My Current Life

Entry 1

2/24/16

Hi. If you don't know, my name is Hannah. I'm a Sophomore in high school and I'm madly in love with a boy (let's call him X)who doesn't know I exist. I've told my parents about it but they only say "He'll come around. He probably thinks you're really pretty and just doesn't want to tell you." But I know for a fact that isn't true. He has a girlfriend.

We have a lot in common. We're both nerds. Really big nerds. But I know I can't have him because he doesn't like me. His girlfriend is just anything a guy could ask for any way. She's nice, pretty, smart, fun, and she has confidence. I, unfortunately, lack all of those. Especially confidence. I'm not much to look at, I need medicine to help me pay attention in class, I'm really loud and annoying, and I'm also really shy.

This all my seem like the beginning of a cliché love story, but I know mine won't have a happy ending. It never does. I've never had a boyfriend and the only time a guy ever showed interest in me was because he thought my sister was hot. Emily, my sister, is attractive but I can't blame her for it. I just got the shit end of the stick. She got the beauty and I got... The chubby baby face. And the fat.

Everyone always say that I'm not fat but that's all I see. But I love food too much to go on a diet. I want to get the fat off but no matter what I try it won't go away. It just stays, dragging my self confidence down even more.

I've tried to talk to X a few times but my throat closes up and my face gets red. The only time he ever talked to me was at a choir concert. He said he liked my Attack On Titan jacket. I knew my face was probably an apple at that point and all I said was "Thank you." He smiled at me and I just wish I could make him smile like that all the time, even if it is just a friendly one.

I don't know what to do anymore.