jaw until finally falling free and staining my light blue jeans. Minute by minute my tears quickened and my chest heaved, slowly my whimpers became louder and filled with a sound of pain. The cry of grief every know animal on earth will make when approaching its long forgotten love. My anger and sorrow escalated until I was screaming to the point where even my brain thumped against my skull. I felt my heart beat against my ribs threatening to break through and spill my emotions for the world to see. My head throbbed from my screaming but I was relentless as my pain poured out of my heart and out my mouth. Even though my vision was blurred by my tears and my body shook with every breath, I could feel Al's stare on the back of my head. I couldn't see his face but I could tell it was filled with pity. Anger burned inside me, the only emotion I felt except sorrow. I hated him for pitying me and I hated myself for crying I'm front of others. For the first time in 7 years I broke my vow never to cry in front of anyone and I felt as if I had betrayed myself. I wanted to stop crying, to be strong again, but my body betrayed me as each tear fell down my cheek and the scars of my past reopened. As I relived scene by scene filled fear and agony, but all I could think back to was the photograph until at last I was sure my eyes were red and puffy, and my body was unable to cry anymore. My cries finally slowed from a shrill ear piercing call, to nothing at all but shallow breathes. At last I lay still holding my legs close to my chest as I ran my thumb over the couch lovingly. I stayed in fetal position until finally Al came to my side. Each foot carefully placed, for once in our violent relationship he was afraid of me. He stood behind the couch watching me, we starred each other down as I watched him in the corner of the slits of my eyes. His hand hovered hesitantly over my body, afraid of of what I might do if he touched me, but he laid his hand on my shoulder and shook it gently as if he was walking me from a nightmare. Yet I was not in a nightmare, but trapped in the painful world of reality, the cruelest piece of the world.