The Journal

Day 1.

So I don't really know what to write in here. Johnna A.K.A My shrink of three months, told me it would be good to keep a journal as "it will help the healing process and can open my mind to my own feelings" bla bla bla if you ask me it's a waste of my time but here it goes.

Hi I'm ash, I'm 17 and I go to Wayridge High in the sunny state of Alabama I have great friends a loving Mother and I'm captain of the basketball team. before you start picturing me as the cliche dumb jock  I have a 3.6 GPA so fuck you.

I guess I'm suffering from Depression and PTSD, if you don't know what this is its Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and before you ask, no its not from some heroic act and I don't really want to get into detail about it.

I mean I don't even know you?

You could be some kind of stalker or Serial killer!
For all I know you could be the next James Patrick march - if you don't understand that reference I suggest you never come to talk to me about shows.-

But anyway back to me, I like to go out with friends most days after practice, most of my friends are on the team with me and we usually go to this pizza place down by the arcade it's pretty cool there,
we've gone there so often jerry the old man that owns the place had a booth for us 8pm sharp.

He's such a nice old guy and always keeps smiling. What next?

My mom? Susie.
She's a CEO of an interior decorating firm for the high class and very wealthy celebrities, she's built it up from nothing all by herself, she even helped the royal couple re do their cabin - she brings it up every chance she gets- she's worked really hard to get where she is and I couldn't be more proud of her.

She's a great mum she honestly is but sometimes she can smother me a bit.... Okay a lot but it only became a problem when dad left us for his secretary (the cliche) and he Left us in debt and I mean house reposed, everything lost kinda debt the fucking selfish prick.

But we don't talk about him he's in the past and we have to focus on what lies ahead as mom puts it, even though she's my mom she's only 42 blazing red hair and as the boys put it "the most sexy woman alive" they like to say shit like that to get in my head but I know they wouldn't even dream about saying that to her face that woman may be small but she's terrifying.

I don't think I've ever seen her sad, she's always laughing and smiling and makes our home a hub for everything social. Everyone's welcome, anytime of the day.
Parties at our place or just having people over for dinner or to hang out she is honestly the best mom I could have ever asked for.

Hmm oh yeah my friends, Rick Jacobs is and I quote "a 6ft lean clean beef machine with green eyes that makes the girls go wild" his words not mine, in all honesty Rick is a bit of a dick but his heart is in the right place.

I mean he's very quick witted and doesn't really care what others think of him so he comes off like an asshole. He's slept with nearly all of the cheerleaders.... Single or not.
To be fair to the guy his physique is crazy the lad spends half his life in the gym that his daddy bought him.

No I'm not kidding his dad is loaded and bought a chain of gyms that me and the team use for free so I guess that's a perk. He's the typical "Bad boy" who cuts class and does whatever he wants, but with money comes great stupidity ha.

I can't really slate him for Skippy class that's what all our group does but I will say even though he's an ass he does have some redeeming qualities, he'd always stand up for anyone whether you're friends with him or not he'd have your back, you can almost say he's a big softy at heart.

Alex and Ryan Phillips are my two oldest friends, we've known each other since we were in kindergarten. Alex and Ryan are twins, but when we were kids we used to tell people we were triplets as we all had the same muddy brown hair and "cute" freckles as ma would put it.
But as we grew up it was harder to tell people we were related, my hair turned black and never lost my freckles but the boys lost theirs and they're more blond than brown.

Even though Ryan is a full two minutes older than Al he's much more of a soft boy, you know the ones that play guitar at parties in the corner and are great listeners... Ya those ones.

Don't get me wrong, he's still one of my best friends and I'd stop him way before he even thought about bringing his guitar out of the house.
He's honestly the funniest one out of our group, he's just a soft soul you know someone you could really tell anything to and know it will be keep quiet- his word is his word and I love about him.

Al on the other hand, is more of a ladies' man he's that boy who is girl crazy, gaw line for days and he knows he's hot shit so he uses that to his advantage! He's always trying to get me to go on double dates with his "thing of the week" and her friends is unbelievable!
To be honest with you I'm surprised that between him and rick there is a single girl left that hasn't been under their spell.

Most people either love him or prefer Ryan but I can't blame them really... They're polar opposites, Al is loud and in your face, obnoxious and most times a jerk. But ry he's the sweet one, always kind but no matter what my three boys are my boys.

I will always have their backs and they have mine- brothers.

I've talked a lot of shit about them but deep down they are all great guys, and genuinely appreciate life and everything that comes with it. They aren't always bad and aren't ever rude or mean just because they can be.

I'm like the father of the group I make sure of that, we've been through so much together and they all pick me up when I need it and recently it's been alot...

I'm not sleeping well, I keep having fucking nightmares it's like I'm a kid again I've always got one of the boys over now. For the past week we've all been sleeping in the den and it does help weird I know, but I feel calm when I've got them there. They're the only ones that know what I'm going through .... How much this has killed me and how hard I've tried to not let it kill me.