Numb

Maybe I Need a Chapter Title

"Idiot."
"Worthless."
"Gross."
"Fat."
"Stupid."
"Ugly."

"Fag."

The whispers followed Dan around school. At first, he had flinched every time he heard one, but now he couldn't bring himself to care. He used to hurry between classes so he wouldn't get bullied, but now he just drifted. He used to do a lot of things, but now he just didn't.

"Hey, fag." Hey, look. A wild bully has appeared.

Dan just continued drifting.

"I said," slam, "Hey. Fag."

Dan's shoulder hurt, pressed against the sharp slats of the scarlet lockers lining the hall. He had never noticed it before, or maybe he had, but they were the perfect shade to disguise any blood that happened to splatter across them.

He turned his head to look disinterestedly at David.

A fist exploded into being in Dan's gut.
He barely felt it.

A foot crashed into his shin.
He barely felt it.

Nails dug into his sleeve, drawing blood even beneath the cloth.
He barely felt it.

"What're you looking at, fag?"

Spittle landed on Dan's cheek, but he didn't even blink.

His mouth moved before his brain.

"I'm not sure. It seems to be some form of a semi-intelligent hairless ape."

A supernova behind Dan's eyes signaled brain trauma. He really should learn to think before he speaks.

"Listen here, you little fag. Nobody likes you, you're not funny, so why..." I'm not exactly little at six foot three, but I never did figure out how they knew I was gay. Well, half gay. Bi. But nobody really cares, nobody even tries to differentiate. Either you're normal, straight, or you're an abomination, gay. No in between, no blurred lines. Why is everything so black and white? Whatever happened to grey? "...fag, I'm talking to you. You should really just go kill yourself. Nobody wants you here anyways."

"Ok."

The astonishment caused by that one simple word was priceless. Or, it would've been, if Dan had been able to care.

Dan could see David's entire plan vanish from his brain, leaving only cobwebs and a need for social acceptance.

"Wha-what do you mean, ok?"

Dan shrugged.

"You're right. There really isn't a point in staying here. I might just go kill myself after school. Or, I might not. I'm not sure. Maybe I'll kill myself tomorrow. Maybe I'll die of natural causes when I'm eighty. I don't really know."

As Dan went on, David's grip loosened further and further until he was only just touching Dan's shirt collar. When Dan finished, David's grip loosened completely, and dropped to hang by his side.

"Well- well, good."

He paused, trying to think of something else to say.

"Yeah."

He walked away quickly, hands in pockets and backpack bouncing between his shoulder blades.

Dan stooped to pick up his own forgotten backpack. When had that fallen to the ground? He didn't really know. It seemed like that was all he knew lately.
That he didn't know anything.

~

Dan spent the rest of the day in a daze, much like the day before, and the day before that, and the week before that, and the month before that, and the year before that, and the life before that. He couldn't remember the last time he hadn't been in a daze, but that was probably because he was in a daze.

As he got on the bus to go to his house, he found himself thinking. It still happened occasionally, thinking. Normally, it was late at night, or in the shower, or right before a test. It always happened without warning, but that was the only thing the episodes had in common. They could be about a variety of topics, ranging from time, and the inevitability of death, to the meaning of happiness, and how eyes worked. This time, it was about routine.

Will my life ever change? Like, obviously once I get out of high school and if I get a job my life will change, and I'll hopefully have different people in my life, but will it really change? Will I be in the same position throughout my whole life? Will I be in the same toxic environment my whole life? Will I be in the same spiraling mindset my whole life? What even is my whole life? How long will I last? How will I die? Will it be an accident? Will it be planned? Do I want to know? Do I actually want to know?

At some point during his internal monologue, he had gotten off of the bus, done his homework, and was now lying on his bed staring at his ceiling. In an effort to tear his mind from the abyss it had starting signing into, he tried to make constellations out of the cracks, the bumps, the flaws he could make out in the dim light.

Connect that hairline crack to that random stain (what was it even from?) to that irregular bump add a few random swirls and voila, an eye. Over there, he made himself a llama. Next to it, a... lion? Sure, why not.

In that haze of almost-sleep, when you aren't even sure if you'll remember the conversations you have with yourself in the morning, when you have no filter in your thoughts, Dan couldn't help but wonder if the constellations he could find in his ceiling, beautiful patterns made from the flaws above, was just a metaphor for people and their flaws. What beautiful things could be made out of other people's flaws? What beautiful things could be made out of his? Would anybody....

And Dan slipped into slumber, lulled under by the unusually beautiful thoughts his brain generated. He almost wanted to wake up again.

Almost.

~

HELOHA MEESES
Look a new story.
955 words. Is that a lot? A little? Idk but I'm kinda proud so yeah. And my note makes it 1k including everything after this. :P
Anyone of my zero readers wanna make me a cover?
No?
Ok.
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Edit: why wattpad no let me publish ;-;
Also now 1011 words >:)
Edit #2: whoops I forgot a title for the chapter
Also now 1025 words (/°-°)/
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ALOHA