I knew I shouldn't meet up with Ethan because of the long and rough past we had, but when he texted me to ask if I wanted to meet up, I agreed in a blink. There was something in that man that pleased me, and I felt like I could't feel peace before finding out what the thing was. Was it Ethan's mesmerizing smile, the way he looked at me when I was talking about things that were important to me, or just simply the fact that I could never have him? For our date, if that was the correct name for this, I wanted to wear my brand-new blue jeans that made my bottom look the best it could. Somewhere deep in my mind I was hoping for Ethan to notice, knowing how shallow that sounded. But a girl can dream, right?
Normally I would've been late, like I always was, but I didn't want him to wait up for me. Luckily, so was he. We greeted, chitchatted for a minute or two, until he asked if we should go. I hopped on his motorcycle and he started the bike. As we left the parking lot, I immediately fell in love with the bike and the speed.
We were driving on a road that was boarded with a thick forest on one side, and a long lake with bright blue, sparkling water on the other. I felt the urge to ask Ethan to stop hist motorcycle, to run downhill to the beach with me, screaming like a child and to jump in to that tempting, cool water.
We were already halfway there, when Ethan stopped. We had arrived to a parking lot of my old summer camp, where I had spent so many unforgettable moments - both good and bad. The memories brought a smile on my lips. My first thought was that Ethan needed to take a leak, or that we were almost out of gas, but all of my guesses were wrong as he opened his mouth. That perfect mouth, that I was once lucky enough to kiss. "I don't want to drive those trails up there. Let's stay here." I was partly disappointed, but got off his motorcycle and sat down on a rock fence that separated the parking lot from the forest behind. Ethan sat next to me, about a half a meter away. We were both too tired to have an intelligent conversations, and honestly, when you think closely, only one percent of the conversations spoken during the day are actually interesting.
I was thinking of all those times when Ethan had told me about his latest adventures with girls, and how he had almost gotten to home base before realising that he was taken. During all those times I was just trying to laugh along with him even if the inside of me was painfully screaming notice me, notice me.
Until up to last fall, he noticed. He asked me out, even if it just for twenty minutes and freezing cold. He kissed me, gave my more ideas what could happen. All those things he said.. How I was almost his dream woman, so beautiful and trustworthy, and how he could talk to me about everything. All those things made me think about a future with Ethan - small surprises on every Thursday, spontaneous kisses and walking on sunsets while holding hands. I didn't want to sit on a stupid fence, looking at the road! I wanted to sit on his lap and kiss him. Be close to him, feel his lips against mine, and get the attention I wanted from him. Oh boy, why can't you see how perfect we'd be together?
But even if we were living the beginning of 2010s, I couldn't do that. Well, technically I could, but with Ethan? No. I had just gotten his trust and friendship back, and didn't want to ruin it all with one stupid thought. No matter if I had spent the last month or so dreaming about him. Of course, Ethan could do so, and I wouldn't mind. He could do anything he wanted, he could treat me like shit, and I'd still come back to him. But it would never work the other way - he was so short-tempered. One more thing to love about him, which also made me want to abuse.
We didn't talk about anything world changing. Just those unnecessary and shallow things you're willing to share with the person who you proved your love four years ago. Four long years ago, when we were the cutest couple in school, and whose relationship was the way girls like me still dream today.
Ethan opened his mouth, that perfect mouth on his handsome face that I had been staring for countless times. "Is it okay if I drive you home already?" I said yes, my heart screaming for no. I didn't want to leave yet, didn't want to jump back on his motorcycle, sit behind him watching his neck and hoping I could kiss him again, while the beautiful Finnish landscapes would go by on the background. But what other choice did I have? I didn't want to annoy him, didn't want to disagree with him, like I couldn't say half of the things I wanted to tell him - like the fact that I was about to fall in love with him all over again.
I hopped on the backseat of the motorcycle. I wanted to wrap my arms around Ethan, like in all those movies I always watched, whispered on his ear and go to the beach together to enjoy the amazingly hot summer day. But no, Ethan started his motorcycle and we started heading back. Regardless of my fear of all kinds of vehicles - especially fast two-wheeled ones - the trust I had for Ethan and his driving skills was enormous. I wasn't even scared sitting behind him, hands tightly wrapped on the grab bar and mouth in euphoric smile. I felt so lucky because even if Ethan didn't have a clue about my feelings, I was still able to be close to him when he was doing something he loved the most: drive.
We were halfway to my house. Landscapes full of lakes had been turned in to fields, small forest areas and horse fields. The sun was shining right in front of us, the engine of Ethan's motorcycle was spinning under us while he was driving on the burning hot asphalt. Ethan curved, saw the straight road in front of us, and speeded up. The wind was hitting my face harder than ever, and I was trying my best to hide behind Ethan's back while I was white-knuckling the grab bar. It still wasn't cold at all, the wind was warm, but made sure that my mascara would ran all over my cheeks. I didn't want to look like a clown when I'd have to take off my helmet on my driveway.
Ethan turned his head a little bit towards me and smiled to me over the mirror - and in that moment, I screamed. The young man I had been in love with for years, all alone in my silence, turned his eyes back to the road. We were driving over hundred kilometers per hour towards an elk standing in the middle of the road. Ethan tried to avoid the elk, which didn't even seem to notice us as it was peacefully standing in a burning hot road between two fields. Ethan hit the breaks, and the next thing I noticed was that we were flying. And all I could think was that I could never forgive myself if something would happen to Ethan. It was my fault he was even driving here.
I was laying on a big rock. My 30 years old helmet, that was two sizes too big, was laying on the ground in two peaces. I felt horrible pain in the back of my head, saw white dots dancing in my eyes. I couldn't move a muscle. Ethan - his handsome face bleeding - was crouched next to me. Even though the white dots made seeing hard, I could still locate the tears on his eyes as he was petting my bloody hair. My hair, that he used to love just a couple years ago.
I was breathing raspingly while listening Ethan's stuffy voice repeating that he had called the ambulance already, and that they were on their way here. I tried to thank him, or even to smile, but I couldn't. All I was able to do was to swallow and swallow, even if it hurted like hell.
People say, that when you're dying, you see your whole life on repeat. Me? I say it's bullshit. All I could see was Ethan's gorgeous face. Every breath I took felt like a stab with the sharpest knife in the world, but I wanted to be strong and I was doing my best holding back tears. Ethan had seen me cry so many times before but I didn't want to give the man the pleasure to see me cry once again like the stupid, over emotional girl I was. However, against my will, the burning hot tears somehow made their way, ran across my cheeks, biting in every cut. I was blinking the tears away from my lashes and yelped. Ethan was watching me, his face was swollen and red, but still, it was the most beautiful face on Earth. "Ethan", I croaked. Talking was easily ten times more painful than breathing. "Ethan, I love you." The man looked at me, smiled and whispered to my ear that he felt the same. That he never stopped loving me, how sorry he was. He moved, pressed his lips against mine, while dropping salty tears on my cuts. But I didn't care about the pain, I just wanted to enjoy my last moments with Ethan. I closed my eyes and slowly, the singing of the birds, the wash of the river nearby, Ethan's breathing.. It all disappeared. I took my last breath amongst the living, and heard Ethan's crying voice from somewhere far away, "You will be the most beautiful angel Paradise has ever had."
