Song Fiction

A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans

Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway,
Got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

My alarm goes off fifteen minutes after I hit the snooze button on it for the third time. I stare at the blank ceiling for a moment before reaching over to press it again, before relaxing back into my bed for another minute. With a sigh, I force myself to get up and leave the comforting embrace of my blankets. A giant bear, sitting in the chair across the room, stares at me as I stretch. I stare back at it, ignoring the hole in my chest. There's a mirror next to it, and I force myself to smile, but it vanishes quickly when my eyes flit back over to the bear. I look down at my feet and force myself to go to the bathroom.

Brushing my teeth, I hum my favorite song and try not to look into the mirror while I'm in there. I brush my hair and do what I need to do before heading to my room. I move the bear next to my bed and cover him with a blanket, corners of my mouth turning up a little before settling into a straight line. I sighed and got dressed into my work clothes, thankful that I give myself enough time between waking up and going to work to sort myself. Once I look presentable, I grab my make-up bag. I haven't worn make-up since my heart was ripped out of my chest, so I close my eyes for a second and then move in front of the mirror as I set it down on the dresser. I smile at myself in the mirror when I've finished, feeling a little more confident.

Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for a minute, but then I changed it.
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

I haven't listened to the radio for a little bit. I grew exhausted with relating everything that came on the radio to the you-sized hole in my chest. So I take a deep breath and turn it on today. It's Luke Bryan, of course. I think about that for a moment, hands tight on the steering wheel and then I sing along for a second. "Do I, baby, give you everything that you ever wanted?" Then I turn it off, taking a deep breath and focusing on the road.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around, ah ohhh,
I'm done with thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

Everyone at work knew. Friends of friends knew. Everyone in my family knew. The pitying stares were enough to make the void in my chest expand throughout my entire body. Today, I was able to meet them head on with my own stare while ignoring the pain I was feeling on the inside. My secretary smiles at me when I get to her. I smile back and ignore the surprise on her face as I open my office door. I look at the mirrored wall in my office and smile.

Doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by,
And you realized you haven't cried.
I'm not giving you an hour or a second or another minute longer.
I'm busy getting stronger.

I'm sitting down when I catch site of my desk calendar under my files for the day. I move them to the side and look at today's date, then look back down at the calendar. It's the end of the month, which means I've been like this for a month. Only, worse. I was doing well then. I'm able to smile at myself in the mirror now, which is an achievement. But, still, days like these are when it feels like it happened just yesterday. I sigh and scratch out the week previous to this one. Then I take another deep breath and draw a smiley face on today's date, next to the meetings that were scheduled today.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out.
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around, ah ohhh,
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same.
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

"Last meeting for the day," my secretary says when I get back to the office. "Did you want to go out and get some food?" She's trying, as she does every day. Usually I automatically decline, but today I stop to think about it for a second and let out a sigh as I look at her. I nod, smiling a little bit.

So we go to our favorite café, sit outside and make up stories about the people that walk by. Something we used to do on our lunch breaks before my heart shattered. She swipes the whipped cream off of her latte and pokes my nose, giggling like a little girl.

"You're going to be okay," is all she says.

Getting along without you baby,
I'm better off without you baby.
How does it feel without me baby?
I'm getting stronger without you baby.

I haven't been on any social media since, but when I get home and sit at my computer today, I decide it's time for a little more change. I'm curious too, as to what you might be doing. I log in to Facebook and check my page, biting my lip as I realize you've taken our relationship status off. I changed mine from "In a relationship" to blank and then click my profile picture. It's of us. I change it to a picture of my brother and me in the Bahamas, and then leave it like that.

Then, very reluctantly, I search your name and go to your profile. We're still friends. I look at your profile picture, which is of you and the dog I got for you. Lucky, you named him. I hated that you took him, because now the house felt extra empty with the two of you. But I was happy too, because he was yours and I wanted you to have him. You haven't posted anything, and you haven't been tagged either. So I log out and frown, wondering how you were doing.

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around, and ohhh,
I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

"Mom wants to get the family together for a picnic," says my brother as we walk out of Starbucks. "Cousins and uncles and family friends," he continues, sipping from his straw. "I think it's an insane idea. We hate most of them." I chuckled and shook my head, sipping from my own. He watches me for a second. I can feel his eyes on me. "How are you doing?"

I take another sip and smile at him. "I'm doing just fine, little bro. How about we go see a movie next?"

"I heard that new one with Zac Efron is out."

"Well, then we definitely need to be at that theatre, like, yesterday."

I'm just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.

"Smile!" the cameraman shouts as soon as my family is in order. Which isn't at all actually in order for a high quality picture. My two cousins were rubbing their jelly slick hands all over each other faces, and my uncle was proudly showing off his beer belly while holding a BudLite in his one hand and a hot dog in another. My mom had her mouth squishing my stepdads face and my dad was giving another one of my cousins a noogie while he stuck his tongue out at his sisters with their hair in his hands. I was looking everywhere but at the camera in the picture. I was smiling, surrounded by all of the people that have to love me even when they hate me.

We were all happy, and we were all laughing. And we were all okay.

I get a little bit stronger.