It's Raining Men

It was a beautiful day outside. Birds were singing. Flowers were blooming. ON DAYS LIKE THESE KIDS LIKE YOU SHOULD- have a nice picnic. HAHAHAHAHAHA lol no you hate going outside.

Anyways...what was I saying? Oh yeah.

It was your birthday and you thought "hey, Why not go outside and do something other than spending all of my time inside on tumblr." And so you did that. You got a sunburn and died rip in peace. Just kidding. It was actually kinda nice outside. It wasn't warm but not like so hot your face might melt off. There was a nice breeze but it didn't ruin the warm weather.

You were just swinging on your swing set. You pondered about the meaning of life and wondered how much more your life would suck if you were a swing set. Literally people sit on you all the time. How would you feel if you had someone's butt in your face all the time. There are only a select few people you would want to have their butt in your face all the time. Even then you wouldn't because that's PORN!!1!

Suddenly the day didn't seem as beautiful as you gazed above you and saw the previously clear blue sky transfigure into a looming darkness. It matched your soul perfectly. And your outfit. All you wear is black because you are emo and special and listen to super hardcore bands such as Fall Out Boy. How unique and original. No one is like you. Screw those basic girls.

Lightning struck like five feet away from where you were and thunder boomed and you screamed really loudly and started to panic. Unfortunately you were not at the disco. Sigh.

Anyways you tried to run into your home but you faceplanted into the screen door. After recovering from that embarrassment and pain from hitting your face on a screen door, you tried to actually open it, but it was locked. Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcraaaaap

Lightning struck again and thunder boomed. You notice something plummeting from the sky. It was a man. "Is- is- is that who I think it is?" You stuttered. It was. Kylo Ren was falling out of the sky and he wasn't wearing a mask. Actually he wasn't wearing anything but that's besides the point.

"Me gusta." You said as you saw his beautiful naked body falling to earth. Your body was ready.

However you did not even get to make out with him as he hit the ground and died on impact. You heard the crunching noise of his bones being shattered and his arm flew off and hit you in the face. You watched as blood poured out of his body and soiled your vans.

Your eyes started to water. How could a man so beautiful deserve a punishment like this. Okay sure he's on the dark side. Yeah sure he killed his father. But like, he still had light in him. And he was really hot.

As if watching one gorgeous man die wasn't awful enough, a whole armada of men started to plummet from the sky. Forget sharknado. This was a naked-hot-manicane.

Naked men just kept falling from the sky. Markiplier fell on your roof and stared to slip down but his beautiful blue hair got caught in the gutter pipe thing and his legs dangled above you. Bucky Barnes drowned in your pool. Eugene from try guys landed on the top part your swing set and was severed in half. Death surrounded you. Was that a butt that just fell? Like there was no body, it was just a butt. It must have been Dan Howell's. You'd know that booty anyway. That booty was on fleek. His butt fell on your face. That's coincidental.

You desperately tried to push open the door to escape the growing pool of blood from your celebrity crushes. Suddenly you realized the door is a push door. Slow claps for you.

You run inside. You're safe from the naked-hot-manicane.

TOO BAD SHIA LABEOUF WAS WAITING FOR YOU!!! SHIA SURPRISE!! You ran to the kitchen. Where are the knives? You grab a butcher's knife you conveniently had and faced your enemy.

"I'm gonna k-kill you!" You shouted. You tried to sound confident but you were terrified.

"Just do it!" Shia shouted. You could smell the rotting flesh in his breath. Ew.

Epic 8-bit battle music played in the background and you were filled with de- READINESS TO KILL THIS N00B!!!

"GET REKT M8!" You screamed as you chopped him into little tiny Shia LaBeouf pieces. Now there was more blood on your vans. And it was in your kitchen. You let out an emo groan. It was your birthday, you were not going to clean up the blood of your enemies.

Wait... It was your birthday! You know what that means? Cake! You got some cake and cookies and you were about to stuff your face when you heard the oven beep behind you. You didn't remember cooking anything. You open the oven door and gasped in horror as you saw three beautiful cinnamon rolls too good for this world, too pure that were fully cooked.

No literally. Free food. Not everything in this story is gory. I wasn't gonna have freaking Jacksepticeye, Steven Yeun, and Adam Driver getting cooked alive. That's morbid. What kind of gross freak do you think I am.

You happily ate your cookies, cake, and cinnamon rolls, as the bloody storm continued outside. You were safe and you got free food. Besides the death of everyone you loved, it was a good day.