I Love You More Than I Hate Myself

Death that sounds good enough.

Hi guys so this is my first every fic so I'm really sorry if it's crappy but if you actually read this shit then thanks, well enjoy.<3

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I really can't take this anymore. I'm ashamed of who I am, what I look like, just me in general. I don't understand why I was put inside this body , I'm not a girl! I'd rather be dead than carry on living inside this piece of shit that's called a female body. I don't care if I sound dramatic or attention seeking , it's the truth and there's no doubting that. I want to be dead , not to kill myself just dead. To be honest I don't give a shit how I die so long as it's soon.

I've tried to kill myself numerous times but I remember my mother and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Does that mean I'm pathetic or I actually care about people more than myself. Probably pathetic since it is me I'm talking about.

It's not as though I don't have a good life, I do. Of course I live with my mother , who loves me and treats me like I'm her son not her 'daughter'. Then there's also my friends at school who actually listen to me and enjoy my company , which I don't really understand but I'm not complaining I guess. But then there's also the fact that they don't know I'm trans and really sometimes I forget myself I'm trans so does telling them really matter anyway? I don't think so.

I only have a small amount of friends but it about quality not quantity so I don't really care how many friends I have so long as they are good friends. Their names are Justin, Danny and Damon. Also believe it or not they're triplets. It's kinda strange thinking about them being triplets though because when I used to live here I had three friends who were triplets but they were girls so it can't be them because they're all boys. Logic.

Sometimes I think that my mother and my friends are the only thing keeping me away from death, which I guess is kinda true but then I also have music. Whenever I listen to music it feels like a whole different universe and all my thoughts go out of my head and start coming back to me as somebody else singing the lyrics of a song and honestly I feel like every song I listen to was wrote directly to or for me. I guess you could say music is my escape from the whole world and its reality.

Writing music also helps me a lot, it helps me to release everything that's been building up inside of me without having to speak to anyone because I'm a social retard. I also don't like to share my personal thoughts with people because they're in my head for a reason otherwise I'd just say them out loud.

I've only wrote a couple of songs that are actually okay sounding but they are very special songs to me so I don't give a fuck if they sound shitty I'll probably be dead before anyone listens to them anyway. I wrote a song about Justin, and yes I will admit I have them worlds hugest crush on him because I'm gay as fuck but who cares I just love the way his smile is the happiest thing on the planet and how his eyes sparkle in the daylight. He's just so cute , I hate to admit it but I fucking love him so much.

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Sorry this is only short I just wanted to introduce the story quite dramaticly..I hope you like this,if you did please comment and vote!love uu<3