The next day, Sam had to leave. And i was so confused. I feel like i'm starting to get feelings for him. And that is when my guard shot up. But as soon as he left there was an aching in my chest. Everytime he didn't answer me, i thought he was with some other girl, someone who was prettier, and he didn't have to get attached too. I was scared.
I did all i could to keep my mind off of it. But then driver's ed started on monday. And i realized, i had no one to hang out with after class anymore. That i would have to figure it out, and somehow that was the worst part of all. I missed him so much, he had been gone two days, and i was in a way lost without him.
He was kind of oblivious to the fact of how confused i was with everything he was saying to me. Every action contradicted something he had said to my face. And i didn't know how to deal with this. In my earlier relationships, i hadn't had this earlier wondering. This not knowing, and being lost, feeling unwanted almost. I thought it probably wasn't true. Any of my thoughts, but they are always there.
And that is a big part of my guard that goes up. The unknown scared me, and i didn't want to be scared. More importantly, i didn't want to get hurt. On top of all of this people were getting involved.
Around every corner there was someone asking me if we were dating, if ha had finally asked me out. which of course he hadn't, or i didn't think so. I don't know whther we were together, or if he was just leading me on. Which some people seemed to think he was doing.
"He's playing you"
"He likes it when girls like him. It's like food to him"
"He really really likes you, i promise"
"He is going to ask you out he told me"
These were things i heard that whole week. Finally on Wednesday, he called. And he said that he had hoped that hearing my voice would help him miss me less. But i didn't know if i could believe him. I didn't know if i should beleive anything he said. I don't want to fall for a player again. I want him to be genuine. I think that i liked him. But i wasn't positive, and i didn't want to act if i wasn't positive.
I was so sick of missing him. And i missed him alot. But i was scared that he was going to come back, and act like nothing has happened between us. That he would still have this whole idea that nobody could know, and i was some sort of secret; and i didn't want to be his secret. I wanted to be his, to show off in public and the girl he loves, but i was not about to be his secret "girlfriend" and if that was what he thought was going to happen. He was very wrong.
The last day he was gone. He barely texted me at all. The only time he texted me was at 12:30 at night. I made up excuses for him all day, telling myself he was busy. He was packing, he was working, he was building. But deep down inside there was only one thing i was really afraid of.
Another girl.
