What He Doesn't Know

Part 2

"So when do you plan on telling him?" Steve startled you seeing as you thought you were alone. You were trying to get some work done in one of the few quiet rooms at the Avenger's headquarters.
"I don't know what you're talking about." You said matter-of-fact and tried to refocus on your laptop that probably had some important information on it.
"I think I know you well enough to know when you're lying, Y/N," he said snidely, "now when are you going to tell Bucky you were engaged."
"For now, he doesn't need to know because it's not pertinent to his recovery."
"Since when is that your call?"
"Since I'm the one that has to take him back to those memories." You promptly collected your things because you were done having the same argument with Steve. He'd been trying to convince you to tell Bucky for a few weeks now, but you just couldn't bring yourself to do it.
"Don't you think he has a right to know?" His huge size made it easy for him to block your way and forced you stay and talk with him.
"And how do you propose I tell him, huh? Should I just say something like 'Hey, Bucky, can you guess where we're going today? We're going to revisit the day you asked this perfect stranger to marry you, are you ready?' because it's not that easy, Steve."
"I get it, but he deserves to know and you could tell him tonight. Don't you guys have another session planned?"
"Yes we do, but he's barely coming to terms with his accident and being out of the Cryo Freeze for so long, this would just make everything harder on him." You heaved a heavy sigh at the things Bucky had to go through. You wanted more than anything to be with him like before and comfort him like you used to. Steve must have finally seen the exhaustion and emotional toll this was taking on you and relented, for now.
You used the rest of the day to prepare for your next trip with Bucky. Taking back another person with you was physically and mentally taxing so you meditated before every trip. You didn't want to let on just how burnt out you felt so you downed a cup of coffee before you went to meet with him. Tony and a small team of scientists, including Dr. Banner, were going to be observing the two of you. They had warned you of the long term effects this could have on you, but you didn't want to let it get in your way.
Bucky was waiting for you in the small room when you walked in. He immediately stood up and went to greet you, but stopped before he actually touched you. It was still awkward between you two. You didn't quite know how to act around him and vice versa. The transition between going from touchy feely adoration to uncomfortable distance was sickening, but you couldn't rush him into remembering you.
"Hey, Bucky, are you ready?" You greeted with forced cheeriness.
"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess."
"Alright then you know the drill. Stay close, don't panic, and make sure you're not seen by your past self, got it?"
"Got it, where are we going this time?"
"Since you don't remember me very much yet I thought we'd go back to the beginning, when we first met. I hope that's ok?"
"Yeah, absolutely, but what are those for?" He gestured to the bundle of clothes you had forgotten you were holding.
"Well since we were a little too conspicuous last time, I thought we should try to blend in a bit so we don't draw so much attention to ourselves." You handed him a long black pea coat and a flat cap. He put them on and for a second he looked like the man you knew before Hydra ruined everything. You caught yourself staring and quickly averted your eyes. Once you donned your veiled hat and vintage navy coat you were ready to go.
He looked excited, like a child going on a field trip he'd been looking forward to. Maybe he could remember you and in time, you could take him back to the engagement. For now, you settled for the first time you laid eyes on him. You put your hands on the sides of his head so your thumbs rested right on his temples. This helped you sync your minds up so you could travel back more easily.
The world around you blurred together and the familiar wave of vertigo hit you like it always did when you made long distance trips. It subsided and in no time, you were back in good ole 1942 and the comforting sight of Brooklyn came to view. Bucky looked around and took in the familiar streets.
You hooked your arm onto his and were surprised when he let you. Bucky even rested his hand on yours as you lead him around the next corner where your past self was walking home from work having gotten off at the hospital when you spotted some sort of a scuffle. It was always in your nature to help when it looked like someone needed it and from the looks of Steve's bloody nose, he definitely needed something.
"I told you, Bucky, I'm fine." Steve said, pushing away Bucky's helping hands.
"No you're not, Steve, we need-"
"Hey, are you okay?" You cut off Bucky when you caught sight of all the blood coming from Steve's face.
"My friend here has a broken nose, but doesn't want to admit it." Without wasting another moment, you took the handkerchief from your purse and pressed it to his nose.
"Let me guess, walked into a lamp post or run into a door?" Bucky laughed at your attempt to lighten the mood. The sound was positively enticing and you felt yourself starting to blush. Steve was still scowling under the cloth as he watched you two flirt right in front of him.
"Neither," replied Bucky, "he walked into the side mirror of one of those big trucks."
"Ah yes, that actually happens quite often." You said trying to make poor Steve feel better. "The good news is it doesn't look broken, but you might still want to have a doctor take a look at it though."
"I think I'll be fine from here." Steve said as he tried to dust himself off. He took your handkerchief and kept it pressed to his nose as Bucky gave you a quick once over.
"Thanks for the concern by the way Miss...?"
"Oh please call me Y/N, and you are?"
"I'm Bucky and this is my accident prone friend, Steve." Steve gave you a small wave as he tended to his bloody nose, "You'll have to let me thank you for your help by the way."
"Oh you think so?" You said, cocking your eyebrow at his confidence.
"As a matter of fact, I know so-"
"Are you okay?" The present Bucky was looking at you with concern in his eyes. Truthfully, you started to feel incredibly drained and you could feel your mind start to falter. You just couldn't pull Bucky away from this memory because he had to remember you.
"Yeah, I'm fine." You lied through your teeth.
"No you're not so we should go."
"But you haven't seen everything, you don't remember me yet." You were frantic and you didn't want to leave before he saw enough of his past. The present, however, was pulling at your very being to will you back to the right time. This was the first time you felt yourself being physically forced to leave and you didn't like it one bit. You guessed this is what it must be like when you stay for too long.
"What are you talking about? We can come back later, but we need to go now." You were too weak to fight him so you closed your eyes and let the pull of the present take you back.
The time change hit you with a force like you've never felt before. It knocked you to the ground and your mind felt like it was being picked apart. The last thing you saw was Bucky trying to help you, but the tears in your eyes blurred everything together.
You woke up to needles in your arms and monitors stuck to your temples. The all too familiar sight of Tony's lab came to view as you sat up on the observation table. Bruce stepped out from behind his desk and his grave face said it all. He had warned you of the side effects after the first time you took Bucky back. The word Tony used to describe the effect it would have on you was "detrimental", but you insisted. All you wanted was to have your old Bucky back, but you would have to contend with the the fact that it could never happen.
"What's the damage?" You asked, already knowing the answer.
"The time change agitated your cells and the strain of taking someone back was too much for your mind so it started to break itself apart." Bruce pulled up a hologram of your brain and demonstrated the deterioration, "That's why you were practically forced back to the present."
"So what does that mean for me?" You sat up all the way so you could peel the monitors off your temples and withdrew the needles from your arms.
"Essentially, it means you're done for time travel for a while, maybe forever. If you hadn't come back when you did, the damage could've been much worse."
"What about Bucky? Was he hurt by the time travel?" You were petrified at the thought of having hurt him further.
"Hydra did a good job at making sure his body could withstand anything so he's fine. He's actually been waiting for you to wake up." Bruce opened the door and Bucky was awkwardly standing there, not sure what to do with his hands.
"I'll give you two a minute." Bruce mercifully stepped out and Bucky walked up to you, but stopped short. He looked worried and frustrated and scared and you wanted more than anything to kiss him like you did before.
"Why didn't you tell me?" That was a loaded question and there was more than one way to answer it.
"I didn't think you needed to know." You said plain and simple.
"Why wouldn't I need to know? You're taking me back to help me remember, but it's killing you." He was worried, but he looked more hurt than anything else. You never wanted him to feel like this, you just wanted things to go back to normal. Any chance of that and taking Bucky back to your engagement was probably gone forever.
"I'm fine, I could probably manage one more trip." Tears were prickling your eyes, but you held them back as best you could.
"I heard Dr. Banner, Y/N, I know you can't go back for a while."
"He doesn't even know what he's talking about, if I could take you back one more time-"
"Why are you pushing this? What could be so important that you would risk your life?"
"It's you god damnit!" All the pain you'd been holding in fell through the tiny cracks in your facade in full force. You pounded your fists on his broad chest because you were angry that he forgot you after all the promises you made to love each other forever. You were angry that he could look at you without the adoration he had for you. More than anything, you were tired of pretending like your heart wasn't breaking every time he looked right through you.
"I thought if I could just show you enough memories that you would remember."
"Remember what?"
"That you loved me and I loved you." You covered your mouth to keep the sobs from escaping.
"I can hardly remember my name most of the time, but when I look at you I know you like your coffee with extra cream and you get a headache if you wear your hair up for too long and putting on lipstick is your favorite part of the day and I know you meant...something to me." He took your left hand and examined it closely, as if he would find all the answers to his questions in the creases of your fingers.
"But most of all," He continued, "I remember the ring I gave you because I thought nothing looked more perfect on you than that diamond on your finger."
"Bucky, I missed you so much." His metal hand gently caressed your face and his thumb slid across your bottom lip. Maybe he didn't remember everything you were, but the possibility of what you could be was overwhelming.
"If you can't show me our past then at least be apart of my future."