brain vomit

{1} the end

(((trigger warning)))

///edited & rewritten 1-24-19\\\

///not really proud of this but rewriting
all these old as shit writings really
makes me realize how much i've
improved so that's neat ig.\\\

i slowly stand up from my desk, put my suiside note & my pills in my jean pocket. i put on an oversized sweatshirt & quitely leave my room, i walk through my kitchen to the stairs that lead outside. i slowly breath in & out trying to calm my thoughts & racing heart, scared that they, my parents, might hear it because it's beating so damn loud. i take another breath & unlock the back door, close it silently & walk up to my front yard, down my dead end street to my side neighbors yard that's like a small forest.

i sigh & look at the trees. memories come, all the fun times i've had in these trees, playing with the other neighbors kids & how, then i didn't realize how truly fucked up the world is & no matter how happy you can look, you can slowly be dying in the inside, in front of everyone you know & love without them even guessing anything is wrong. no matter how many times you laugh & joke with your friends you can still be crying & screaming in the inside without them batting a eye. no matter how many clues you drop that your really not fucking okay your friends still think your 100% okay when you are 100% done with life & want to die.

i whip away the tears that are cascading down my face onto the mossy floor of the small forest.

i walk down the small hill & try to find a comfortable spot, i start laugh at myself quietly. i'm so stupid, what is comfort when you will be dead in the morning?

i slowly take my pills, leaving the note in there then open the pill bottle, i put the reast of my tylenol in there then filled it with other random pills. i open the bottle & look down at the tiny capsules that will kill me, i take a breathe in and sigh then dry swallow all 60 or so pills.

i grimace once i feel all the pills in my stomach. i take a huge breath in & out. then to my surprise from what i thought was a empty, dissolute forest, is a forest alive with noise, beautiful noise.

i take a minute & slowly stop breathing so much, paying extremely close attention to the noieses; there are birds everywhere, the high pitched laugh & chatter of the Bluejays to the beautiful sing song voice of the finches, & the pecks of the woodpeckers, the wind brushing through the leaves all around me, the light foot steps of what i think is a nearby deer, the sound of rushing water down further into the forest, & the small chirps & small noies of baby birds.

all making a wonderful orchestra of the beautiful thing called nature.

my head starts to hurt & i trip over a root, stumbling easily, losing my balence, then falling down hard against a tree. i turn my head quickly & try to vomit but i hold back knowing that i shouldn't vomit because that is the pills coming up & i need all those little shits.

i start shaking uncontrollably, i lay down & try to stop shaking. finally i stop but it feels like there's almost something around my chest making it so i can't breathe i try to calm down, laying on my back & looking at the one thing that will always be there for me no matter what i yell, cry, & scream at it, it'll always be there watching me with it's many eyes no matter where i go no matter what i do it will always be there.

it calms me just thinking about it how endless, dark, & mysterious it is. how we, the small human race, no matter how hard we try will never fully understand it, how beautiful it truly is.

most of the branches are covering the sky & stars but there is still the beautiful dark midnight blue & purple sky peeking through & at least 20 or so stars.

it might not be much but its enough for me.

i lay there shaking uncontrollably & hyperventilating, starring at the sky, not thinking just there finally at peace knowing i will never wake up again.

all this pain? gone.
all of this sadness? gone.

nothing matters anymore so long as i die staring at the most beautiful thing in the world to me; the sky & the stars.

everything will be okay so long as I have the sky & stars.

my vision is starting to turn black & i can't see anything after a couple of minutes. i admit i am a little scared only because of the unknown on the other side but anything has to be better then this.

i stop thinking for a moment;

then everything

just

slows

down

&

stops

///lowercase intentional\\\

///words- 823\\\