Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

What you need

She was the first and last person I had ever loved. Our love made me go mad. Somehow I still wonder about where she is and how she's doing. I wonder if she's just as broken as I am. The only thing that has pretty much kept me going is the fact that my music has been able to get me to where I am now. Her name Isabella or bella like I used to call her. We grew up together and she was my best friend for a long time until I turned 16 and actually got the courage to ask her out. She was my first of everything and everyone even my foster parents at that point thought that me and her would never be apart.
She made me go mad. I was insatiable. I needed her and loved her so much. she was the reason I started writing music in the first place. But then I obviously fucked up...

We had currently finished most of our set when the time came for me to get a girl up on the stage and 'serenade' her with one of my personally written songs. Some thought it was cliche and a marketing strategy but frankly I just loved to make that one girl feel special for the night, no matter what race, colour or shape she was.

One of my fans was currently seated on the chair that was placed in the middle of the stage when my band played the first few chords of one of my latest songs 'What you need'. She was red faced and ecstatic that I had chosen her. I walked around the stage slowly looking at her cheekily and then back at the crowd which earned me more screams then before.

'I just want to take you there'
The screams increased tenfold
He don't got to know where
Does he touch you here like this?
Let me take the friction from your lips
I moved towards the girl on the chair singing close to her ear letting my lips briefly graze her lobe. I moved away to belt out the next lyrics to her.
And I'mma love you girl, the way you need
Ain't no one gon' stop us, ain't no one gon' stop us
And I'mma give you girl, what you feel
I'm the drug in your veins, just fight through the pain
I caught the 5h girls in my peripheral as they hung around the side of the stage vibing to the beat since they had pretty much finished their set. I stared at Lauren a little longer offering her a suave smile when she winked at me until it came to the chorus.
He's what you want, he's what you want
He's what you want, he's what you want
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need

He's what you want, he's what you want
He's what you want, he's what you want
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need
The chick got even more flustered as I moved close to her offering her my hand to stand so I could hold her close to me. The crowd went wild with some girls crying at the front row probably wishing they were the ones next to me.
'I got everything you want from me
I do everything he does times three
And he don't gotta know
I got you on the floor, doing things you never thought you'd do'
I directed this at Lauren immediately earning a blush as this lyric caught her off guard. Good thing the girls were to busy feeling the music.
Baby leave them high heel shoes
'Cause I love it when you're looking down at me, I'm looking up at you
And I don't give a damn shorty watch me knock your boots off

And I'mma love you girl, the way you need
Ain't no one gon' stop us, ain't no one gon' stop us
And I'mma give you girl, what you feel
I'm the drug in your veins, just fight through the pain

He's what you want, he's what you want
He's what you want, he's what you want
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need

He's what you want, he's what you want
He's what you want, he's what you want
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need
I'm what you need, what you need, what you need...
I kissed the girls hand and guiding towards the guard that would lead her back to the rest of the crowd. I gave o e last side glance at Lauren as the girls were leaving the side of the stage. The rest of the show went smoothly.

I was currently standing outside my tour bus havin a smoke when i was joined by my brother who had a joint hanging from his lips searching for a lighter in his pocket until I offered my own as he did have a habit of leaving it around and neemver finding it.
" So tonight's show was pretty electrifying huh?" He asked as he took the first drag of his joint.
"Yeah the energy tonight was pretty good" he studied my face a bit the gears turning in his head.
" there's something I need to ask you y/n and it would be good for you to be honest ok?" I only nodded to him as a response as I prepared for his question with a quick drag of my cig. Since he usually had a chill demeanour I felt a little uneasy at him asking a question with a serious tone.
" Is there something going on between you and Lauren?" Damn now I really wished that he hadn't asked me to be honest.
"It's nothing serious" I answered nonchalantly.
"Just don't get in too deep" was his only response to my admission before he snuffed out his joint and retreated back to the bus. I guess I'm lucky that he's a tad high because I was expecting a much more surprised response to be honest it made me feel a little uneasy. I don't know what he means by 'don't get in too deep' like I don't even have feelings for Lauren, yeah she's beautiful but she's strictly just my friend and plus we agreed that things should end if either of us started to gain feelings which pretty much makes it obvious that none of us do since she hasn't asked for things to end. I don't need that bullshit right now. I'm still trying to drown my sorrow and anger in drugs, smoking and other things. If I were to be with someone at this moment of be way too unstable. It's comfortable to still have intimacy without emotion for me. She's the reason why I feel like this. Lauren has total freedom from my perspective.
I didn't realise that I was staring at Belles number on my phone. My hands shake and my cigs long gone finished but still burning on my fingers the ashes in a minute pile on the toe of my shoe. Anger rises up inside of me at a single memory.
Flashback
Pls bell don't do this
You're making me go mad
Your making me mad right now bell just don't do this.
We're getting to toxic don't you know that. I can't handle your possessiveness anymore it's making me feel suffocated" her admission knocked the air out of me and I grew desperate, my heart thumping violently against my chest.
I can't lose you Bell. I can't sleep or breathe without every close of my eyes or inhale and exhale of air reminding me of you. I'm scared because I love you so much and I can slowly feel myself losing you.
She stays she stay silent at my confession. I squeeze my hand shut into  as tightly as I can, knuckles probably turned white from the force. A stray tear falls down my cheek, awaiting any sound she makes at this moment. She keeps on hurting me but I know me that I don't want to lose her. The thought that I have lost her already to someone creates a violent thump of my heart against my chest.
" look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore and Ill leave and you'll never have to hear from me again I promise" it hurt like hell to ask this of her or promise her this but I had to know. Her head turned slowly and looked at me with an emptiness that left me knowing the answer already. " I can't y/n" and in that moment I broke...

This single memory was one of the most painful ones. It always happened on nights that ended well, almost as a reminder that complete peace and happiness was not possible for me. The anger burned through my being and the phone was ever more tightly clutched in my palm that has now turned pale at the tight grip I had on it. I Through it at the side of the bus until the screen shattered onto the floor and bits of stray metal lay in its remains. I remembered the advice my brother had given to me that sometimes it's best to burn on the inside to prevent incinerating those around me. My grip loosened and I only let a few stray tears fall to lessen the rage I felt not caring that some people would think it wasn't manly but fuck I was only human. As i squeezed my eyes shut and used a hand to wipe them to stop the flow of sorrow ,I felt a small hand wrap around my wrist. Looking up I was met with the warm brown eyes of Camila who must've been on her way to hang out with my brother when she found me like this. I immediately apolgise to her as she caught me like this. "It's ok...it's ok" her soothing voice stopped my mumbles of apology and as soon as i stopped I was engulfed in a tight hug. I don't know how to describe it but it almost felt like the hug of my sister back home,warm and reassuring. Not another word was said until we broke apart. She looked at me with worrisome eyes. I could hear her asking me questions as to why I was like this out here but I couldn't really make out the words she said. My memories had made me remember the numbness I tried to mask. "He's in there waiting for you to hang. Don't worry about me I'm fine" without waiting for an answer I walked away from the bus desperately fishing out a pill in one of my pockets desperate to just lose myself tonight...