The Hole

Chapter 1

The Dark Place

When you enter that dark place in your mind it seems almost impossible to get out. It feels like being swallowed by a pit of dark muck. As it pulls you down, it sucks out your breath from your lungs. It's impossible to breath normally. You start to feel weak and you just want to fall to the ground and never get up.
At this moment nothing exists. It's just you in this world. All alone and no one can save you. You still hold onto hope though. You hope someone can save you but deep down you know nobody can.
This is what depression feels like.
You're surrounded by all these wonderful people but you can't appreciate them. You know they would give their life for you but it doesn't matter. All you can think of is that you're useless and eventually they will give up on you. Just like everyone else did.
People question why you are this way. They don't understand what is going on with you. All you know is that you're alone. They won't understand because they never went through what you have. They start to compare you to themselves and you start to look like a self centered person. It makes you hate yourself more than you already do.
But you can't help it and you start to retrieve. You want you escape from it all but you can't.
You want to be just like the others. Like a normy. But you can't be one. You can't worry about your makeup being smudged or your phone breaking. You can't get excited for the next model of an iPhone or Samsung. When you go on trips you're the party pooper and not the life of the party. You try to be better but something always holds you back.
Your mind reminds you that you're not suppose to feel this way. You have to worry about when you're going to lose the person that made you a promise that would never leave you. It makes you sad that those kinds of promises are broken. Then you start to remember all those broken promises made to you. All those people that made you believe you can be loved for who you are. Then they see how messed up you really are and they run at the sight. They don't want to put up with it and they give up on you. As a result you are helpless.
You go back into the dark place. It's the only place you know where to go and it welcomes you. You're surrounded by all these negative comments. You put yourself down and call yourself stupid and an idiot. People will just leave you so why are you looking for friends? You don't deserve them. You're a selfish brat that deserves nothing.
Your phone buzzes and its one of your friends. They say hey. The first thing in your mind is why are they texting me? Do they want something from me? You think in your head they only want me to do something for them. You're just an object.
In reality your friend is just checking up on you. Trying to talk with you but you think something different. You just wait until they ask you for something but it never comes. Yet you still wait even after you say goodnight to each other.
Your dark place is always there waiting for you. It turns into your best friend. It never leaves you and it never wants anything from you. You stay up with it at night and have conversations. You guys talk to each other 24/7. It is always correcting you. It keeps you from opening up to others. It reminds you that you'll just be left and dumped just like the last time. It's better if you don't get close.
No one understands how it works. It just does. They will never know what is going on with you. They will never figure you out. They can't save you. No body can.