Hahahahha where do I honestly start ... I don't know ... Guess It's been weird all the stuff that happened ...... All the weird unexplainable things I've felt seen heard .... Am not sure if I've grown as a person I think .... 😅... Hahha I think too much ... But I can't lie to my self I know me ... Well ..... Better than anyone ... Cept God ... He knows me too well ... I appreciate the opportunities he gave me ....😇👏🏽🙏🏼...... But I always seem to squander them n mess up 🙁😤.... There are moments I wish I could redo since like they were fucking awesome n weirdly sad for me ... I've always replied them in my mind over n over again ... Different outcomes different approaches ... I guess I could call my self crazy ... 😜😁.... I. Sometimes think am a low key psycho path or sociopath honestly I don't know the difference hope no one finds out its embarrassing ....🤐😓..... Hahha sometimes am afraid of what am capable of .... Maybe that's y I limit my self ... 🚫... Am scared of so many things that don't make sense ... I used to be scared of large bodies of water , heights, the unknown was the biggest since I was expecting something unexpected ... The dark ... Clowns... Spiders I fucking hate those creepy. Fuckers they r nothing but just nightmares crawling .... People.... The future .... But I've noticed something ....the olde I get the more I overcome those fears n the more I fear the small real things .... I used to be scared of the supernatural ...demons Devils possession that shadow thingy
watching me always at night ... Maybe that's y I avoided Windows ... But right now am in my safe zone away from everything next to a window ... It's not bad I guess ... But I've realised.... Everyday that passes by every sunrise to sunset .... I die a lil ... It doesn't make sense ... I struggle n conflict myself .... Hahahah especially my personality .... Am sacred of having multiple personalities .... Sometimes I feel like I should be that dominant fuck boi who should take what's his n treat pricks like pricks ... Be mean to people ... Who don't deserve my awesome niceness (hahah my ego ) but seriously I do ... N sometimes I feel like everyone should be treated as best as me ... N I want the best as me .... N they r like people just like me trying to make their way in this ? World ??? This place We've been put for an unsure. Reason .. With a questionable purpose ... We all feel like we r destined for greatness... I feel like am this special person place here in this situation for some kind of higher purpose .. I feel sometimes that am not one of them ... Am different ... At the same time I feel as a speck not different from those other specs... Just filled with diluted ambition ... Am nothing just flesh ... Moving ... Just like other flesh .... There r those moments where I believe ... For a moment that anything is possible .. Jump off that roof ...
You'll fucking fly ... God I wanna fly so bad .... Just jump n pooosh ... Even on the ground just close my eyes n just let go ... I can if just believe n then I tell my self bullshit ... Then I tell myself ..... Naahhh maybe if don't think about it ull do it ... I feel special n that for me to unlock my hidden whatever I have to just relax n let go of all hope n hope accidentally I unlock it .... But I know it won't happen cause am still hopin ... God forgive for this next bit but I ... Feel like a special being here on purpose n I've got no past memories of how n feel it's on purpose and am willingly here to see test n find Something ....I don't know what but I feel at the same time ...a chance ...a coincidence here ... Result of random fate .... Am not writing this cause am sad or happy or anything ... Right now am in my special place ... Haha hush only I know n damn ... It bites .. Am not writing this for anyone but me ... I just feel like keeping this piece of mind ... Oz I know inside you ... There is something beautifulyhorrific ... Only i got the power to decide the turn of yo saga ... Screw spelling ... Shits messy like my mind ... This beautiful messed up .. Whatever ... Am turning 18 in 2 n some days. Week ... N realising I've been here on this Rock for 18 freaking years ... Hahaha I was hella curios as a kid .... Maybe too curiouse ... But I've realised something .... I've always gotten what I've wanted idindt care how or who but I've got what I've always wanted ... I've needed them up yes .. But they have dissappinted me as well ... I hope I can read this In the future to know how much of a dork I used to be ...I feel like this world is a reflection of myself ... To change it ... I gotta start with me ... If u want that change ... But my ass too lazy for it .... Hahahah I hope this ain't a diary or some journal bs ... Not some emotional crap I forced myself to write for myself or (I hate being told what to do and threatened ...ill kill someone who threatens me I dint know but when someone warns me of what they'll do to me if I mess up .. Which I know if they mean it or not ... I'll kill u .. I don't know what I'd do ... Haha honestly I dont know what am capable of .... That's y I try as hard to be emotionless ... Which I am n not ... It's hard for me to feel anything for anyone .... Sometimes even for me ... I force myself to feel ... Cause am scared am not human sometimes ... Haha it sounds like crap but that's how I feel .... It's hard for me to feel things ... I only feel time ... The ticking in my head ... I do nothing about even if I try but ... It's my heart or apart of me that feels I guess ... When I have something for a long time be it an item or a person I don't look at the feelings but the time spent ... If I spent time with something I get attached the longer I am with it in my life the harder it is to let go ..... I can control my likes n dislikes n at the same time get lost in that idea I lose co trol n it's an endless cycle ... But the one thing I've always wanted is something constant in my life that I like n will Neva change be it random shit or whatever ... Everything dissappinted me always .... Eh I guess I know not know myself ...basic inner conflict that I am hella scared of going crazy ... Right know I want so much ... Yet expect so little .... I don't know if I'm messed up or normal or am messed up n everything else is normal it everything. Else is messed up n am normal ... I think .. Try not to think much n wo oh is it just exhausting ... I wanna let things chill n be laid back at the same time have Firm assertive co trol .... Agh my fingers r tired I don't how long I've been typing ... I should have used a voice not or sonething how do these Diary writing dueats. Do this ... Am so sleepy ... But first let me take a selfie ... Haha the fuck am I writing. Guess am just too lazy to backspace ... Haha one thing for sure my memories r fading away fast ... Am starting to forget sonething like yesterday ... Eh but I pray it's normal .... God I want a sand which something moist n tasty n. Has layers ... I feel like if I met my other timelined me I would betray myself ... Am guessing that's how everyone is ... I swear everyone is selfish ... Everything we do somehow we must gain from it even if it's little .. Doing so robe a favour obviously u know they'll. Have to repay it ... Giving something n expecting nothing back obviously u want that good deed just to go to heaven or have tgat warm feelin in you chest .. Cause U love n want tgat feeling n that's yours .. I guess ... Y can't we just walk down the street pull out sonexash n just drop it ... However picks it up is lucky ... Or randomly talk to someone ... Any living piece of flesh that can communicate back ... Outta know where .... Haha I've always wandered what colour would smell like ... Thinking about it makes me wanna taste it .... Is our body ours ... If our body parts had their own lives n could talk n stuff n they decided to live their own ... What would u be left as ... Is it even yours .... If u could fight u ... Y would u even fight U .... Y can't we all just like chill ... Would h even get along with u .. I don't know .. Maybe maybe not .alright am just making this weird .... Weird isn't bad I guess what does weird count for .... To what extent is weird .. Weird .... I mean to a lion or dove animal we see them all the same kwe can't defferinciate them but they can n the same to them as us .... If sonething is ugly to us doesn't that something feel that we are ugly to them ... I meN the definition of beauty or ugly isn't it standardised by us n to whichever similar .... I've always wandered like how our body we think it's perfect like the two eyes n hands .... Like our physical state. N if a part isn't like the other others we've observed on others we pick on that error .. Or we assume it's error n I've wondered what if ... Our portion of physical state wasn't at that specific position .... If we had our penis on our head in that world would I wonder what it would be like to have one between my legs or boobs on my back n go like dude imagine if we had boobs on our chest Hahha weird right ( can't say it without sounding like a complete douche ) we try to be apart of something greater than us but whatever we try appeasing or not giving a fuck isn't that "something greater " still going to flaw us ... We try to be the best as we can but we can't move forward without pushing against something ... Could stepping on someone ... Might be actually physically running or trying to get something ... I feel like there is a balance to everything ... We need something to have something n that crap about global warming .. But we can't shit without eating .... We can't inhale without exhaling we can't basically give without taking ... There is always gonna be something removed from the equation to be added to it ... I feel like everything we did is proof ... Proof that we r here... We were here ... We will be here ... Everything we do is beautifully ugly ... Flawless flaw ......I still don't know y we keep pushing . But we do ... We r ... We r .. R we ..... Damn this food is good Alhamdullilah .. Hahahah my succees n failures n wasted time is ... Me ... Me right here ... Everything done to me for me against me not to me ... Me ... Am still here ..am me ... The other me before will n is aren't exactly me ... What am I ... This is I u should Neva think too much then again ... @...haha right now this is me or was me... Are dumb people more happier than smart ones.... I mean they think less ... Whilst smart asses are usually the ones who go mad n fucking go insane ... They see the flaws most don't ... Haha dong the go all villain well that's what j get from movies ... But to be honest r retarted people. Smarter than normal or smarter people ... I feel like they r on their own level of genius then again me saying they r smarter than. Average or above average ... Aren't I putting them in a system that limits it to my own level of arrangel understanding ... Basically. Categorising them ...I feel like babies have this "thing" call it knowledge , a special ability whatever .... That's they see reality in a differ t perspective n maybe they can't tell us nor can we not access it because of the lack of understanding ... God thank u for food ... It tastes good n my mouth feels so selfish right now n it just wants more an am spooling it Hahha.... But eh I'll enjoy it ....j feel like writing the number 8... There ... Smiley face ..I've wondered how do we move out arms ... Think about it ... Y can't I say out loud move hand ... Or think hard to move it ... What force of control ? I know the whole stimuli ... Neuron blah but y can't I just think it to move or feel it to move or tell it to move .... Hahaha there I go thinking again too much .... My funny bone been acting up n I didn't even do anything to it .... I gotta finish this food good ... Something later
There is this one memory ... So simple n just unexplainable ... I got an orange right n it smelt so organic ... I didn't want to cut it not ruin it's everything ... It was appealing ... Smelt so naturally I jus wanted it to be peeled naturally with hands ... N I wanted to share it with someone's company I enjoyed ... She loved the idea ... For me it was was I felt like doing ... I just wanted to share the orange with someone who can mating just the right atmosphere ... It wasn't cause she was my best friend .. It wasn't because I was bored ... I got an orange n wanted to eat it with a specific someone ... That's eat .. Nothing more ... Under the beautiful sun just eat it not much just that orange with someone ... Peacefully ... The simplicity at that time was well simple ... It was a great moment ... It wasn't life changin ... It didn't increase nor decrease value in my life ..... I just wanted to eat to damn orange with I someone who would be perfect for that moment .... --/--/:;--- it was a simple moment ... That gives me a simple smile once in a while .....
Hahah I've realised we r ungrateful pricks .... We complain so much about the little things ... Not appreciating the big things ... Hahahah while we worry about that pimple or how distinct or grotesque we r ... We are really being unappreciative as swipes .. While I cut myself or worry about a petticoat part of me ... N not appreciating how whole we r whilst someone out there prays to God to know what it feels like to have a leg or parents or the simplest from of care we out here cutting our selves ... Lying to our selves. Forming some bs excuse like he she broke up with me or no one understands me or .... Some feeling of self empathy ..... Or some shit like that .... Does do anything like honestly does it ... I mean would it make a difference if I physically hurt myself ... Y can't we just like look at whatever. N just go play basket ball ... Damn I haven't played basket ball in aw while ... I should start .... Hahahah but I keep procrastinating ... But seriously y can't we all just chill .... Damn no chill these days .... My old man told me .... Back when I was a boy ... Those were simple days ... Not much but work m try to have a family n something ... It was simple ... Hahha now he says it's complicated n all messed up I can't blame him .... I sometimes do wonder if life would have been simple back in the past .... Hahha back when. No one gave a shit about anything but just inside they felt free tho not in reality I mean Hahahah how can the live without net or sandwiches ... Am not sure if they were there ... Hahahah back when no one wearer knickers .... Shit could be claimed easily but it sounds savage ... Hahahah then am like Neva mind ... I swear am not writing lol ... I don't like using th0se 3 letters ... Like I would type hahaha but lol hahahahha who comes up with this shit ...... Hahahahha people r something ..... I feel like am smart n dumb at the same time
The greatest quota I've heard lately from somewhere is dot dot dot wen u know u r great there is no room to hate for dot
Hahahah it's nice ... I like the great part
I know am an emotional person feeling emotionless trying to be emotional
I tend to avoid to be too happy ... Hahha I usually do some dumb shit ....
I wanna paint on water ... I bet it would look brilliant .... Hahah whenever someone hums I just wanna join them humming ... However random .....
I was like Doing math ..... Then this question about sandwiches came up ... Those bastards talking about cheese ham patties n shit .... N am here starving af ...
I wanna cut my hair n let it grow out as well ... Ugh the struggle ...
So I just came from the mosque .... And did my Friday prayers ... I came across the less fortunate outside the mosque and they looked trouble some way helpless ... I want to show emphathy n not sympathy ... I usually critic on that ... Ironic how I prefer people being emphatic ... Trying to atleast help em ... I knew I had some money in my pocket n I knew they needed it more than me ... N I honestly wanted to give em so bad ... Just there sitting in my pocket .... I'll probably waste it on something stupid .... Yet y can't I just let it go ... Y ... It should just be. easy right ? Right ? Then y ... Y can't I just let go of that damn piece of paper ..... It takes a lot of heart to give ... Am such a hypocrite ... I preach about selfless love yet that piece of paper .... It has so much power over me ... I guess that's how people feel ... They're given so much profit n they preach about charity but they find themselves spending .... U feel like yes they need it more than me ... But i want just that one pair of smexy jeans ... I promise I'll give it the next time .... And on it goes .... I've realised I've stopped using emojis ... It's too much work .... Finding a perfect emoji .... It's long the process man ... Hahaha this is weird I've ran out of things to write .. Hahahah for once am thought less .... Bored .. Bored . Bored ..
So basically Some old friends just popped up infront of my house damn did I miss those mofos .... Hahahah we laughed .... We caught up..... It didn't enter my head at first ... Couldn't believe the niggas infront of me .... Haha I was too lit .... I needed that .... It feels good being missed n appreciated I guess ..... No Gusses .... Haha it's hard finding good people but if I can be comfortable with u then u my G .... Let's just chill n talk about crap n live off the silence ... That's it ... The rest ... It's rest ....
Period.
Haha period ... Ewwww but haha .... It feels good laughing At my own lame jokes
I hate people who feed off others misery like these aunties .. Them n their gossip ... It's pissing off .... Someone is crying n they r giggling over there ... Waiting to tell their gossip ... If I didn't respect women so much I would smack the extensions of that bitch ... That's y I hate helpers ... I respect the work they do for us like cleaning my clothes .. Dishes .... Preparing food ... So I can't be a jerk ... But not everything is a gossip ... I hate it n hate the people who preach it n continue gossiping there the worst .... They be like don't say that behind her back .... N next thing u know .... Splat ...
The moment the nigga leaves the room ... Blah blah ... Blah-blah ( rich homie q)
My ears r ringing .... My legs shaking .. I've lost my appetite ..n focus is off trying to study this booklet ... Man exam is so close I gotta pull myself together ... It's scary ... It's gonna basically decide my life ... But if I ace it .... Good things r to come ... Inside I know it's to come ... But I won't spoil it for myself ....
WELL SEE.....😉
Hahaha now this guy is drawing on my eye ... Am so drowsy .... Lullabies should be teachers dictating u . ... Am telling u .... You'll sleep like a baby ... That's what they say but not sure how babies sleep tho ...
Babies are the luckiest ... They don't do shit .. But shit all day eat ... N cry ...
I wanna cry ... N wish someone gave me milk ... I haven't had milk in a while . ..... Hahah for real ... I'm not sure how it tastes anymore ....
