Lonely Nights

Honestly, I thought it was all a dream. I had everything in life going for me a amazing boyfriend,passing school, nice Co workers. Just everything was falling into place until this happened. The news hit me like a bus wasn't expecting a death anytime soon in my family. But, I learned death ruins everything for a while, it puts everything on hold. It's like having to wait for food, you don't want to wait but you have to. Because, you really can't do anything else, but focus on that death, and try to help others around you. Death can be hard to cope with especially when you feel like there is no body is there to help. Crying I learned is the best solution. Even when you don't want to you need to. It makes u feel so much better.
Crying is a way of letting go of a loved one, when you cry it helps the loved one who is dying, show you care, but it's also a way of learning to deal without that person. Didn't expect myself to cry, I figured I would stay strong, but soon as someone told me, it was like hitting me with a train.
A two hundred and forty ton train hit me, it was like taking my breathe away, I couldn't breathe, all I could think about doing is crying, so I did. For a long time and I didn't stop. I went for a walk to clear my mind, but I couldn't, all I could think about was death. It was like glue, it was stuck to me, and wouldn't let go, I tried to think about happy things in the future, but even that kept reminding me that the person wasn't going to be in my life anymore. All I could think or ask was what was I going to do? How was I going to live without this person. I learned that you can deal with having no one in your life. You can live alone for the rest of your life and be perfectly happy. You might get lonely, but its better than being hurt emotionally. Then you won't have to worry about death around you, all you have to worry about is yourself. Acceptance is the hardest while dealing with a death. The fact of accepting that the person is leaving earth,and won't be here anymore. Once you accept that their is nothing you can do about it, you will find peace. Everything won't seam as hard anymore, you will be sad sometimes, but mostly happy, because they won't have to hurt anymore, they won't be suffering. Yes, the death is going to hurt you emotionally, but all in the end you will be okay. You may feel like your world is falling apart and all you want to do is sleep and cry, but honestly it's not, you just don't know how to react, so your body tells you to cry. Talking to that person before they slip away is good.. Even though they can't talk to you, they can still hear you. It's good to say everything you need to say while you can. And that's exactly what I did. being here make me want to cry. Staring at his chair he use to sit in hurts, knowing that he will never sit their again. Knowing he will never give me advice when i need it. It still hurts to talk about my father passing. When people ask me how is my father, i just can't sit there and stare blankly i have to tell them my father has passed on. But once i tell them some will say sorry for your loss and others will go on and on about how much he loved me and how he is in a better place, but when they go on and on it just makes me cry to think about it. Sometimes i wonder if he would still love me now, i know he would be disappointed in me after the news. Kinda hit me hard, wondering what he would say weather he would disown me or not. After a while i thought about it and realized he would be upset at first, but once he got used to it everything and everyone would be happy. People always say that he would be disappointed in me, but I know he would. Honestly he would be the first person standing by my side though. He had bad habits, but he was always there when I needed him. That's one thing I loved most was him always being there no matter what, now it's hard to find people or keep people like that, the rest of my family doesn't care and just leaves like I'm just a shadow.