Sometimes giving out a second chance to someone it the worst thing you could possibly do. Other times it can be just about the greatest thing you can do for someone. It's funny. I always told my mum not to give her exes a second chance, but here I am. What a hypocrite.
You don't know me and you don't really need to, if I'm honest. Just trying to find the right person in this world who can accompany me through life. People say to me "Don't give love to those who don't love you." And to that I say we all make mistakes and we'd get no where in life if we just wiped out this person who made a mistake without hearing them out.
So right now driving down the quiet alleyways of my home town with sweaty palms and the constant feeling of needing to throw up in my throat. I go over these things in my head trying to convince myself that this is a good idea, trying to tell myself it's going to be ok and physically forcing myself not to spin the wheel around and go back home to crawl into the dark corners of my room among the bugs that there probably are there, wishing I was one of them. Yes, that's how desperate I am to go back to my safe haven.
Is this what it feels like to be choking. With the walls closing in. The only breath you could grasp now stuck in your throat wanting to come out but to no avail. I should stop, cancel, do anything. But I don't. Driving on this straight road to either hell or heaven. That I will know when I get there. It's like a magnet; just drawing me in willing me to go on and meet my destiny. Destiny... Maybe this was planned for me. That's what someone wants from me to go on. To learn to forgive or to mock me for how stupid I'm being, Jesus this is hard.
How did it end up like this. It was perfect. What everyone wanted but never got and somehow it ended up in my lap. His eyes, his hair... Him. It was going so well until that day when everything hit the fan. Huh funny how one thing can ruin everything you have in an instant. We let it.
Let's take the long way shall we? Yeah, it's for the best. Why did he lift his hand like that just because I said I didn't want to make dinner. No I know it wasn't just that it can't have been. Can it? No of course not. He made fun of my mental state because my friends made fun of him. He yelled in my face because he saw my father do it to me first. He smashed that lamp because I accidentally knocked over that wine glass full of champagne. He hit me because I 'let' someone else in the club touch me.
That wasn't him I know it. The little things get to the biggest of people.
So let's decide something here in the safety of my own car. Will I stay? Can I put aside everything he's put me through and how much pain I still feel whenever I see a picture of the person I fell in love with. Can he forgive me for walking out and leaving my whole life behind shattered on the floor like that photo frame I loved so much. I will come up with a plan, a plan for success. Ok let's think here. The bathroom window maybe, no what if there isn't one? Just stand up to him see how it goes, no my anxiety will get the better of me. Turn around now and ditch, no I'm not going to be beaten by this. Ok come one think, think! Why is this so hard? Wow the man I once loved it now scaring me stupid, why am I so afraid? We are in a public place he can't do anything to me.
*ring*
"Urgh you breaking me out of my thinking process!" I yelled at the inanimate object. What has my life become? Okay calm down your nearly there so close to it, face it, you can do it... I think. A stop light great time to check my phone. It reads,
Hey babe (if I can even call you that anymore) I'm at the bar come find me to talk. Ok? I miss you xx
Well damn. What to reply, what to reply. Ok calm down its just a text. Breathe. I reply:
Hi, I'm almost there. I'll find you so look out for me yeah! I miss you to...
I then go back to delete the I miss you part.
Ok close to the pub now just look at his face see what you see and then take it from there. I pull into the car park and spend about five minutes checking my makeup, dress, phone anything to keep me preoccupied. With one last look in the mirror I step out of the car careful not to make a fool out of myself before I've even got in there. I make the short walk (that seems to take forever) into the bar and with one final breath I push open the door. I'm greeted by the sound of happiness around me. People chatting, clinking of drinks and the soft sound of music in the background, I wish I had my own music now. My blue eyes scan over the bar until they land on a hunched over figure in the distance wearing the shirt I got him for his birthday. I instantly get a lump in my throat and want to cry but I refuse. Listen to the music I say to myself, listen and calm down. One step. I can do it. A second step. I will do this. A third step. A wave of determination floods over me I will do this. I tap his shoulder and it's as if he turns around in slow motion. First I can see his eyes and how they look tired, then his hair which looks barely groomed. Then the look on his face as he saw me.
That was the look that...
Made
Me
Stay.
