Ever get that feeling of loneliness? Or the feeling of complete self loathing? All I ever feel is loneliness and self hatred anymore. But what can you do? Get help? Talk about it? No... You have to live with it till the day it eats you whole. I want to cry to ease the pain I feel deep in my chest but all I get is one tear and a massive headache. Why won't my body let me cry? Does it want me to feel every ounce of pain? I want to get a job... Maybe it will distract me from these negative feelings.
I will tell you the reason for me always sharing how I feel on here. I feel as if, if people would read these they could relate in some way. Or know of others who go through the same things I do. It's nothing major but it definitely leaves a mark. A painful mark. This mark that won't heal or can be covered.
I feel as though if I were to really listen and act upon what my demons whisper... My life would be a living hell for everyone else in my life. I don't want to put them through that. Well again. At one point in my life I had a really strong urge to kill myself and I still get that urge every once in a while. So I took it upon myself to try. Whenever I was a lone I would try over dosing or cutting anywhere I thought would be good. I even wanted to try and hang myself and suffocate myself. When that didn't work... I decided to run away. I ran away twice and the second time I was taken to the hospital. I was told that if I ran away again I would be taken from my family... I thought, 'Finally...' But I just cried on the hospital bed. The next day I was taken to Linkin Prairie.. It's a hospital to help kids with problems... I stayed there for almost a week. It didn't help at all but I told them I was fine. Now I get nightmares rarely about that place... And I try to calm down my urges. But I was afraid... I still am. But when I have that urge I forget to be scared. I feel determined. I know what it would do to the people I know and care deeply about but to be quite honest with you I could care less... The only time I would care is when I'm having a great time with them and I think to myself, 'Is it really worth losing this?'... I mess up... A LOT. And my mood flips its shit a lot. It always tends to go out of whack when I'm with my friend... I won't say her name... It makes me soooo mad that I take it out on her. I get so frustrated with myself. She says it's fine when I apologize but it's not! She deals with enough crap... I hate adding to it. I hate that I'm practically a time bomb waiting for my time to run out before I hurt myself and whatever/whoever is around me. I'm scared. Not for me. For them. Do I really deserve to even call the ones I love and care about friends and family? I'm a bisexual teenage girl who has an unrequited love and hates herself for having such bad thoughts. I don't care if people judge me for my sexuality anymore... What's the point? Their opinion doesn't have anything to do with me.
I have a best friend who I grew up with since we were a little old enough to walk. I love her like a sister and I trust her with my life. We do everything together.. Well when we are together. She knows everything about me. I don't know if there is anything that I haven't told her...
Is it bad to want to leave this life and start a different one? Will I be lucky enough? Or will I be condemned to hell for who I really am? God won't love me... How can he? He hates sin and I am sin. Would he really want someone like me up in heaven with him? Does even Satan himself want me? I'm sorry I sound like such a downer and a pitiful person but wouldn't you think this way too if you were me? I know people have it A LOT worse than me and I'm not saying I'm worse or better. I wish I could help them but how can I when I can't even do anything about myself?
I don't want to bring trouble for my family anymore so I hold back on telling them how I feel. But I doubt it works. Mom can tell when I'm down and my dad he is just weird but loves me. My grandma loves and cares for me too... My sister? Well... She goes through so much already. Why would I want to bother her with my problems? Yeah I know.. She's my sister so I should be able to tell her anything but it's not as easy as that. I don't want to be a burden.
...I should stop ranting now... I'm sorry to waist your time with this but it made me feel better :) for those people who understand know you aren't alone and there are people who will listen and be there for you. You just have to find them. For those who don't understand, try to be there for the ones who do. Listen. That maybe the only thing they need. Is for someone to listen to them and please please PLEASE don't try to force them to do anything that they aren't ready to do! It could just make them more broken. You have to be patient with them. So please be that person to help.
Okay again! Sorry for the rant.
