Am I worth it .? No

Dollar

Hmm? Where do? Where do I begging? Life it's such a short but strong word. Life has its ups and downs I promise you that. But I'm going to tell you about my life and my ups and downs. I'm going to begin my story starting in kindergarten  and yes that's a long time ago, but before I start let me tell you about me first. I'm a 5'5 mixed sophomore girl with acne got a tummy green eyes curly hair. Ya I guess I sound pretty but when I was young I lived in the suburbs I lived with my dad, my parents separated when I was about 4 or 5. But I went to a mostly white school and I didn't fit in I was lonely, ya I had friends but they talked about me behind my back all the time and I knew but I ignored it because I wanted friends. I remember going home ever day crying because I missed my mommy I didn't really know her as well as I wish I did because I thought she was this lady that just didn't want me. From kindergarten till the middle of 8th grade I was bullied called names "black bitch" "nigger" "whore" "unwanted". I never knew how mean kids can be, it hurt so much I wanted to leave I wanted to die.... But I was scared so I started cutting and punching things. Nobody knew how much I was hurt because I came to school happy everyday but I really wanted to die. I didn't have my mommy or anyone really there then I started seeing my mom more and found out the reason I never seen her is because she had breast cancer. She did get through it though and I was happy everything seemed like it was getting better. Until around the middle of 6th grade I had a crush on a boy named Dylan he was in 7th grade he was short, had curly brown hair, green eyes, Italian, really cute. I never thought he would like me though but one day he asked me out I was so happy and confused but my first boyfriend, the boy I liked... Seemed to good to be true and that's exactly what it was too good to be true. A few weeks later I found out he was only going out with me because he was dared to for 5 dollars. I remember I asked him on the bus "are you with me for 5 dollars am I just a dare" and Dylan said " I'm surprised they thought u where worth 5 dollars I said I'll do it for 1 dollar." Everyone started laughing at me and I started crying and I went home. I remember that was my first night cutting. I remember seeing the blood dripping down my sheets that night I have never felt so worthless. I was so close to killing myself and then I seen a video of Jc Caylen on Facebook and started watching him i started laughing and he got me happy and every since that night. I feel I love with Jc, he felt Limey he only one there for me at this point. But after that day I didn't talk to anybody I started to myself alone hoodies everyday so nobody can see my arms and the damage I did to myself. Then the middle of 8th grade game I still stayed to myself but I opened up a little. I got a little crush on this boy named D.j. He was a short blue eyed polish boy who had braces and played baseball. He was obviously so good for me. So I didn't try but I told my friend that I had a crush on him then she told him. D.j. Then told his teacher Mr.Briner and he made a song about me. Ya a teacher made a song about a student, you think that's bad? Well u should hear this. It's went like this "D.j lover D.j lover how could you like a baseball player if your a little wimpy baby". Ya not a good choice of words, don't rime either. But I remember walked through the the halls and hearing that in my ears with other kids banging on the lockers making a beat. I couldn't take it anymore I went to the principal and I told and he got fired. Everyone really hated me then because I guess he was everyone's favorite teacher. A few weeks after that I went to my moms house and that weekend I told her I didn't want to go I couldn't take it I wanted to stay and that's exactly what happen I stayed. That's night i was suppose to go home my mom told my dad I wasn't leaving I was staying and moving with her. My dad tried to get me but we went to her boyfriends that night. But then we went back home then next day. Our apartment was beautiful you walk on the balcony we had a huge pear tree you seen the whole sky line had my own bedroom everything was perfect. I didn't have to see the horrible races mean kids anymore. I was out of school for about 2 months then my mom found a school about 3 blocks away and soon enough T my first day of school came. I was so scared knew town new people so many things where going through my head it was my first time where uniform I was so scared but excited. I walked in and right away people started saying hi and I made friends so quick. This is where I met my bestfriend in the whole world my sister Margaret.  I was so happy there. Then a few months into school people where telling me "Erick likes you oooo he was to be your boyfriends". I was kinda happy cause he was cute. Then next thing you know I end up sitting next to him in my history class. Then me and him started going out. I was happy I had a boyfriend new school new friends was with my mommy everything was perfect. Next thing you know it come crumbling down he broke up with me for know reason but I didn't really care because the situation with Dylan ruined my feelings. But then summer came I had all my grinds hung out everyday everything was amazing and Jc Caylen was still by my side when every I got sad. Then through the summer I got close to my friend Natalie she was in 7th grade when I was in 8th and I started hanging out with her and her family everyday I was apart of her family. She had a cousin his name was David he was in my 8th grade class with me but we didn't talk that much but we where friends. One day I was sleeping over at her house and she was a box living room one wall had a t.v. The two walls next to the tv had couches and the wall across from the t.v. had a couch too. Natalie and Bianca where laying on the side couches me and David where laying on opposite sides of the across couch. Then me and David slowly started holding hands I remember trying so hard not to laugh and when ever a funny part in the movie came I laughed like I was crazy. I was happy felt goofy silly. The next day I asked him if he liked me he said ya and I said me too. Ever since that day we all hung out and it was going great and me and him didn't want to tell friends or his family but I had a big mouth so his whole family knew but his friends didn't. Then 2 weeks into my freshman year of highschool I was at his grandmas house for the weekend and he broke up with me for then new girl and I was really hurt because his whole family loved me so highschool was starting off dumb with boys. I didn't care about boys after David. So I focused on volleyball and friends and work and I had a small crush on this boy named Joel but I kept it to myself because I didn't want anything to happen or for me to get embarrassed. Then my dad started to asking to see me I was scared to go to his house because I didn't want him to take me back. I loved it at my moms and then I started going and I seen my 3 little brothers and we where acting crazy and I never missed someone so much. I remember seeing them everyday and now I almost never see them, and it's hard.

Ok now I feel like this was a mistake. I remember going to open gym after school. Now the reason I went is because my friend Ivan told me to go, so when I went I met a boy named Allan. Me and Allan go so close and started talking for about 10 months but the crazy part is when we started going out we broke up a week later and then we stopped talking, and that right there just shows how things just aren't meant to happen. Ok now remember how I brought up my friend Ivan well me and Ivan go so close bestfriends, brother and sister spent everyday together. I didn't see him more than a brother though but everyone was telling me how he wanted to be with me and how he loved me. And I rember promising myself I didn't want to go out with him because I didn't want  to ruin our friendship. But what happen I ended up going out with him April 20th 2015. This boy met my mom my family my grandma when summer came he slept over at my house met my whole family I was so happy my brothers absolutely loved him. It was amazing, and him where on and off a couple times sadly but we started together for about 8 moths. Then our sophomore year came and the freshman can in.  When school started me and him were not together but we still talked and where trying to figure everything out and we wanted to get back together. But then Ivan started to have a bestfriend named Sierra. Now I had no problem with that until I seen them telling each other they loved eachother I snapped and then me and him stopped talking completely. Sure enough they started going out and I knew they would and that's why I just didn't talk to anyone anymore I stayed to myself. But then one day it was 7th period and I was walking to the bathroom and I stopped in one of my teachers class and she told me to get security and I looked and I didn't see security but then Joel and his friend came walking up. Now remember earlier when I said I had a crush on Joel the senior yup here's my chance I thought to myself. So Joel walked up and I was like do you know where security is and he said in security and me and him both started laughing then he walked up and I hugged him so he walked in the class and when he walked out I asked hung or his Facebook and then when I went back to my class it was about to end so I texted him "hey" and he said "hi" then we started texting on snapchat. Then after that he started walking me to every class and then he hung during our lunches. Now for all the girls out there have you ever sat with your friends and talked about the perfect boyfriend or guy well I have and I remember talking to my sister Margaret and talking about the perfect guy and Joel was the perfect guy he was cute nice funny silly Mexican tall smart had a car had a job he was older he was romantic sweet he was perfect. So me and him started talking a lot we stayed at after school together and we did everything together. I have truly never been so happy with a boy before he made me feel like this only girl in the world. He made all the pain go away we started going out a month and a half after us talking. I still remember him driving me home and us acting goofy and dancing in the car and us getting wing stop. Everyone never seen me so happy with anymore before. Then 3 weeks into us dating I was sleeping over at my bestfriend karlas house and Friday morning Joel sent me a long paragraph and that night he said he missed me on the phone and everything. Saturday morning came and I sent him a paragraph and then he broke up with me over text. My whole world dropped he told me he wanted to be single and family stuff was going on he just needed time, he made it seem like we where going to get back together. Then Sunday I looked and I seen that he was back with his ex girlfriend I cried and cried I cried myself to sleep couldn't eat didn't want to talk. The situation with Dylan doesn't even compare to this I wanted to shrivel up in a corner and die when he broke up with me because I fell so hard for him I truly miss him and now this is the present. After what he did to me I promised myself I will not and could not talk to anymore boys during highschool I'm done I can't be hurt anymore. After what Joel did  I can't look at boys anymore with out thinking about him . I miss him more than anything and I actually cut again because of him. I didn't think it would happen again but it did I feel so lost and alone with out him. The craziest part is that I would still go back with him if he came back even though I know I will get hurt again . But I love him I really do. Every song I listen to reminds me of him. Here's a tip for every girl out there don't ever ever fall to hard because I did and I really wish I didn't because he ruined love for me completely and I don't want that to happen to anyone else. It sucks having to seem him everyday and see this hickeys on his neck and knowing he's happy but I'm here falling apart cutting punching walls just breaking down while there building eachother up. I really can't love anymore after this because I've tried so many times and I'm don't getting get I absolutely don't care anymore. And that's just the way it has to be because I know he's not coming back. It hard because I want t let go but I just can't he was perfect he was everything I never wanted and he's gone. I'm not good enough For anything or anyone and I'm not ok with that but I have to live with it I mean it's been like this since kindergarten I'm use to it.
I am only worth 1 dollar right...