the hell that is a spider

Iwaizumi was not happy when he woke up at three AM because of Oikawa's screaming.

He was scared shitless, thinking that someone was trying to murder him, so he grabbed the nearest object that may be able to be used defensively — Axe deoderant — and made his way over to where the sound was coming from, the bathroom.

But Oikawa wasn't surrounded by blood and a sadistic 40 year old man like he expected. No, Oikawa was standing on the fucking toilet seat, screaming at something on the floor.

Iwaizumi, still kind of drowsy from just waking up, walked over to Oikawa and flicked him on the forehead.

"You woke me up, you idi-"

"IWAIZUMI OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S GOING TO CRAWL ON YOUR FOOT FUCK FUCK FUCK KILL IT PLEASE KILL IT FUCK!" Iwaizumi covered his ears at the screeching, and looked down.

There was a spider. It was black and not very large, but kind of fat, and it was not even an inch away from Iwaizumi's foot.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE TOILET SEAT OIKAWA!" He shouted, desperately jumping up and trying to fit next to him.

"IWAIZUMI WATCH OUT I'M GOING TO FALL I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU MAKE ME FALL I WILL KILL YOU," Oikawa screamed, leaning against the shower wall beside him.

"THEN MOVE THE FUCK OVER OH MY FUCKING GOD — IT'S CRAWLING OVER HERE OIKAWA KILL IT!"

"IF I COULD I WOULD HAVE ALREADY YOU FUCKTARD, SPRAY DEODERANT ON IT OR SOMETHING!"

Iwaizumi remembered the deoderant, and aimed at the spider. It stopped for a moment, but happily crawled on towards the base of the toilet, making Oikawa scream.

"SHUT IT!" Iwaizumi shouted. "Okay, once it reaches the base, we jump on my count, and we go get Matsukawa from next door to kill it for us. Got it?"

"Yes yes yes oh my god it's SO CLOSE!" Oikawa's voice was high-pitched and he was in an absolute state of panic. Iwaizumi would've laughed if he wasn't standing on a toilet seat with him.

"Okay it's here, one, two, three, JUMP!" Iwaizumi jumped off quickly, trying to sprint out of the bathroom, but Oikawa was still holding on to him, causing him to be pulled and to fall backwards, his head directly next to the spider.

"FUCK!" He shouted, screams of terror following. "OIKAWA YOU ABSOLUTE PIECE OF SHIT I WILL MURDER YOU!" Oikawa quickly pulled his boyfriend up, and they bolted out of the bathroom desperately.

Once they reached Matsukawa and Hanamaki's door, they began banging on it, screaming and shouting for help. After three long minutes, a very sleepy Matsukawa opened the door.

"If you guys are that desperate for a foursome, now is no-"

"MATSUKAWA OH THANK GOD THERE'S A SPIDER IN OUR BATHROOM AND IWAIZUMI'S TOO SCARED TO KILL IT-"

"SO ARE YOU YOU SHIT!"

"PLEASE COME KILL IT PLEASE BEFORE IT EATS US!"

"So that screaming and banging wasn't sex?" Matsukawa asked with a yawn.

"NO YOU SON OF A BI—JUST GET YOUR ASS OVER TO OUR BATHROOM RIGHT NOW PLEASE. I BEG OF YOU."

"Fine, fine," Matsukawa groaned. "Iwaizumi, put pants on next time. Oikawa, grow up, get adult pajamas." Iwaizumi went bright red as he realized he was standing in the apartment complex's hallway wearing nothing but briefs and socks. Oikawa scoffed, offended that Matsukawa had insulted his alien pajamas.

Matsukawa walked to the boys' bathroom, them following him at a safe distance.

"Now, where was it?" Matsukawa asked.

"The toilet," Oikawa said shakily, holding on to Iwaizumi's arm for dear life. Their saviour took a piece of toilet roll as he spotted the spider on the seat. With one swift motion, he brushed it into the toilet and flushed.

"There. Done. Now go to sleep, so I can as well," he grumbled. Oikawa fell to his knees, thanking him over and over again as he walked back to his apartment.

"Never am I using that bathroom again," Iwaizumi muttered.

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a/n

a little iwaoi comedy since most of the iwaoi fics are smut or angst i cri

i had so much fun writing this you don't even know