"But his heart was in a constant, turbulent riot. The most grotesque and fantastic conceits haunted him in his bed at night. A universe of ineffable gaudiness spun itself out in his brain while the clock ticked... a satisfactory hint of the unreality of reality, a promise that the rock of the world was founded securely on a fairy's wing." - F. Scott Fitzgerald (adapted)
Chapter 1:
Perhaps the idea that life can be perfect is one which is best saved for fairy tales; in reality, while life always seems so secure when looked at from outside in, it's those inner most feelings that hold each of us back. Often I wonder at how life could be different, at how each decision we have ever made helped shape us into the people we are today. This is an idea which has always bothered me, and now approaching 35 years old, the reality of these decisions has begun to set in.
Life had appeared, to me, full of promise, of hope and of dreams and destinations waiting to be discovered. My two young children were always there for me and I for them, especially after their father left us just over two years ago. Now I had all I could ever ask for; a loving family, a job and a roof over my head, I had everything I had ever wanted and with this came an intensive joy towards life. My mother had always told me that if I grew up to be anything that I should be happy, that's what I was. I was happy. I understand that it meant a lot more than that; it was the foundation and the cornerstone of life, without happiness what else do we have? But then all of that has changed with one fatal discovery.
Opportunities, it is said, come once in a lifetime with moments being lost while we are too busy to even bask in the ordained glory which they have given us. I look back now upon my own life and the moments I wish to live over and over again and see how I failed to capture them before; the summer of 1995, the birth of Penny and Tom, my marriage to Steve and that night he left us. How could he go? How could he leave his children, his wife and his life behind? He too had gone and left me now, just like all of the other goodness in life, deserting me like a never ending curse. A curse which has ridiculed my family for generations before me, has now fallen onto me too.
I have always worked and strived to be the best I could be and prided myself on the fact that I have always sought to do right by my children. It is this drive that has seen me rightfully labelled 'ambitious beyond possibility' and my irreplaceable optimism which compels people to my form. All of these apparent positive attributes now appear as a figment of my imagination, lost forever under the looming clouds of despair.
When I think back to my youth and the promises of eternal happiness I grow warm at the thought that somewhere he is smiling down, watching over me, proud of what I have become along with my children. Growing up in a council flat with an alcoholic father and a neglectful mother was always going to be tough and it is perhaps this constant battle and heartache which has given me the desire to do right by my children as a way of correcting the wrongs which have been done to me. It is this passion which has lead me into my career as a social worker, seeing the roughed up faces of unloved children, reminded me of my own. I had a sense of duty, of love and of understanding to help them through the struggles which I had faced alone. I still face alone. The joy which each mended smile has given me is unaccountable; it means more to me than the moon to the stars and lights my heart like no other.
My happiness in life was ever growing as I watched both Penny and Tom go from strength to strength, crawling, walking and now even talking, I was proud of them above anything else. Now aged five and starting school, it appeared that they were ones doing the parenting, not me. They were constantly teaching me new and unknown aspects of myself as I learnt to grow with them, in love and understanding. I had come to realise what it meant to be a parent and, although alone, I was prepared to make each and every day special for them. After all we never know when circumstances could change and life come to an end.
Editors note: Thanks for reading the opening of my first ever chapter, let me know if you liked it including some tips on how to improve it. I will keep updating the novel as I write it so be patient!
