Life Is Strange, But All The Same

The Suade and Serenade of Loneliness

                                                                                January 3, 2016

There are so many good and bad things that come from this emotion, but it's a lot more equal than you would think. But it's up to the person to which they choose. 

To me the good things come when I am alone,  I don't have to worry about anyone. I can do anything. I feel the most liberated while no one is watching or looking. The most silly and fun times I've had were when I WAS alone. It's not that I love being alone either, I'm very outgoing, bubbly, and silly. 

Even though I'm surrounded by people, that's when I'm the loneliest. Nobody sees what I'm feeling, and that makes me feel so much worse. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I've literally got up in the middle of a class to run and have a panic attack. When I came back, nobody noticed I was gone. 

I'm drowning in the loneliness and doubts. I know I have so many people who love and care about me, but I can never let them close enough to break down that wall. No one has really tried. It pains me, just to think by myself. I always ask how come nobody ever tries to ask or see how I'M doing, yet I'M the one who never gets out of my head to look for help. 

I've been in this dance hall more than once. Sometimes I'm the lead partner in the waltz, or I'm being lead. I'm the only one who can talk to themself about this feeling and get through it. I've won this battle on my own terms without medicine or support groups. It's the only way that can successfully move on. And when I do, that suffocating feeling is gone way longer for to time that it stays. 

If you know this feeling like the old friend it is, get help. My story is different from yours.  I don't want what my experience seems easy. It's not. I wouldn't sit here typing this out if I had succeeded in the winter of December 2014.  Get whatever damn help you need, because it may not workout the same as it did for me.