The Ticking Time Bomb That is my Life

The Dying Girl

My days are numbered...I know that, in fact I knew that as soon as the words "You have cancer" came pouring out of the doctor's mouth. Yet I still can't wrap my my brain around the fact that from now until the end, my life will be as fragile as a ticking time bomb. Even though death is constantly on my mind and the effects of cancer are pretty much all over me, I still have to at least try to go about my life as normally as possible. It's been a month since the doctor told me that what I thought was a common headache was actually a pesky brain tumor eating away at my life...literally. Since then I have been dealing with the effects that cancer has put on me and also the people around me. People at school look at me as if I'm already a walking corpse, and at home my family has been walking on eggshells as if they have no idea what to say to a normal 18 year old girl who also happens to have cancer. It's not like I blame them though, if it were someone else around me who was dying and not me i would act the same way...probably.

These thoughts are wrestling around in my mind as I am getting ready to face what could possibly be the last day of my life.

"Honey! You're going to be late!" My mom calls from the bottom of the steps. I sigh and and give myself one last look in the mirror at my pasty pale skin and tired eyes. When I get to school I can practically feel the looks of sympathy boring into me. "Hannah!" I turn to see my best friend Kyle waving me over to where him and a group of other students are standing. Kyle and I have been best friends for as long as I could remember. He is the only one who has not started acting weird since I found out about my cancer. Besides my family he was the first person I told. After he found out he came over and just let me cry. Before I'm able to wave back a pang of nausea shoots through my stomach and I double over in pain. Soon after my vision starts to blur and it feels like the world around me is spinning. Suddenly someone is beside me "Hannah, are you okay?" The voice is oddly familiar but I am having a hard time pin pointing who it is. The pain is excruciating and I just want to lay down for a few minutes...in fact I think I am lying down. Some where around me there is a blood curdling scream, the sound makes me cringe as my head feels like it may explode. "Hannah, it's ok." There's that voice again. "Someone call 911!" I hear someone shout. A while later I hear another familiar sound that I again can't exactly pin point. Suddenly everything I look at is so bright I am finding it hard to keep my eyes open. The last thing I see is Kyle's tear streaked worried face before I close my eyes and fade into complete darkness.

When I open my eyes I am once again greeted by bright lights and dull white walls; the oh so familiar smell of cleaning products burns my nose. I groan, how the hell did I end up in the hospital again? I turn my head to the big window next to my bed and look out at the sun shining in. Next to my bed are a bunch of balloons and a gigantic bear, courtesy of Kyle I presume. After a moment I realize that I'm not alone. I look over to see my Mom asleep on the chair next to my bed, she looks so sad even while she's sleeping. As I look closer at her I can see the affects my health has taken on her.

"I can feel you staring at me." A smile is playing on her lips

"What happened?" The smile suddenly disappeared

"You blacked out." she says "The doctor ran a bunch of tests." she pauses "The cancer has spread." her voice shakes a little at that last word.

"How much longer?" I ask

"Honey, the doctor is giving you a day or two." She falls silent after that to let me take in what she said.

"Can you at least take me home?" I ask.

"The hospital is releasing you to my care soon." She says I breath a sigh of relief, at least the last place I'll see is my home.

The drive home from the hospital was longer than usual. I sit in silence looking out the window taking in the scenery one last time. We drive past the playground Kyle and I use to play at when we were kids; and the little ice cream shop on the corner where I use to spend most of my time before I got sick. I don't realize I am crying until my Mom puts her hand over mine to sooth me.

When we pull into the driveway Kyle is sitting on the front porch waiting for us; he looks up when he hears the car pull in. He gives me a sad smile as he helps me out of the car. To my amazement he is crying. I can't Remember the last time I saw him cry. "Don't cry" I say, but that only makes the tears fall more rapidly. I hold his hand as we walk. When I walk in the house to my surprise the living room is completely rearranged to make room for a bed similar to the one at the hospital . My Mom walks into the kitchen leaving Kyle and I alone. The sight of the twin bed taking up half the living room suddenly makes me remember how tired I am. I kick my shoes off and slide under my big comforter. As I settle down in my bed, Kyle remains standing awkwardly by the door. "Come here" I say as I pat the spot next to me. He hesitates but walks over anyway and settles down next to me, he looks over at me but says nothing. I want to say something to him but I am just too tired so I sigh and close my eyes.

When I wake up the room is darker indicating that it is night time. Next to me Kyle is sleeping restlessly.

"How are you feeling?" I turn my head to see my Parents sitting on the couch next to me; tears streaming down their face.

"Been Better." I reply we sit there in silence for a few minutes, the only sound is my mother's light sobs; Finally I'm the one to break the silence. "Mom?"

"Yes honey?"

"I don't think I've said this enough but...I love you both so much." Tears are falling one by one down my face.

My Mom gets up and sits on the side of the bed, careful not to wake Kyle. Looking into my eyes she says "You are and always be our greatest achievement." her voice breaks, "We both love you so much sweetheart"

"I'm not ready to say goodbye yet." I say

"I know sweetheart." Is all she says. They both get up and kiss my forehead. "You need to rest now. Your dad and I will be in the kitchen." I watched as they left the room. Next to me I heard Kyle sigh.

"Did you hear all that?" I ask him when I am sure he is awake.

"Yeah" he answered, we both fall silent

"Thank you" I say after a long while

Kyle turned over "For what?"

"Being my best friend." I answered

he smiled weakly at me "You don't have to thank me for that."

"Promise you won't forget me." I whisper after another long pause

I hear Kyle silently crying, "Never" he breaths.

Suddenly I can feel myself start to get tired and this time I know I am running out of time. I reach over and take Kyle's hand "I'll see you soon" I breath, somewhere besides me I hear my Mother crying. "Goodbye" I manage to get out before my mouth becomes too heavy to move. Beside me Kyle wraps me in his arms and cries as I slowly slip into oblivion....