Journal Entry #1

My Own Aspirations

[1-5-16]

Its honestly amusing how someone can get you down. even when they aren't really trying too. All i can say is that this particular thing happens to me A LOT. I am a small blonde girl, 5'1 and about 110 pounds. Not that very scary when you just look at me.  As some as my friends know Ive been debating joining ROTC or Athletics. i play Tennis and sometimes run FYI. I am already in athletics but i am very very self conscious of embarrassing myself in front of others. So I've been to scared to join an actual sport besides tennis. But then again there is ROTC, a military class for high school. i was hoping by joining this class i would get myself a little bit of a confidence booster. Today i told my choir teacher i was joining ROTC and a girl next to me gave me the most disturbing  face. She just looked at me and said "can you even do push ups?" like really? was that necessary? I don't understand why people feel the need to give other people a reason to 2nd guess there own opinions or choices. these things make this whole decision 1000x more difficult for me.

it kinda brings me back to the topic where i was asked to join an early college school. I don't really know what i want yet, but i can say my answer will probably be NO.  just all the negativity my own personal decisions gain is just absurd. I know, i know, i really shouldn't let what people think get me down. That is  what all you people will tell me and the rest of the fucking population. But can you blame me? I'm not the person to really care what others think, but when they bring me down on what i want to do with my future, thats my weak point. make me overthink what i want to do with my life. I'm tough for my age mentally and physically. i don't feel the need to cry when I'm hurt or lose control when something makes me upset. i don't tend to really cry about anything. But there is a point to where i need to cry, and thats what i hate the most. I have a enormous fear of crying around others or telling away my own personal problems. Its just something i feel like i cant do cause it shows my own Weaknesses. That is why i tend to have no emotion when it comes to being around others. i try not to show sadness, anger , ex.

i am honestly the best actor in the world. Back to the main topic of negativity , i don't see the point in all of it. "can you even do a push-up?" "You're soo skinny!"

Thanks, tell me something i don't already know. I already struggle with personal fitness myself. I have tendinitis in both of my knees and im missing tendons in the back of my calves. I have weak joints so i cant flex my arms without pain, i cant make my legs straight when i lay on my back, and my ankles tend to role a lot due to this. I feel like Ive accomplished so much more by pushing myself in an athletic class, but to have someones retarded input on what i want to do with my life is just heartbreaking. Im still trying to work out my decisions for high school due to me being a freshman next year. And i know for a fact whatever i choose to do, they wont be able to top what my aspirations are for life. Its just a matter of time before there is no turning back from what i choose and i have to live with it all.