Each new paragraph is a different thought that occurred on a different day in chronological order. It shows the exhausting mixture of thoughts in my head all day, every day. This is just me venting to feel better. If you ever find this, know that this is what I went through without you. This will be updated as new events progress.
To be honest, you were more trouble than you were worth. I felt loved and I really did love you very much, and I do honestly wish you the best, but I can't handle being stressed out about you. My mom doesn't like you, and I feel guilty for even being with you, and I don't deserve that feeling. You can't prove that you weren't lying, and that's utter bullshit. I forgave and forgot for a while, but I deserve to not have to forgive in the first place. You're my first love, and I thank you for being in my life and showing me how I act when I love someone like I loved you, but in my future relationships I now know that I deserve better. I love you, and I'm sorry.
I was fine before you and I'll be fine after you.
Maybe when you grow up a little, then we can talk.
You think you're all grown up and you can do whatever you want when in real life you're still a fucking five year old who doesn't give enough of a fuck about me or how what you do affects me.
I did everything for you, I let you in and I trusted you and I let you fuck me and I let you kiss me and I let you hold me and I let you call me yours, and you don't even have the balls to tell me the fucking truth, and the bullshit about "I don't know what happened to it" is just that: BULLSHIT.
And the most fucked up thing is that I love you so damn much that for a second I actually fucking fell for it.
It's tomorrow and I still love you and I told you I missed you and you forgave me and told me to live my life and said it was okay and I was fine but then you hugged me and now it hurts again, it hurts so much.
I know getting over this takes time and I don't want to lead you on but I still feel so attached and I just want everything to be okay again.
I wish you didn't have to fucking lie, because you're the best when you're not lying.
I don't know if you know this, but I lost a friend, too. I lost you both as a lover and as a best friend, I told you everything and gave you all of me, so don't think that this isn't hard on me, too. This is destroying me inside, almost to the point where I regret it. It hurts so bad and I don't know what to do, so don't assume I'm fine when I can barely control the tears when I catch a glimpse of you in the hallway. I was late to school this morning because I cried so much and missed the bus. I don't know how you feel, but I hope you at least miss me a little. Because it's not fair for me to be this broken and you to be fine.
Also, I still have hickies from you on my body. That hurts a lot, too.
I talked to you today and I said I wanted you back and you said no. All I fucking want is to work things out again. Does this even fucking hurt you?! Does what we had mean anything to you?! Did it mean anything while I was still loving you with all my heart?! It's not fucking fair and all you have to say is "it will get better" BUT I WANT IT TO GET BETTER WITH YOU.
You've explained everything, and I wrote down what I wanted to explain to you, so I guess this is it. I've wasted three days of total numbing heartbreak, thinking of what to say to get you back, and that's all it will every be: a try. I tried. And tomorrow you're gonna give me my present, and I'm gonna cry. But I'm hoping that when you give it to me, you realize what it means. It was our first Christmas, the first time I had bought anyone like you a gift of what I had thought were many to come. And that letter was stupid, because it was just me asking for you back, after you had said no. You said you're confused and you don't know what you want, and I get that. But you also said I'm too good for you, which may be true, but I don't care. I want you by my side again, to love and to hold and to kiss and to hug. And I want you to know that while I'm not going to sit around and spend every second of every day waiting for you, I'm always here if you ever decide I'm what you want. I'll always get butterflies when I see you, I'll always smile when your text lights up my phone, I'll always want your touch and your warmth, and I'll always want you to talk to me. I'll always hang out with you, do things with you, do whatever with you whenever you want. Because you're what I want right now. And maybe I'm just vulnerable and dumb, but I want you back. Maybe this feeling will go away, and maybe by that time we'll be different people and I won't need you so much anymore. But if you ever figure out what you want, and if I'm what you decide, I'll be here. Always.
