The Hipster's Tale
It was an average day in Mrs. Bantum's English class; her students listened eagerly as she taught them the way of the Old English language. The class was disrupted, however, when Nick and Alan walked in late, "Old English? Why!" they cried in utter distress. "We will not stand for this!" they shouted, as they walked out the door. The rest of the class sighed in relief, for they detested the negativity that the two boys brought into the classroom.
Nick and Alan decided to attend Mr. Esplin's math class, though, but paid no attention to the teacher. They spent the whole class period on Twitter, completely ignoring Mr. Esplin's lecture on the quadratic formula. They hashtagged away for 90 minutes, "#WhyOldEnglish #WhatDoesQuadraticEvenMean #SayNoToMath." Mr. Esplin didn't even care, since they didn't make a peep.
Alan and Nick escaped school at exactly 10:51, and sped away towards Dairy Queen, their favorite grease joint. They almost got lost on the way, but luckily, Nick had Google Maps on his iPhone, so they made it safely and in a timely manner.
In art class that afternoon, while Mr. Stacey taught about famous artists, Nick and Alan painted portraits of each other, complete with Italian mustaches and Trump hair. "Why is he even trying to teach us about these old guys? Nobody thinks they are cool anymore, doesn't he know that Nick Denhalter is totally in now?" Nick whispered to his buddy. They were completely crushed when Mr. Stacey gave them an early Christmas present, a holiday art project to do over the break. The minute school was out, Nick and Alan broke free, eager to begin their vacation.
Nick and Alan had a great Christmas; they were both delighted to receive the new iPhone 7 from Santa. They spent the whole break staying up until 4 A.M., playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. They did nothing proactive over break, and were in heaven the entire two weeks. The day before break ended, still not having done their art assignment, they had no worries because they had a fun and relaxing break, just what they had waited for since school started in August.
Nick and Alan arrived at school again in January, wearing their hippest gangster clothes. They were heartbroken when nobody cheered upon their arrival, but got over it quickly. "What up, bros!" they called to their friends. Their friends called back, "How doth thou doeth, peers?" "Um, cool, bro." Alan said back, "Why are you talking like that?" "What doth thou meanest? Welcometh backeth to school!" They skipped English, ashamed that they could not comprehend this new (old) way of speaking.
"What is this!" Alan cried in dismay. He was once again tweeting throughout math class, but he was horrified to find that hashtags had been replaced by grammatically correct sentences, "Today was a most beautiful day; my marigolds have bloomed and the robins are singing!" one person tweeted. Another said, " The diphthongs may be rather difficult to comprehend in Mr. Ganowsky's class, however choral music is quite a lovely thing of which to be a part."
Lunch finally rolled around, and Nick and Alan headed once again to their beloved Dairy Queen. When they couldn't remember how to get there, Alan, the driver, pulled his new phone out. However, he found that to unlock his phone he was required to solve an algebra problem using the quadratic formula, part of the new update Apple had put out, which he had updated to during class. Nick and Alan finally crawled into class that afternoon, almost two hours late, because they had gotten lost enroute to Dairy Queen, and ended up somewhere in New Harmony. After class, they found Mr. Esplin, and had him help them unlock their phones, on condition that they paid attention in math class the rest of the year.
Once they unlocked their phones again, they found that Van Gogh was currently trending on Twitter. "My social life!" Nick cried. "I have no idea who this man is! Or this 'Picasso'! What is this world coming to?!" Needless to say, Alan and Nick were no longer cool.
In the halls after school, one of Nick's friends came up to him and offered him cookies. "I can't" Nick said. "I can't gain weight, because I have to maintain my chiseled figure to play this guy in the upcoming play." "Haven't thou a brain?" His friend asked. "Cookies art healthful!"
