DIGGING MYSELF IN THE GRAVE

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Most of the time I lay there at night thinking, thinking about everything. I have to be worrying it's my addiction. The addiction that I wish that I can separate myself from. No, I have to sit there and think. I worry if the boy I liked noticed that I put effort in my hair that day. Worry about the late night yelling between my parents. Worrying that I will never be good enough for anyone. I worry about love and how deceivingly beautiful it is. I worry about people worrying for me. No one should care for me because I worry on my own. I won't let you come along and drag you into my messy addiction of anxiety. Please don't realize that I have a dark hole in my chest that refuses to leave. That when I smile or laugh it fades away and the pain devours it in whole. Why must my feelings do this to me? Why must I do this to me? So I lay there at night thinking, thinking about everything. Then I grow angry at myself. I remember who I am. I'm stuck between who I should be, who I want to be, who I am. Fury radiates through me and I can't be this person. I'm tired of being the soft sadness lump I am. I want to go out and have these amazing memories and adventures so that they can linger in memory other than these terrible thoughts. I want new memories, good memories. Memories that I won't have to cringe about every time I think of it. That's it I am tired of being myself. I need to become someone new and let go of these hostile thoughts.

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