Stand Up And Scream (Jack Barakat)

Stand Up And Scream (All Time Low)

I was alone again. It hurt to think that I wouldn't have anybody for as long as I was like I am. And that would be forever. I couldn't change. It hurt to be normal, but it hurt to be different. There was no way out for me now. I was stuck in the moment which would never end, and the pain I was in almost killed me. At the same time, I wanted to punish myself for loosing Josh. My arms were clean, no scars, no bruises, no imperfections whatsoever. Somehow, I wished I did have scars, to show what I'd been through. But not to show people I wasn't strong enough to deal with a break-up.

I stumbled across the busy road, avoiding eye contact with the popular girls as I made my way home from a long day of school. It seemed like a longer walk than ever, even though I only lived 15 minutes away. All I wanted, was to get home, and spend time with my brother and his 4 friends, Jack, Rian and Zack. They never failed to cheer me up, even at the worst of times, and today was to be no different. They all saw me as one of them, seeing as I acted more like a guy than a girl around them.

I toss my bag aside as I step in the door, tip-toeing as quietly I could up the stairs, trying to contain my tears and making sure that Alex didn't walk out of his room and spot me. I shut the door quietly and strip off my clothes, and changing into a pair of black skinny jeans and a Blink 182 shirt. I look around my room at the mess. Okay, I'll admit, with my exams, I haven't had much chance to clean up, but this was over the top. I had to sort it out before anybody saw that I really was a hopeless teenager with depression and the unwillingness to tidy her room.

It took me half an hour before my room was at a standard I could deal with. My clothes were put away, my bed made, and my guitars lined up on the wall nearest my door, and after placing my purple Squire next to my bed, I heard Alex's footsteps making his way into my room.

"Hey, Lace, I didn't hear you come in... Something up?" I sat on my bed and brush my long black hair from my face. Alex and I were not blood related. I was adopted by the Gaskarth's at an early age, and Alex knew what it was like for me. We grew up together, and although we looked nothing alike, he accepted me as his own sister.

"No, everything's fine, just had to tidy up... " I said. I was pathetic at lying. I made myself feel like such an idiot because Alex always knew when there was something wrong.

"Is it him again?" He asked. He's like a mind reader I thought.

"Yeah... We broke up... Found him kissing Hannah..." I said quietly. Tears filled my eyes and I quickly blinked them away.

"Let me get my shotgun, then he won't hurt you again." He beamed at me, making me laugh. "Right, I'll let the guys know that we're staying in tonight, I'll order pizza and get Jack to bring the chocolate. I've got a surprise for you later too." He smiled and left the room. Alex had hated Josh for every day of the year we had been together. I wondered if he'd known that something like this would happen, and if he was only trying to keep me safe. I didn't know.

I sat on my bed, endlessly glaring at my reflection in the mirror; Spotting every imperfection I could: my skin was too pale; my face was ugly, my hair wasn't pretty enough, my eyes were grey, not blue, my hands were too small... There were endless negatives about me, and it was unsurprising. I reached into the pocket of my bag, grabbing a pencil sharpener which had never been used. I quickly unscrewed the blade; throwing the plastic casing across the room toward the bin.

I stared at the blade for a few minutes before holding against the soft skin near the bending of my elbow. The tears filled my eyes again, and I dug the sharp metal into my pure skin, leaving a bleeding red mark on my arm. Admittedly, it wasn't very deep, so I tried again, this time, pressing on harder. The blade sank into my skin deeper, causing more blood to gush out of the fresh wounds on my wrist. That day, I started to tally my cuts, crossing one over four others to make a fence like shape. Some we're deeper than others, but that didn't matter to me. The were there, and that was it.

I cleaned the wounds and put a bandage over them. I'd simply tell the guys that I slipped and fell in Gym earlier today. I was clumsy enough for them to believe that, but just in case I'd have to cover it. I decided it wasn't cold enough to be able to pull off wearing my Green Day hoodie- which was originally Jack's and which I'd stolen on a long car journey to see them a year ago. Finally pulling myself together, I headed for the door.

This is going to be fun... I thought to myself. Another night drinking and regretting shit.