worthwhile

wasn't i?

dear diary, 

i've just turned twenty and i'm still so used to expressing my feelings in this way. you're an inanimate object, but i still address you as 'dear'. 

maybe it's because i'm incapable of seeing how animate objects, or rather, humans, can be deserving of love, care, and terms of endearment. there was a time when i loved another being, a seemingly wholesome, independent one. but as as everyone else says, the quietest and most innocent of people can become one of the most vicious in the blink of an eye. 

i'm twenty and should be able to control my thoughts from wandering back to this topic, but maturity doesn't matter at all in such a situation. even fully grown adults stutter and stumble when mentioning past relationships.

relationships that have been flushed down the drain of nothingness. 

sometimes i close my eyes and wonder if he thinks about me at all. wasn't i the most memorable girl he ever came into contact with? by the way, i'm not in the least bit complacent, i'm simply quoting some of the sugar-coated words he dared to say to me months before he left. 

i was a fool to even take a liking to him. of course, he wasn't suave, or cunning like those other guys who were all out just to get a girl. he didn't have any ulterior motive in mind when he spoke to other females, even before our relationship blossomed. but in his own way, he was attractive. 

or rather, his voice was attractive. his looks by our standards would be considered commonplace, but his voice, his singing voice was nothing but. rarely going off pitch, his voice reminded me of a glass of cool lemonade on a hot summer day. he was a burst of colour on my canvas of life. the neon pink among the greys and the whites and all the other nondescript hues. 

wasn't i interesting to him though?

wasn't i the only gold coin out of the treasure box he'd genuinely want to keep? 

i thought that for once, i was actually doing something the right way. that if i had put effort into keeping the relationship going, it wouldn't ever stop. wasn't i trying hard enough?

and now it's...all gone. 

i detest being reminded of him. 

his contagious laugh, the laugh that sent me into hysterics the moment i heard it. wasn't i the one who made him laugh that beautiful laugh of his?

his smile, brighter than the dog star, sirius, which he always searched for when we went stargazing at night. wasn't i the reason for it? 

well, i was. but i'm not anything to him now. 

i hear him on the radio pretty often too, that idiot, singing as part of his band. i can't bring myself to recall the name, though i've heard about them plenty of times. they're fairly popular too, and debuted just last year. but then again, over here in korea, possibly hundreds of groups debut every year.

of course, i'm strangely comforted by the fact that only one has a member that goes by the name of yoo kihyun. a charming vocalist with a past that i hope haunts him. 

-

annyeong.